Parenting concerns

[PandaBear]

There are many people involved here so you need to let everyone knows where the boundary is.

Your fiancé needs to know your daughter must be kept safe and not be touched physically and emotionally, your future son in law would need to know that she should be treated like another younger kid in school at least until they know how to set their own boundaries between them as they grow older.

Your own son needs to know when to step in for his own biological sister if things aren't right. You can't be there all the time but your son will likely play a real older brother role until your future son in law can be trusted (if ever) on that boundary.

Your daughter needs to know what is not acceptable and when to ask for help without feeling shame (although she also should learn not to taunt your future son in law and not to escalate situations, like all young women should learn as they grow up).

Your future son in law needs to know that you mean business as a father of a daughter, and know that even if you are also his future step father and she is a future step sister there should still be a boundary that even biological brother will not cross, and be respected. Do it firmly and with respect.

That's my own opinion. Hopefully one day your step son will know and respect you for being a father of a daughter, like how men respect each other when family is involved.

 

[KrisZ]

On the other side, the 13 year old is most likely acting out because you have invaded his space with his Mom. His mom will likely take his side, which is what Mom's are supposed to do.

I’m not so sure about that. Defeats the whole purpose of having both parents and kids learn very quickly how to manipulate the situation and pit the parents against each other.

If my wife has an issue with how I deal with one of the kids, she will comment in private, but never in front of the kids, I do the same.

The last thing a household needs, is parents questioning each other’s parenting decisions.

I would stay single if the kids need to be divided under who’s authority they fall under.

 

[Dave Hess]

I agree 7 year old daughter should NOT be playing with her 13 year old son.

Maybe play tag football with him and accidentally clothes line him when he's running full speed ?

 

[IndyIan]

Her kid is kind of skinny and my daughter is tall for her age. But still, it's a 13 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. He should already know that he needs to dial it back with her and my fiancee should be enforcing very firm boundaries.

I'm more than happy to act as a supporting role in helping her change his behavior, but I'm not taking the lead on disciplining her kid and she is not taking the lead on disciplining mine.

I'm not a psychologist, or marriage counsellor, but I think you adults have to eventually get on the same page for discipline, and make it clear to all the kids, what the rules are, and either parent is going to parent all of them the same way.

Some kids(and parents), just don't naturally have a lot of common sense or a whole lot of empathy for others, and he needs to be taught by someone(you) that dangerous play around littler kids is going to have consequences, even if the little kid doesn't get injured.
My oldest was the same for a while, but I explained that I was responsible for his safety and don't go 100% at him when playing, and when he's the big guy, he's responsible not to go 100% at his smaller brother or any other kids.

He's probably seen 100's of hours of clips on the phone of people getting hurt framed as being funny, and has to learn that's not the reality in your family.

 

[CheezWhiz]

I agree 7 year old daughter should NOT be playing with her 13 year old son.

Maybe play tag football with him and accidentally clothes line him when he's running full speed ?

I am not going to get physical in any way and I am not going to ask my son to step in. Just not ok in today's world.

I think there is nothing wrong at all with expecting a 13 year old boy to be able to play with a 7 year old girl with enough restraint so that she does not get hurt.

 

[CheezWhiz]

I played basketball with him once and I accidentally knocked him down and he cried. I am VERY careful when I play basketball with him now. I expect the same from him when it comes to my daughter. End of story.

 

[Pew]

Does he bully other kids at school or active with friends that do?

 

[CheezWhiz]

Does he bully other kids at school or active with friends that do?

I don't think so. And in a way, this entire thread is kind of unfair to him. Everything I've said so far is true and it is absolutely going to stop one way or the other, but he's also been a really great friend to my son and has some moments where is also really great with my daughter.

At the end of the day the things I am seeing are not ok and I will not continue the relationship if they do not change. But it is not my first instinct to end the relationship, I would much prefer to see my finacee step up and do the job that needs to be done so that my kids can continue to benefit from his positive traits.

 

[Pablo]

I don't think so. And in a way, this entire thread is kind of unfair to him. Everything I've said so far is true and it is absolutely going to stop one way or the other, but he's also been a really great friend to my son and has some moments where is also really great with my daughter.

At the end of the day the things I am seeing are not ok and I will not continue the relationship if they do not change. But it is not my first instinct to end the relationship, I would much prefer to see my finacee step up and do the job that needs to be done so that my kids can continue to benefit from his positive traits.

Sounds like a mellow chat would help, part of that roach brain is wanting to be an adult. Just remind him of his power and how good the ability to control that power is and will be.

 

[john_pifer]

I'm engaged to a girl, she has a 13 year old son. I have an 11 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.

The boys get rough sometimes but my son is much larger so I don't have any real concerns there. But I feel like my fiancee's son is too rough with my daughter.

