Get a copy of 'The 36 Hour Day'. Basic text for dementia caregivers. Take care of yourself.
Anybody delt with Alzheimers or Dementia?
- Thread starter Chris142
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Good luck, Chris. Talk to the professionals and take their advice. As stated, take care of yourself. Be sure the dog is wagging the tail and not vice-versa.
(I think I have Alzheimers, but I can't remember.)
I have had to deal with someone that I think has Dementia. It was like dealing with an emotionally disturbed 3 year old mind in an adult body. Because they have a child's mind, they can be easily fooled by unscrupulous people. Con-men usually take advantage of those types of people. The family member with dementia may trust a total stranger more than he trusts another family member, and may actually believe the other family member is out to get them.
I have a theory about Dementia and things like that. It is not something that suddenly appears with age. I think it was always present in the mind, but old age has caused the part of the mind that suppressed it to fail, and now it comes to the surface like opening up a can of soda that has been shaken.
I have had to deal with someone that I think has Dementia. It was like dealing with an emotionally disturbed 3 year old mind in an adult body. Because they have a child's mind, they can be easily fooled by unscrupulous people. Con-men usually take advantage of those types of people. The family member with dementia may trust a total stranger more than he trusts another family member, and may actually believe the other family member is out to get them.
I have a theory about Dementia and things like that. It is not something that suddenly appears with age. I think it was always present in the mind, but old age has caused the part of the mind that suppressed it to fail, and now it comes to the surface like opening up a can of soda that has been shaken.
I was the sole caregiver for my mom as she progressed through and finally died with AD. Being a full-time caregiver takes it's toll and not everyone is capable of doing it. For many, the perception is that it is a disease that simply makes people forgetful and robbed of their memories - but in the later stages it is so much more devastating. My driver's license was renewed just a few weeks after her death and even though I thought I was doing fine, when I look at my picture now I can see that I was physically wiped out.
There is an excellent message board that has forums for caregivers, those who have the disease, those who've lost loved ones, and more. I found it to be as informative on the subject as this one is for oil & automotive topics. It is affiliated with the Alzheimer's Association should be easy to find if you do a search for "Alzheimer's Association Online Community". I encourage anyone dealing with this disease to give it a look. Reading how others have dealt with the behaviors and challenges was invaluable to me.
There is an excellent message board that has forums for caregivers, those who have the disease, those who've lost loved ones, and more. I found it to be as informative on the subject as this one is for oil & automotive topics. It is affiliated with the Alzheimer's Association should be easy to find if you do a search for "Alzheimer's Association Online Community". I encourage anyone dealing with this disease to give it a look. Reading how others have dealt with the behaviors and challenges was invaluable to me.
My grandma developed Alzheimers in the last several years, she lived in the same neighborhood of my retired uncle and it was a drain of his physical and mental health, as well as his relationship with his wife and daughters. Grandma had a bad temper and when she finally couldn't control her own body function, my uncle couldn't handle it anymore and asked her go to go a nursing home. She refused, threw things, cried, until my mom fly in and toke grandma by force to a nursing home. Initially she wasn't used to it, but now seems to be happy as she forgot about everything even my mom and almost my uncle as well. She's always happy when people visit her, rather than holding grudges on family not being there 247.
Chris, don't feel too bad, you have done what is right and the best for them and even if they aren't happy about it, it is the best decision for their conditions.
Chris, don't feel too bad, you have done what is right and the best for them and even if they aren't happy about it, it is the best decision for their conditions.
I wish you well. We're dealing with it now with my wife's mom. She first started with it when she was 70, she's 85 and in a nursing home. It wasn't easy, and still isn't easy. We tried to keep her home as long as possible its, 3 years for her in a nursing home.
Originally Posted By: HTSS_TR
Remember one thing. Our parents spent more than 20 years loving/raising us to become who we are today, whatever we are doing now for them is nothing compare with what they had done for us. We are just repaying a very small portion of the debt we owed them.
We should feel that we are lucky to see them day by day and do what we can for them, when they passed way we will wish that we can do more but that was over.
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
A loving child may choose to take on the burden of caring for aging parents, but I'm not going to fault someone for passing on the responsibility, especially in instances like this.
The OP has done right by his father. He tried very hard to care for him at home, but its simply not manageable. Putting his father in a facility dedicated to caring for his type of illness is the best thing the OP could have done, for him and his father.
