Stepping on soap box.
I work with children under stressful situations every day and it's my job to manage those children and their parents - this is my area of expertise.
Parenting has been a dying art for decades and I agree that our generation (I'm 43) made the mistake of trying to be our kid's "friends" and not their parents. Every day I see maladapted children and I estimate that when I see a child with no coping skills 90% of the time I see a parent who has no idea how to parent. The other 10% of the time and I do see this as well, you have kids with biological reasons for their poor behavior. If it's not outright poor coping it's a complete inability to speak to other human beings. Every day I walk into rooms with 16 to18-year-olds and ask them how's it going or what have you been up to this summer and 80% of the time I get an annoyed response like, "I don't know". Really? You don't know what you did this summer. Inevitably there is a parent there who either says nothing at all or proceeds to give the answer. It's hard to believe how many parents I see in their 40-50s with no coping skills and the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.
I have three teenage sons and while not perfect I don't think a week goes by that my wife or I don't get some compliment about their behavior. Last week all three were at the pediatrician and the nurse and doc wouldn't shut up about how nice they were and how easy it was to talk to them. We get compliments from their friend's parents all the time. My 16-year-old has two jobs this summer and at both restaurants, his managers beelined it for us to tell us how great he is, he's a great worker, awesome with customers, and just a nice kid. This isn't just in public, they're really nice kids at home too. They have friends. They have lives outside of the house. They all really like being home too. The 16-year-old will yell out as he crosses the school parking lot that he loves me in front of everyone without any embarrassment. They also have really nice friends too who are all every similar.
What's our secret? My wife and I were never their friends - we are their parents. We are in charge. We are the captains of the ship. We run what we call a benevolent co-dictatorship. We have always had clear expectations. We have always modeled the behavior we expected of our children. We very rarely yell and it's a very quiet house. We have always treated them like people speaking to them and not at them. When they were 5 and did something wrong and I asked why did they do that I didn't accept I don't know - I really wanted to know and when I get their answer I was very clear that whatever they did was not acceptable and it will not happen again - it rarely ever happened again. I've never had to be physical. I've rarely had to yell (sure every parent has their moments). Well, I did once chase the 14-year-old through the house (he was 11 or 12) and pin him up against the front door and tell him I would end him if he ever slammed a door in my face again and while not my finest moment that is really the extent of that kind of stuff. When the kids were little and they didn't want vaccinations because it will hurt - too bad so sad sometimes things in life hurt and you'll get over it. Oh you're anxious about your test tomorrow and we'd discuss that anxiety is a physiological response to prepare them for something important and while it's not an awesome feeling it's normal to feel anxious from time to time and it is NOT reasonable to think you can just flee anxiety-inducing situations or never feel anxiety. We taught them to not think of it as a bad feeling to avoid but to understand it is a short-term feeling that will resolve after they complete the task. Turns out they got over the pain of the vaccinations and through the anxiety of the test and life went on. We made sure when we saw people out or people came over that the kids would stop, make eye contact, say hello and introduce themselves, and shake the person's hand. We have always pushed manners. How to eat at a table, etc, etc, etc. The 16-year-old comes home from work and says some guy was mean or whatever and my response is there are all kinds of A-holes in the world do your job and forget about it - don't give someone else the power to ruin your day.
As they got older I also started talking to them about how this is THEIR life and not mine and not their mother's - we're both very happy with our lives. THEY need to do well in school for THEM because their mother and I already did our homework. THEY need to learn how to navigate school, work, and the adult world because one day soon we are kicking them out and they will be on their own. THEY need to be self-sufficient because this gravy train is coming to an end. THEY need to learn how to get **** done because the world is a harsh and unforgiving place and it really doesn't care about them or think they are special. All that said, 99% of the time it's love, respect, checking in with them to talk about their day, hugs throughout the day and I love you. Sure, all three can be little ****s too but these days it's usually pretty funny sarcasm...
Now, none of that is revolutionary in my mind - that's just basic parenting. We have friends, with maladapted children, who can't parent to save their own lives and their children misbehave all the time and can't figure out why when they come over my kids are so nice, there's no fighting, and why the house is so quiet. It's that way because we've made it that way. They are well-adjusted because we made them that way and we've given the tools they need to be successful and now it's up to THEM to be whoever it is they want to be in THEIR lives.
Steps off soap box.
