Marriage advice on BITOG ?

[LeakySeals]

Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Unfortunately, in that case mommy gets custody of the child, daddy gets the bill and visits every other weekend.

That why daddys these days have to tip toe around mommy instead of excercising their natural authority as head of the family.

Yup. I'm typing about divorce in the middle of the night on BITOG from my apartment. The Ex is with the kids, in my house, sleeping with her new bf after treating him to dinner with 1/2 my paycheck I just coughed up.

 

[MNgopher]

My marriage went on the rocks after about a year and a half after having our first. Nothing like a child to disrupt the relatively peaceful world until then... I've come to the conclusion there are not many more things that can strain a relationship as badly!

You need to carve out some time for you and your spouse without the kid. It helps. If things get rocky enough, don't wait to ask for help. Family friends, pastors, whatever... It did wonders for us to break the spiral we seemed to be in. And yes, the bulk of the issues revolved around our different parenting styles. We also found our second child (now 9 months) also actually helped. I have no idea why...

 

[hardcore302]

Sounds like you need to assert some authority. Tell her to keep it shut. Are you out galavanting around town? Are you sleeping around? Do you abuse her/your child? Are you a drug/alcohol abuser? Do you have a good, steady job? Do you care for your family? Are you a criminal?

Odds are: you answered correctly. At least you are there for them, love them, and support them. There are alot of things worse than "different parenting styles", whatever that is. Sounds like she needs to appreciate what she has instead of whining about it.

I appoligize if I came off rude or insulting, but women these days complain waaaaaaaaaaaayyy too much about menial things. It's as if they create family problems themselves when there are none.

 

[crinkles]

whatever you do, you need to present a united front to the child. He can see discord, and his behavior will feed off it, in a bad way. Discipline is good at any age.

Speaking as a father of three and having had hard times but for different reasons.

 

[hemitruck]

have you tried the simple approach and asked her whats wrong? my guess is that she tired and bored from being in the house with your child all the time. she most likely needs some alone time and a girls night out every so often.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: MNgopher
My marriage went on the rocks after about a year and a half after having our first. Nothing like a child to disrupt the relatively peaceful world until then... I've come to the conclusion there are not many more things that can strain a relationship as badly!

I'm guessing that the #1 reason for divorce is kids. Bc even though financial issues are up there...what causes financial problems? duuuuhhh.... kids.

I raised two and really although I live them dearly and my grandchildren .....had we had none, our lives would have been happier, stress free, and we would be retired in Hawaii now....just saying.

 

[yeti]

this thread title made me laugh. bitog never fails as entertainment.
my observations over the last 20 or so years -- if you have rotten, undisciplined kids who do not listen, it's almost always the parents' fault. i call them animals. almost always, it's the mother's fault, since she doesn't want to be the bad guy and discipline the kids. she wants dad to do it, and when he does, she doesn't agree with it, and a fight starts. kids sense this at a young age, and proceed with divide and conquer tactics. the terrible two's last about 20 years, and a divorce is likely years before the animal(s) leave home.
as a believer in fair play, if the kid turns out well, the mother deserves most of the credit, since she spends most of the time with a kid when young.
if parents are not united on discipline, your lives will be miserable, and divorce is likely.
unless a guy can get a bulletproof pre-nup, it doesn't make sense to get married, let alone have kids. HALF of marriages fail, and it's very, very rare that a guy does NOT take it in the neck. women know this, so there is little incentive to try and make things work. if things don't go her way, get a divorce, alimony, and child support.the one good thing that comes from this, for the guy,is that the woman has to deal with an animal kid by herself, and drive her nuts.
if a guy gets caught up in this type of scenario, and half do, it's your own fault. period. no sympathy from me.remember -- HALF of marriages fail.wake up, guys.
have a good day.

 

[CROWNVIC4LIFE]

I agree with everything yeti just said!

 

[Jimmy9190]

Mom and Dad have to be consistent and firm on discipline. If mom lets the kid get away with murder and dad whoops the kid's butt every time the kid acts up, Mom and Dad will be bailing the kid out of jail by the time he is 18 and going to visit the kid in prison or the graveyard by the time the kid is 22.

