Better get this ironed out with your GF asap or you are in for a rough marriage.
Parenting concerns
- Thread starter CheezWhiz
- Start date
Somehow your parents got that instilled in you by example etc. Back then society backed this up. Today society is the biggest enemy of parents.
Might be better if you have to be in charge of other people's sons skip the marriage and become a Boy Scout leader.
Yes. This is our do or die moment. I will not marry her until this is fixed.
how does that help? really - I feel weird airing my dirty laundry, but at least it is anonymous and it won't affect relationships among our family circle. seems better to talk to a bunch of strangers than to talk to my parents and then have them come visit with a bias against her kid.
I have the same values. I do remember my mother telling me to never hit a girl because they were more fragile and more easily hurt. When you are a kid you are like a sponge absorbing everything you parents do consciously or sub-consciously.
That's pretty good. Have you already brought this issue up with his dad?
I don't think there's going to be any other way. My exGF had two daughters of her own so when they went to their dad's or watched by her parent's, none of them followed each other's parent regime so overall her kids would just do whatever they want because they knew each parent wouldn't honor each other's methods.
No, I don't feel great dragging him into this mess. I feel it is better for her and us to address here.
One point I would add though is that he did have another step-dad figure in his life for a number of years, and that person did not treat either of them well. I tend to suspect that my fiancee got into a pattern of defending her son at all costs during that relationship, and that pattern has continued since we moved in together. It's like a reflex for her to immediately defend him any time we have a situation, and I think he is getting the message that he is never accountable for his actions as long as his mom is around to defend him.
While this issue is going to affect the relationship you have with his mom, the kid is not going to respond to her like he will from his father, even if you convince her to say something. The real impact will come from his father. I feel like we learn to be men from our Dad.
My kids are grown and off on their own but I don’t remember my early teen son having anything to do with his younger sister or younger brother? Is where you live isolated?
My first thought was, "no, you can't assume that a 13 year old knows anything". It seems like common sense to you and I that a 13 year old would know he has to back off physically when playing sports with a 7 year old girl, but, unfortunately that's not true. I think that the barrage of media depicting deplorable behavior has nullified any expectation of compassion, empathy, or civility with our youth. Certainly there's many kids that exhibit those traits, but it can no longer be expected.
I think you should express your thoughts to your fiancé about how you expect her son to behave with your daughter and tell her you want to have a little talk with him and invite her to join. Tell her exactly what you plan on saying and ask for her input.
I would stick to the one baseball example and explain how she could have been seriously hurt if the ball flew straight at her face if he hit it full force. Then cite the flag football example saying that you understand it's competition, but, he's obviously much bigger and stronger than your daughter and can easily beat her. Suggest that he might take a "big brother" attitude and let her have a few successes so that she feels like continuing to compete/have fun. This one may be a lost cause though, like I said, some kids have no empathy.
Next, I'd sit down with your son one on one and explain to him that your expectation is that his duty is to protect his little sister and it must be his top priority, even if he's mad at her for some reason. You might think he knows this, but, unless you have told him how important this is, he might not realize it. Specifically mention protecting her from the 13 year old if he gets out of hand.
Just my 2 cents. If your fiancé has a problem with your reasonable request then you might have to reconsider that situation.
The way my dad dealt with me when I picked at my younger brother is he would do to me whatever I did to my little brother. He would say “the size differences are the same”. Kind of put the fear in me plus realized that bullying isn’t right. This is totally up to you to resolve dad. You can’t let that little girl be hurt. She looks to you for everything including protection.
13 year olds are not emotionally mature. I would not expect that a 13 year old boy would know by nature that he can't roughhouse with a girl half his age and probably less than half his size. An older brother would know that but an only child wouldn't. The kid probably genuinely doesn't know better, but that's not really a good excuse. I don't think it's anything that can't be straightened out with a little time and guidance.
I’d look to the boys father to see how he treated women. It might be a clue to your problem. Also curious how his mom views the situation.
Girls can hurt girls. Boys can hurt boys. Girls can hurt boys. Boys cannot hurt girls. Them the rules. Maybe it isn’t fair but who said life is fair. He needs to be taught he cannot do that stuff with girls. He can learn this the easy way now or the hard way later. Better off now IMO.
Throughout this discussion, the root of the problem has been mentioned by the OP numerous times. He and his fiancee are not on the same page regarding child rearing in this relationship. We answered his request: we successfully affirmed that 7 year old girls playing overly rough activities with boys twice their age is outside the norm. He said they are seeing a counselor. Kudos for working together as you should. Hopefully you develop a management plan together, which is what (some) married people do.
Best wishes for a good outcome.
I will say I am surprised at the number of people who felt that this was relatively normal behavior. It is beyond my comprehension to think of my 13 year old self treating a 7 year old girl in any way similar to what I described in my original post. I could never have looked my father in the eye again if he saw me, as a teenage boy, be rough with a 7 year old girl. Yet so many of you seem to think this is not at all out of bounds!!!
If he did not grow up with a little sister or ever play with smaller kids than him, that throttle probably does not exist. The best thing you can do is try to coach him on how to play with a small child, if nothing else set the expectations for how he will behave/play with your child.
Boys are really immature and honestly idiots especially middle school aged. They just need direction. Commend you on working on it, soliciting feedback and working on this. You will have to transition to coparenting and move away from mine and yours once you marry and become a united team.
At 13 you learned your behavior from someplace. A strong father figure likely - whether it was your father, grandfather, whatever. Your assuming this 13 year old possesses the same knowledge, or cares to have it.
Like you said yourself, he did this same behavior with your son, and your son put him in his place - cause - affect is a powerful teacher. He hasn't had that lesson with your daughter yet.
Additionally, he is likely acting out in his own way. Counseling is hopefully helpful here.
Blaming the 13 year old will do nothing to solve your problem. Thats why 13 year olds have parents.
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