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Remember one thing. Our parents spent more than 20 years loving/raising us to become who we are today, whatever we are doing now for them is nothing compare with what they had done for us. We are just repaying a very small portion of the debt we owed them.
We should feel that we are lucky to see them day by day and do what we can for them, when they passed way we will wish that we can do more but that was over.
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
A loving child may choose to take on the burden of caring for aging parents, but I'm not going to fault someone for passing on the responsibility, especially in instances like this.
The OP has done right by his father. He tried very hard to care for him at home, but its simply not manageable. Putting his father in a facility dedicated to caring for his type of illness is the best thing the OP could have done, for him and his father.
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Originally Posted By: pzev
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: pzev
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Yes, very well said. In the case of my MIL, my wife and her sisters did the best they could, because they wanted too. It got to a point that was beyond their ability, and my MIL might have gotten poor care as a result. No one really knows the horror of Alzheimer's until they have to deal with it.
Originally Posted By: pzev
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Yes, very well said. In the case of my MIL, my wife and her sisters did the best they could, because they wanted too. It got to a point that was beyond their ability, and my MIL might have gotten poor care as a result. No one really knows the horror of Alzheimer's until they have to deal with it.
Originally Posted By: demarpaint
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: pzev
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Yes, very well said. In the case of my MIL, my wife and her sisters did the best they could, because they wanted too. It got to a point that was beyond their ability, and my MIL might have gotten poor care as a result. No one really knows the horror of Alzheimer's until they have to deal with it.
Yes, I agree with these sentiments completely. No parent would want to saddle their children with the burden of caring for them, particularly with this awful disease. Personally, I'd rather just die than suffer with AD or put anyone else through the difficulty of caring for me. It's like father Guido Sarducci's "coming and going planet" where people live to 50 and then reverse back toward birth. Essentially you end up taking care of a 100+ pound infant. I was glad I was able to care for my mom up to the end, but it's definitely something she would never have wanted me to have to do.
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: pzev
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Well said.
Yes, very well said. In the case of my MIL, my wife and her sisters did the best they could, because they wanted too. It got to a point that was beyond their ability, and my MIL might have gotten poor care as a result. No one really knows the horror of Alzheimer's until they have to deal with it.
Yes, I agree with these sentiments completely. No parent would want to saddle their children with the burden of caring for them, particularly with this awful disease. Personally, I'd rather just die than suffer with AD or put anyone else through the difficulty of caring for me. It's like father Guido Sarducci's "coming and going planet" where people live to 50 and then reverse back toward birth. Essentially you end up taking care of a 100+ pound infant. I was glad I was able to care for my mom up to the end, but it's definitely something she would never have wanted me to have to do.
Well yesterday My brother took dad out to lunch then dropped him off at the home. There is no way that dad would go if he knew what was going on. My brother walked him up to the place and told him that he wanted him to meet the nurse so dad followed her in.
They do not want me or anybody to visit him for 2 weeks minimum. They will call when they think he is ready for visitors.
I called this morning to check with the caregivers. He made a huge scene last night which I knew was going to happen.
This morning they said he was having breakfast and seemed happy. He will be happy until he realizes that he's not going home later and the scene will repeat it's self again.
I'm really depressed over the whole thing.
They do not want me or anybody to visit him for 2 weeks minimum. They will call when they think he is ready for visitors.
I called this morning to check with the caregivers. He made a huge scene last night which I knew was going to happen.
This morning they said he was having breakfast and seemed happy. He will be happy until he realizes that he's not going home later and the scene will repeat it's self again.
I'm really depressed over the whole thing.
It is a depressing thing, keep the faith.
Your family is in my prayers.
Your family is in my prayers.
Originally Posted By: Chris142
Well yesterday My brother took dad out to lunch then dropped him off at the home. There is no way that dad would go if he knew what was going on. My brother walked him up to the place and told him that he wanted him to meet the nurse so dad followed her in.
They do not want me or anybody to visit him for 2 weeks minimum. They will call when they think he is ready for visitors.
I called this morning to check with the caregivers. He made a huge scene last night which I knew was going to happen.
This morning they said he was having breakfast and seemed happy. He will be happy until he realizes that he's not going home later and the scene will repeat it's self again.
I'm really depressed over the whole thing.
I would consider counseling for yourself, they will help you deal with the guilt, depression, and anxiety that family members deal with when a loved one has Alzheimer's. Have faith that the place your dad is at is trained to deal with these patients. Trust me he's not the first person to make a scene, they know how to deal with it. Just think, if you were to care for him at home he could easily set the house on fire, or do something that could really hurt or kill himself and others. Also pray, it helps!