When my daughter was born, I worked and my wife stayed home with our daughter. Part of the reason for that was because we did not want her in day care with people we did not know from Heaven's housecat and coming home sick all the time. It was not super easy but we compromised with each other and made it work, and for the most part we were all happy together. It was like that until our daughter was old enough to start pre-kindergarten, then my wife got a part time job to get out of the house and make a little money and spend time with adults. It is important to spend time with adults when you are in a child's world 24/7.

We were always consistent with how we raised our daughter. She threw tantrums and tested us but we found consistent and constructive ways to discipline her. Kids need structure and consistency from both parents and if mom and dad can't agree then they had better get some help somewhere and both start singing off the same sheet of music pronto, or there will be a lot of problems and trouble later on in the kid's and parents' lives. Even after my wife died when my daughter was 11, I and the rest of the family all remained consistent, firm and strong in the ways we raised her and how we taught her to believe and behave.

When I was a kid I never knew my father. I have never met the man and could not care less about him now. He bailed out on my mom, my brother and me when I was only two weeks old. I grew up hearing that he was an abusive son of a pig anyway, so good riddance. My mother loved me and my brother dearly, and she worked very hard to support us the best she could, but if I acted up when I was a kid my mom would whoop my behind. Often she would send me out in the yard to cut my own switch to whoop me with. The worst thing I could do was act up in church. I got my butt beat for that. My mother died when I was 11 and I spent the rest of my time growing up in a group home. They would whoop us there too, often in front of the rest of the kids in the house, and they also had other more creative punishments for some of the older kids that got in trouble at school or got in fist fights with other kids. It was not the best way to treat any kid but I turned out OK. Some of the kids in that place did not turn out so great. Some wound up in prison. My daughter is a very good kid, she studies hard, has a 3.6 GPA in her sophomore year at college and she stays out of trouble. I am tremendously proud of her and the wonderful person she has become. She will be 20 years old next week.

OP needs to get on the same page with his wife, as far as raising the kid goes. This needs to be done asap to avoid serious problems down the road.

 

[Kruse]

Really nothing to do with child rearing, but the woman goes into a marriage thinking that she can change her man. The man goes into a marriage thinking that the woman will never change. A marriage will be better if this mentality is kept out of it.

 

[Pop_Rivit]

Seeing some of the comments here should make you realize why this is the last place to come for marriage advice. There are a lot of marital losers who know nothing about maintaining a life long spousal relationship.

You and your wife are feeling a lot of tension, and it's time to get some professional help and guidance. Your family is the most important thing in your life, and it's time to invest in it to keep it intact. This is not the time to get some advice from a motor oil forum from people who haven't been able to hold their own relationships together. The world doesn't need any more dysfunctional families, and you're headed down that path.

Your church is a great place to start. There are often outstanding parenting and marriage classes available. If that's not an option, there are some great professional counselors available. If you're really interesting in saving your marriage, it's worth the financial investment.

And for reference, I've only been married once and it's lasted 40 years. My wife is my best friend, soul mate and the most incredible person I know.

 

[LeakySeals]

Pop...I applaud you but...Women are different today than they were 40 years ago. VERY different. For lack of a better description, more like men. Power, control, money, career. Very aggressive. I'm watching my 2 teen sons facebook. The young girls/women are much different than I know, half naked tatoos, exhibitionists, kissing other girls. And whos responsible? We are.

 

[TooManyWheels]

Originally Posted By: Pop_Rivit
You and your wife are feeling a lot of tension, and it's time to get some professional help and guidance. Your family is the most important thing in your life, and it's time to invest in it to keep it intact. This is not the time to get some advice from a motor oil forum from people who haven't been able to hold their own relationships together. The world doesn't need any more dysfunctional families, and you're headed down that path.

Your church is a great place to start. There are often outstanding parenting and marriage classes available. If that's not an option, there are some great professional counselors available. If you're really interesting in saving your marriage, it's worth the financial investment.

Ding, ding, ding for the win!

Reading this thread I couldn't believe it took so long for someone to give this anwer. Parenting is not a matter of just "who is the chief cook in the kitchen". There are known right and known wrong anwers. Find someone who knows what they are, so you can BOTH do them. It also should be noted that the child is suffering as much from the acrimony between the parents as from the inconsistant, or wrong parenting (from at least one side). If that isn't true now, it definitely will be in the future.

