Problems trying to help a young adult. I'm about to lose it!

[Chris142]

I need to blow off some steam! You are my captured audience.

We took in an 18 yr old girl. She is my little cousins best friend. She was raised in the Foster system by terrible foster families.

She has zero life skills. None of the families taught her anything..Can't even ride a bike.

I tried to take her driving out in the desert and that didn't work. We have to start at a go cart track so hopefully she can better understand steering.

Anyway.When she turned 18 the foster system gave her the boot. She was living in a tent in the field behind the empty K-Mart.

So we decided to get her and to try to help her to be a productive member of society. We got her and her emotional support cat. The cat stems from bad things that happened to her in the foster system.

I dig the cat anyway.Sweet cat

The plan was for her to start school at the local collage and to help with chores in exchange for paying rent.

She started school and did pretty well. Got a 3.5 GPA.


Now she turned up pregnant! To make things worse the daddy does not drive,has never been behind the wheel and has no job.

He lives in a metal shed in his moms back yard.

She is having issues with the pregnancy and is on bed rest now.

I feel betrayed and used by her. I like her. She is very pretty and funny but then all this went down.

My wife is exited.... I'm not as I don't see how she will continue her education now.

Thx for listening

 

[oldcodger]

You have good intentions hang in there. We will pray for you.

 

[TheOilWizard]

I have no advice to give here, but this would be an issue to consult with someone you respect and trust personally - pastor, mentor, etc. I wish you and the family the best.

 

[TheLastWord]

"My wife is exited."

Do you mean exited or excited?

Big difference in meaning, I think excited.

How long pregnant?

That dude may be a father but not a daddy!

 

[spackard]

She got pregnant faster than the cat.

 

[TheOilWizard]

"My wife is exited."

Do you mean exited or excited?

Big difference in meaning, I think excited.

How long pregnant?

I read it as "excited" but yeah, major difference.

 

[SC Maintenance]

Your doing a great thing. She has been used an abused here whole life, so its probably normal for her to return the same.

Remember your helping her for your own mental well being. If your expecting a thank you - you likely won't get one. Not anytime soon anyway.

I wish you all the best, whichever way it ends up.

 

[Chris142]

"My wife is exited."

Do you mean exited or excited?

Big difference in meaning, I think excited.

How long pregnant?

My wife wants a baby in our house..I don't Shes only 6 weeks or so.

 

[Triple_Se7en]

You took-in a cousin's best friend that no longer is eligible for government assistance and carries no skills of life.
I would not have offered her your home. I would have offered her temporary financial assistance like food, clothes and necessary things for feminine hygiene.

Believe it or not, that's being abundantly generous of you.

 

[Oillover]

Remember your helping her for your own mental well being. If your expecting a thank you - you likely won't get one. Not anytime soon anyway.

There's very little chance OP will ever get a "thank you", but that's the beauty of parenting.

As to the OP, good luck.
I never fathered any children (that I'm aware of) and that's ok with me.
I've realized not everyone could handle a life without children.
I'd like to think that makes me stronger/wiser in some way, but that could just be one of my distorted views of the world.

 

[TheLastWord]

Mu wife wants a baby in our house..I don't Shes only 6 weeks or so.

Since you have exposed your soul to this forum, I ask you?

Do you have any children or grandchildren?

 

[Nesterenko]

I need to blow off some steam! You are my captured audience.

We took in an 18 yr old girl. She is my little cousins best friend. She was raised in the Foster system by terrible foster families.

She has zero life skills. None of the families taught her anything..Can't even ride a bike.

I tried to take her driving out in the desert and that didn't work. We have to start at a go cart track so hopefully she can better understand steering.

Anyway.When she turned 18 the foster system gave her the boot. She was living in a tent in the field behind the empty K-Mart.

So we decided to get her and to try to help her to be a productive member of society. We got her and her emotional support cat. The cat stems from bad things that happened to her in the foster system.

I dig the cat anyway.Sweet cat

The plan was for her to start school at the local collage and to help with chores in exchange for paying rent.

She started school and did pretty well. Got a 3.5 GPA.


Now she turned up pregnant! To make things worse the daddy does not drive,has never been behind the wheel and has no job.

He lives in a metal shed in his moms back yard.

She is having issues with the pregnancy and is on bed rest now.

I feel betrayed and used by her. I like her. She is very pretty and funny but then all this went down.

My wife is exited.... I'm not as I don't see how she will continue her education now.

Thx for listening

Like you said zero life skills. You might feel ticked off and betrayed but considering her history you shouldn't be surprised. I definitely don't think you should take it personally. I'm sure she is quite fond of you but her sense of loyalty to anyone has been severely affected by her past. After all it seems that with all the families that have abandoned her or pushed her aside one could hardly be surprised. Take it easy on her and show her even more patience than you already have. She's probably very fragile emotionally, easy does it. Easier said than done of course but with some support from a pastor or social worker and your family there's a good chance for a satisfying outcome. Try and stay the course.

 

[TheOilWizard]

There's very little chance OP will ever get a "thank you", but that's the beauty of parenting.

There's no parenting involved here. OP is supporting an adult that will either make good decisions or poor ones, and at this point it's not looking good. The OP will have to make hard decisions in the future or accept being taken advantage of.

 

[JustN89]

I don't really have advice on handle this kind of situation and what to do to help her from here. I have never been anywhere near where you are. All things considered, what you did, in opening your home and attempting to help steer her into good decisions that will make long term positive impacts on her life, you've done more for her than quite possibly anyone else has in her 18 years. To that, all I can say is that we need more people like you on this Earth.

My advice is solely for you. It's noble to do everything you can to help the people around you. I wish more people approached life that way. Whatever happens and whatever her next steps may be, you've already done far more than was required. Some people want to and can be helped. Some people don't want to and won't be helped. Finally, some may want to but can't be helped. Wherever she falls into this, please make sure that you, and your wife, set hard boundaries for how far you will go to help this young lady. I don't know what those boundaries are for you, but figure it out and set them in stone. You may be doing whatever possible to help her out, but your primary concern should be the mental and emotional health of you and yours.

Best of luck and God speed.

 

[Chris142]

Since you have exposed your soul to this forum, I ask you?

Do you have any children or grandchildren?

No I do not. Never wanted any.

 

[greenjp]

Shes only 6 weeks or so.

The solution here is obvious...

To that, all I can say is that we need more people like you on this Earth.

 

[Chris142]

The solution here is obvious...

we dont believe in that. But thats treading where we dont need to go on this forum so thats all for that.

 

[Elkins45]

It’s not very similar but maybe a little: I was a middle school teacher for a dozen years. My experience has been that you won’t know how much of a positive impact you might have made until years later.

 

[cb_13]

I've realized not everyone could handle a life without children.
I'd like to think that makes me stronger/wiser in some way, but that could just be one of my distorted views of the world.

I mean, no children would certainly make life more convenient. If that’s what you’re going for then it’s wiser.

I don’t know your past some children were unfairly forced to be the adults in their household and maybe that was you at one point but I don’t feel like anyone is stronger than the parent(s) who put the burdens of an entire family on their shoulders go to work and live life while solving those problems and not burying them in vices(drugs, drinking, porn, promiscuity).

 

[SC Maintenance]

There's no parenting involved here. OP is supporting an adult that will either make good decisions or poor ones, and at this point it's not looking good. The OP will have to make hard decisions in the future or accept being taken advantage of.

Parenting doesn't stop at 18, best I can tell.

Whatever level of support the OP wishes to provide is up to him. Whether he is just the bed and breakfast or ready made family - thats up to him.