Well yesterday My brother took dad out to lunch then dropped him off at the home. There is no way that dad would go if he knew what was going on. My brother walked him up to the place and told him that he wanted him to meet the nurse so dad followed her in.
They do not want me or anybody to visit him for 2 weeks minimum. They will call when they think he is ready for visitors.
I called this morning to check with the caregivers. He made a huge scene last night which I knew was going to happen.
This morning they said he was having breakfast and seemed happy. He will be happy until he realizes that he's not going home later and the scene will repeat it's self again.
I'm really depressed over the whole thing.
I would consider counseling for yourself, they will help you deal with the guilt, depression, and anxiety that family members deal with when a loved one has Alzheimer's. Have faith that the place your dad is at is trained to deal with these patients. Trust me he's not the first person to make a scene, they know how to deal with it. Just think, if you were to care for him at home he could easily set the house on fire, or do something that could really hurt or kill himself and others. Also pray, it helps!
Chris I have my wife's mother and my Mom have Alzhimer's and her aunt is just starting down that road. My uncle had Dementia instead. Try to care for them is natural, but be honest is almost impossible to do. Do not feel guilty at all for having them in a home. You are doing the best thing not only for them but also for yourself. Like was suggested conseling probably isn't a bad idea. I have been told that the people do better if they are in a unit together, but in your case with your Father being abusive I probably wouldn't have the Mother with him unless the staff says it is OK and even then I might have reservations. I believe that Dementia though is more of a abusive condition. I hope for the best with you and your parents because it is hard seeing them decline into either one of the two.
Not sure how things are going to turn out with my Stepfather. His short term memory is not so good at times...like today. A frost proof faucet broke and I needed to crawl under the house to remove it, while my Stepfather was on the outside of the house helping remove it. I told him it was time to turn off the water. He told my mom he was going to turn off the water. He came back after a while and spun the pipe to remove it. Only problem was he forgot to turn off the water, but did not realize he forgot it. It was nice laying in a puddle of water.
Originally Posted By: pzev
Originally Posted By: HTSS_TR
Remember one thing. Our parents spent more than 20 years loving/raising us to become who we are today, whatever we are doing now for them is nothing compare with what they had done for us. We are just repaying a very small portion of the debt we owed them.
We should feel that we are lucky to see them day by day and do what we can for them, when they passed way we will wish that we can do more but that was over.
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
A loving child may choose to take on the burden of caring for aging parents, but I'm not going to fault someone for passing on the responsibility, especially in instances like this.
The OP has done right by his father. He tried very hard to care for him at home, but its simply not manageable. Putting his father in a facility dedicated to caring for his type of illness is the best thing the OP could have done, for him and his father.
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Very well said....
Don't feel guilty, easy to say though. My Dad is probably heading towards the same fate..........................
Originally Posted By: HTSS_TR
Remember one thing. Our parents spent more than 20 years loving/raising us to become who we are today, whatever we are doing now for them is nothing compare with what they had done for us. We are just repaying a very small portion of the debt we owed them.
We should feel that we are lucky to see them day by day and do what we can for them, when they passed way we will wish that we can do more but that was over.
Our parents had a choice to have children...they choose to accept the responsibility that comes with raising a child. Children lack such a choice...
A loving child may choose to take on the burden of caring for aging parents, but I'm not going to fault someone for passing on the responsibility, especially in instances like this.
The OP has done right by his father. He tried very hard to care for him at home, but its simply not manageable. Putting his father in a facility dedicated to caring for his type of illness is the best thing the OP could have done, for him and his father.
The OP deserves a life...I'm sure if his father was healthy he would agree. Becoming a martyr for a mentally ill parent does absolutely nobody any good.
Very well said....
Don't feel guilty, easy to say though. My Dad is probably heading towards the same fate..........................