This problem isn't going to get better by itself - Get moving toward a professional, for the sake of your child if nothing else! You and your spouse could probably come out relatively intact from a continuation of the present or a divorce but kids, not as likely.

 

[Stelth]

I recently celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary, but that doesn't necessarily qualify me to hand out sage advice. However, I'll give it a shot.

We have four kids, and the youngest is now 21. I agree with those who say that kids can really strain a relationship, and it's not just regarding discipline. Almost everything about kids can cause strife: discipline, money issues, activities, grandparents, other relatives, pre-school/school, who the child's friends are, and on and on.

Jimmy 9190 said this:
Quote:
We were always consistent with how we raised our daughter. She threw tantrums and tested us but we found consistent and constructive ways to discipline her. Kids need structure and consistency from both parents and if mom and dad can't agree then they had better get some help somewhere and both start singing off the same sheet of music pronto, or there will be a lot of problems and trouble later on in the kid's and parents' lives.


I agree with him. My wife and I never sought out professional counseling, but there are times when it might have been appropriate.

I used to listen to Paul Harvey quite a bit. When I was in high school, many moons ago, I heard him say that a marriage goes through three stages: 1, when the flush of passion is still new, and both partners are feeling love and devotion to each other, 2, when these feelings fade and the relationship changes to the partners more-or-less tolerating each other, and 3, a re-vitalization of the love and commitment that was originally there, and it is now stronger than ever.

I think that that's generally true, although stage 2 isn't necessarily as stark as it sounds. This is when the children come along, and the couple don't have the kind of time together that they used to. It's vital for you to nurture your marriage relationship during this period. Working together to do what is best (and finding a way to mostly agree on what is best) for the child(ren) will strengthen your relationship so that there's something left when the kids move out.

And finally, even though Pop_Rivit called me a "scofflaw" in another thread, I agree with everything he says above.

 

[Rock_Hudstone]

Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.

For others, things aren't that simple. Church, marriage counseling, etc, are great ideas by all means, but can only work if mommy is willing to cooperate.
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry, and as mentioned there is little incentive to work things out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone

Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry and as mentioned there is little incentive to work thing out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.

And of course the majority of these initiated, are without cause.

 

[TooManyWheels]

Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone

For the other half like the OP, things aren't that simple, Church, marriage counseling etc, are great ideas by all means but can only work if mommy is willing to cooperate.
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry and as mentioned there is little incentive to work thing out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.


Completely agree. But the wife not cooperating is an important indicator - signs of a lack of something (commitment, trust, feeling) or sign of a personality disorder. If those situations exist, some concrete step needs to be taken to force them to the surface so they can be dealt with, or at least recognized. Otherwise the problems are attributed to the husband, or just "life", while they continue to destroy the marriage unimpeded.

 

[Rock_Hudstone]

Originally Posted By: Al
[And of course the majority of these initiated, are without cause.

Doesn't really matter what the reasons are.

No-fault divorce laws mean the wife can merely say I don't like your face anymore and hit the eject button. Judge says okay, mommy gets the kids, house, car, dog, alimony and child support.
This is not to say there aren't any no-good husbands out there as well.

Anyway, don't want to turn this into a divorce topic, just trying pointing out one of major underlying problems.

 

[Stelth]

Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.


Hope you're not talking to me, but if you are, yes I consider myself extremely fortunate. I was recently asked, "What's the secret to your marriage lasting this long?" My response was, "God created a woman who is willing to live with me."

One person, as you point out, cannot make a marriage work. In fact, I've known more than one couple who were held up as examples to the rest of us as to how a marriage and family should work, who are now divorced.

So, if I came off as being on my "high horse," I apologize. I'm extremely thankful for my marriage, my wife, and my family. I'm not saying I haven't worked hard on my marriage, I have, but I'm very blessed in having a spouse who has stuck with me through thick and thin.

 

[Virtuoso]

Things are never simple; at least very rarely.

[censored] happens, in any relationship that lasts over a number of years.

I consider myself fortunate my wife and I are still together. But I don't consider luck or fortune to have anything to do with it. It took a lot of time, understanding, love and compromise for it to happen. For us it's still a process, probably will be for a long time. But we love each other and are very committed to our family and making it work.

Adding a child to a relationship changes everything; expect it. But work with her, as much as you can, without ruining yourself. We have four; I know how it goes.