For instance, he wanted to play flag football with our whole family. First play we hand my daughter the ball and he immediately runs full speed at her and rips the flag off of her behind the line of scrimmage.

The three of them play a game where they kind of roughhouse with the mattresses and act like monkeys, she got hurt by him. I asked him what happened and he said "Hey, if she wants to play with the boys, that's what happens.?

The other day she was pitching baseball to him with one of those rubber baseballs - pretty firm and about the same weight as a baseball. She was 20 feet away from him and he's hitting the ball as hard as he can.

I'm thinking - you have got to be kidding me. A 13 year old boy should absolutely know how to control himself and make sure a 7 year old girl does not get hurt. If' you're playing flag football with a girl half your age, you back off and let her have some fun, maybe pull the flag off gently after letting her get a first down. If you're doing a silly monkey game, you're aware of your body at all times and make sure the younger kid doesn't get hurt. If you're being pitched to by a girl half your age, you hit the ball back gently and encourage her to field the ball. You don't play full speed trying to dominate a little girl or hit the ball back at her as hard as you can!

Am I wrong?

Excuse me for being blunt, but why are you posting it here?

Take control of the situation and handle it.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Sounds like a mellow chat would help, part of that roach brain is wanting to be an adult. Just remind him of his power and how good the ability to control that power is and will be.

I agree but we've done that and it hasn't been sufficient. My feeling is that she needs to decide if the relationship is worth it and step up and confront her son if she wants the relationship to continue.

My son hit hers a couple of times when we first moved in together and I absolutely made sure that was nipped in the bud. But her kid has a way of making things seem accidental and she keeps defending him, so the behavior continues. I don't care whether it is an accident or not, my feeling he needs to be careful and make sure people aren't hurt and if not she should be sending a very clear message.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Excuse me for being blunt, but why are you posting it here?

Take control of the situation and handle it.

Because I want some ideas from other people and I don't want to share it with family.

If you have some productive thoughts, please share them. The post above is not helpful.

 

[john_pifer]

Because I want some ideas from other people and I don't want to share it with family.

If you have some productive thoughts, please share them. The post above is not helpful.

I was blunt because it seems pretty obvious - As the head of the household, it’s your job to, as someone else said, set boundaries.

Try appealing to his sense of responsibility and chivalry (what most 13 year old boys want most is to be considered to be grown).

Remind him how much bigger and stronger he is than her, and that he has a responsibility to protect a weaker, younger person from being hurt, and not treat her, physically, as just another one of his male buddies.

 

[CheezWhiz]

I was blunt because it seems pretty obvious - As the head of the household, it’s your job to, as someone else said, set boundaries.

It's not that obvious because it is not my kid.

 

[Hall]

These behaviors don't happen with his biological father around because his biological father would not tolerate it for a second.

Well, you know where the real problem lies now, dontcha ?

 

[SC Maintenance]

I’m not so sure about that. Defeats the whole purpose of having both parents and kids learn very quickly how to manipulate the situation and pit the parents against each other.

If my wife has an issue with how I deal with one of the kids, she will comment in private, but never in front of the kids, I do the same.

The last thing a household needs, is parents questioning each other’s parenting decisions.

I would stay single if the kids need to be divided under who’s authority they fall under.

I would agree with you if anything in the original post indicated this is a "household".

Sounds like 2 families trying to feel there way around how to form a household. Possibly I am mis-reading the original post.

If it was my 13 year old I would take @Zee09 approach, because I agree with his overall assessment.

 

[Hall]

As the head of the household

Says who ? 'cause he's the male ? OP hasn't indicated that they even live together.

 

[CheezWhiz]

we've lived together for a couple years. my son had some issues when we first moved in together but I handled business. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I am having a hard time getting her to do the same.

Those of you with the alpha male vibe are naive and foolish. I've been in a couple war zones in the military and done some time in a boxing ring, I'm not a wuss by any measure. But when I assert myself with her kid it just creates conflict and resentment that hurts my own kid. I'm not proving anything by trying to dominate a 13 year old boy. What I need to do is stay calm and rational and figure out a way to convince my fiancee that she is hurting her own kid by making excuses for him, and then hopefully she will take some ownership of the situation and things will get better.

 

[loneryder]

My brother and I had wars that would make Genghis Khan blush. But we NEVER hurt a girl, much less a younger girl, and we would have NEVER played any kind of sport at full speed with a girl half our age.

Somebody taught you that.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Somebody taught you that.

Did they? My parents were amazing. But honestly, on this specific issue, I'm not sure my parents had to say a word. I think SOCIETY taught us that. It was just a given anywhere you went that any man or boy carried the obligation to protect a girl or woman from being hurt anywhere he went.

Those days are gone, sadly.