Chris, I whitnessed this first hand in our family. Grandma was having trouble managing her diabetes so mom moved in with her parents to help out. Things got worse with grandma and the focus stayed on her. Looking back this was when things started to change with grandpa but we didn't notice it. When she finally passed away it became obvious something was wrong. Things continued to go down hill with him, but we made the commitment to keep him home as long as we could. This went on for two more years but by last spring we knew we couldn't keep it up. Besides mom being there 24/7, I'd spend most of my days off maintaining the property, and dad ran errands most everyday. Needless to say it took a huge toll on us all. By the end of spring, his mind was failing bad. He had lost most of his short term memory-he didn't even know when the seasons changed. Around this point he would get agitated quite easily and it took less and less to set him off. He didn't get violent, but he would go as far as grabbing mom by the arm. Eventually the doctors had to up his meds to the point to keep things under control, he was pretty much asleep. It was tough to do, but the consequences were so much worse. We finally put him in a nursing home in the fall, but true to his word, he didn't last long. A week latter he passed away. A few months later mom became ill and was diagonosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Once again the warning signs had been there for months, but we had been so focused on taking care of him, that things were overlooked. Whether or not the doctors could have done anything had it been caught eariler we will never know-she passed away April 6. While she was battling cancer, I became her care taker and was wiped out after three months. How she did what she did for 4 years, I have no clue. The point I'm trying to make is you need to make your well being just as important if not more than your dads. If something happens to you, what would the rest of your family do without you? Decisions like this are tough, but you have to keep your wellbeing in mind too. All that anyone can expect is for you to do the best you can. I highly doubt your dad would fault you for your decision if he were able to comprehend the situation. I know when mom got bad, she knew how hard it was for us and was willing to go to a nursing home if it came to it, but thankfully it never came to that.
Hang in there. It's tough but you'll get through this.
Hang in there. It's tough but you'll get through this.
Sure is lonely around here. I've called the home where dad is a few times this week.They still don't want visitors for another week atleast. I talked to the head nurse and she said he was doing fine.
He does act up and when he does they change the subject and give him ice cream and then he's all smiles untill his next out burst.
One of the jobs I was given by mom and my brother is to clean up the house. My dad never threw anything out.
I got rid of 3 broken TV's that were thrown into the bushes this week and a few other broken electronic things such as 8 track players etc.
He has 9 dead cars in the back. I need to get them out of here. Most will go to pic a part. After they broke down the rats moved in and theres nothing salvagable for the most part.
A 76 Camaro is going to be a roundy round racer next year. A friend put his dibs on that and a neighbor kid wants the Bug.
It's pretty depressing searching for the Titles for the cars that I knew so well.
Im going to get the porch cleaned up so that I can actully sit and watch the sun set.
He does act up and when he does they change the subject and give him ice cream and then he's all smiles untill his next out burst.
One of the jobs I was given by mom and my brother is to clean up the house. My dad never threw anything out.
I got rid of 3 broken TV's that were thrown into the bushes this week and a few other broken electronic things such as 8 track players etc.
He has 9 dead cars in the back. I need to get them out of here. Most will go to pic a part. After they broke down the rats moved in and theres nothing salvagable for the most part.
A 76 Camaro is going to be a roundy round racer next year. A friend put his dibs on that and a neighbor kid wants the Bug.
It's pretty depressing searching for the Titles for the cars that I knew so well.
Im going to get the porch cleaned up so that I can actully sit and watch the sun set.
chris, I lost my dad to it and I truely understand what you are going through.
we have an epidemic of dementia going around.
step 1: educate yourself and family if you have not done already.
step 2: don't be depressed, seeking help is good for everyone,
step 3: keep an eye on your emotional health and your mother and those around him as it will take a heavy toll. the last few stages are most damaging for both parties.
I work with Dr Sherzai at Loma Linda, he and his peers are leading research in the disease, Dr Sherzai lost both grand parents to it. We have little insight into the disease.
what works: diet, memory patches, excercise. some days are better than others.
research into memory patches and ask physician...
The only part I will disagree is the "no vist for xxxx days" pls be involved in his care from day 1. and go and visit him daily, talk to him, read to him. help him through this change pls.
we have an epidemic of dementia going around.
step 1: educate yourself and family if you have not done already.
step 2: don't be depressed, seeking help is good for everyone,
step 3: keep an eye on your emotional health and your mother and those around him as it will take a heavy toll. the last few stages are most damaging for both parties.
I work with Dr Sherzai at Loma Linda, he and his peers are leading research in the disease, Dr Sherzai lost both grand parents to it. We have little insight into the disease.
what works: diet, memory patches, excercise. some days are better than others.
research into memory patches and ask physician...
The only part I will disagree is the "no vist for xxxx days" pls be involved in his care from day 1. and go and visit him daily, talk to him, read to him. help him through this change pls.
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