I'm currently in a rather tight financial situation supporting my fiance. She cannot seem to understand basic fiscal reasoning, and every time I bring it up we get into a horrible fight. It's getting to the point where I am extrememely worried about my financial viability over the next few months. Does anyone here have any advice on how to open a civil discussion on this topic? She doesn't buy frivolous things, she just doesn't understand that we cna only pay for so much and we must prioritize.
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Advice: Unless she figures this out, I would advise against marriage.
You asked.
You asked.
I second Pablo on this. If you can't talk calmly and reasonably with your fiance about money then it's most likely curtains for your marriage.
Let's hope that other people can reply before this topic is closed.
Let's hope that other people can reply before this topic is closed.
I read somewhere that finances was the number one reason for husband/wife arguments.....number two was in-laws.....
Lone Ranger, you speak truth, kemosabe!
carrea79,
I am one that likes to spend money. I buy a ton of stuff(Ebay, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, etc). My wife is very thrifty and a tight wad with money, which is very good for me. It was very hard at first for her to be able to talk to me without it getting a little heated. We had to make an agreement(literally written in writing). I can only spend so much every month. It's sounds childish, but dang, I like buying tools!!!(and oil) Basically, you HAVE to get on a fixed, firm budget that you both can stick to. She obviously has to be responsible with spending money, but let her be able to buy some things.
Sit down, figure out all your income, figure out your debt. Devise a budget plan, get a buy in from her. You gotta give some, she will too. Stick to it.
BTW, if you figure out a budget plan, your savings account is a bill. Pay it every month.
I am one that likes to spend money. I buy a ton of stuff(Ebay, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, etc). My wife is very thrifty and a tight wad with money, which is very good for me. It was very hard at first for her to be able to talk to me without it getting a little heated. We had to make an agreement(literally written in writing). I can only spend so much every month. It's sounds childish, but dang, I like buying tools!!!(and oil) Basically, you HAVE to get on a fixed, firm budget that you both can stick to. She obviously has to be responsible with spending money, but let her be able to buy some things.
Sit down, figure out all your income, figure out your debt. Devise a budget plan, get a buy in from her. You gotta give some, she will too. Stick to it.
BTW, if you figure out a budget plan, your savings account is a bill. Pay it every month.
pablo speaks that which you don't want to hear, and he is right.
once you are joined in holy matrimony, your credit becomes her credit, and vice versa.
at one point, my wife and i kept our finances separate. this worked well, as i paid all my bills on pay day, then lived off the rest.
then i got lazy. (this was actually better for me). now i sign my paycheck and give it to the wife. we have a certain amount that goes towards bills, mortgage, etc. i get the rest of my check minus our joint bills. we now split stuff 50-50. we were socialist for a while as well (bills were paid based on the percentage of income each of us made, because she made a lot more than me). the majority of my remainder goes into my savings, and i drink the rest (barley pop) or spend it on car care products.
anyway, your best approach may be to sit down with the s.o. with a stack of monthly bills and pay stubs, and write up a budget. open a checking account for bills. open a savings account. open a christmas club account. together, go see a financial advisor.
my wife and i have argued about money only when i did something stupid, like bought a motorcycle without telling her. for instance.
we are lucky. we make good money, had no college debt and no credit card debt. we don't have kids, and we don't try to live beyond our means. you just have to get used to having $x in your pocket and living on it for a week or two.
[ November 01, 2004, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: tweeker43 ]
once you are joined in holy matrimony, your credit becomes her credit, and vice versa.
at one point, my wife and i kept our finances separate. this worked well, as i paid all my bills on pay day, then lived off the rest.
then i got lazy. (this was actually better for me). now i sign my paycheck and give it to the wife. we have a certain amount that goes towards bills, mortgage, etc. i get the rest of my check minus our joint bills. we now split stuff 50-50. we were socialist for a while as well (bills were paid based on the percentage of income each of us made, because she made a lot more than me). the majority of my remainder goes into my savings, and i drink the rest (barley pop) or spend it on car care products.
anyway, your best approach may be to sit down with the s.o. with a stack of monthly bills and pay stubs, and write up a budget. open a checking account for bills. open a savings account. open a christmas club account. together, go see a financial advisor.
my wife and i have argued about money only when i did something stupid, like bought a motorcycle without telling her. for instance.
we are lucky. we make good money, had no college debt and no credit card debt. we don't have kids, and we don't try to live beyond our means. you just have to get used to having $x in your pocket and living on it for a week or two.
[ November 01, 2004, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: tweeker43 ]
I also have to agree with Pablo. You two NEED to get this figured out before you get married.
If your fiance happens to be French, there is no hope.
Groucho,
The word fiance (or in this case fiancee), by it's very nature, suggests that she is french.
The word fiance (or in this case fiancee), by it's very nature, suggests that she is french.
so, if she spends a lot of $, fiancee sure sounds like "finance"
Good advice. A big share of divorces are rooted in disagreements over finances. If they can't work it out before marriage then they shouldn't be getting married. It will be harder to deal with once they are married, not easier.
There are enough other adjustments required to have decent marraige without starting out with a major source of disagreement like finances.
Try to talk to her, and explain your concerned for Both of you and your future. Maybe she'll get it. At the end of the day the question for you is which is more important, her, or finances?
I don't see it that way. If you decide that finances are more important and take the marriage plunge anyway..it will destroy your love, future and marriage.
Please get the finance thing under control. It would be worth the money to get professional financial counceling before the plunge.
But one other subject-if you and she get "into a horrible fight" over finances it also doesn't bode well for your relationship.
When you are young the hormone thing overpowers common sense and problems that are already there. When the hormones fade the serious problems will rush to the surface. You sound like the thinking type-perhaps some serious thinking is in order here.
Believe me-a practical financially responsible woman will likely give you a stable marriage. The other type will bring you financial ruin. Cost of a divorce is poverty.
Good luck. You got the right advice starting with Pablo.
When bringing up this topic, you should consider that arguments work both ways. If you remain strong in your position while acknowledging her feelings, but staying non-emotional, you might be able to diffuse the tension. It might also help to try and make a segue to the money issue from a topic that you agree on. Tie it to something that she feels is important and try to help her see how financial stability is necessary to achieve her goals. Above all, though, don't argue back. Once the emotions start running high, logic goes right out the window and you won't get anything accomplished.
I agree with the others, though. Get this worked out before you walk down the aisle.
I agree with the others, though. Get this worked out before you walk down the aisle.
Medic, a point well made.
I don't understand. If she's spending more than you have, then she's buying frivolous things. Right? Probably junk that she doesn't need like new dresses or shoes or $30 dinners.
And no, you don't want to marry this woman. My niece just divorced her husband, because he kept wasting their money on stuff they did not need (boats, cars, tools). There are 3,000,000,000 women on this planet, so marry one of them who CAN balance a checkbook.
Good luck.
[ November 02, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: farfel ]
Most people realize this fact of life sooner or later, some never do. From experience, get it worked out before getting married. I have some friends that are now seperated, because they chose to get married before joining the real world.
-T
-T
You know, carrera said that she doesn't buy frivilous things. Is she spending too much on food? Synthetic oil? Chippendales?
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