Veterans day humor

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Jan 8, 2009
We found the following memo in with my father's army stuff from when he came back from Korea in '53. Good historical piece. ZI = zone of interior = continental US. SUBJECT: How to be a civilian TO: All personnel returning to the ZI You can act like a gentleman when you return to the ZI and are once again a civilian by following these simple rules: 1. When you walk along the streets, do not hit every one of draft age in civilian clothes. He may have been released on a Medical Discharge. Ask him for his credentials, and if he can’t produce them – then hit him. 2. You will undoubtedly go to the movies. Seats will be provided for you so don’t bring along your helmet. Do not whistle every time a female between the ages of 8 and 80 appears on the screen. If you can’t see, you don’t say “move your head, Jerk, I can’t see a [censored] thing”. 3. If you visit someone’s home and spend the night, you will be informed by a gentle tap that the household is arising and not by three blasts of a whistle. The proper answer is “I’ll be there in a minute”, not “Blow it out your [censored]”. 4. The first meal in the morning is breakfast. You may find a strange assortment of food, such as cantalopes, fresh eggs, milk, waffles, hot cakes, etc. Don’t be afraid, these foods are palatable and non-poisonous. If you wish more butter, turn to the person next to you and say, “Please pass the butter”, and not “throw the [censored] grease.” 5. If in a group you have the defecate, don’t grab a shovel in one hand and a paper in the other and head for the garden, for ninety percent of the houses have one room called the bathroom which consists of a tub, basin, medicine cabinet, and toilet. The latter is to be used in this case. 6. Several times a day you will have to urinate. Don’t walk around a car or tree to accomplish this. A toilet (see Par. 6) is used for this also. 7. If you are invited to someone’s home, and upon arriving you find that all the seats are occupied, don’t squat in the corner Indian fashion and say that you are perfectly comfortable. Have patience, you host will provide a chair for you. 8. At dinner you will be amazed to find that each item is in a separate dish. In the Army you learned to eat the delicacies as corned beef patties with your pudding; beans with your peaches. Don’t empty each small dish into the large dish to make it more palatable. Bear with this strange and odd custom, for even you may eventually learn to like it. 9. When you retire you may find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed for you. (Pajamas are garments used after the other garments are taken off before going to bed.) Upon seeing them, act as though you are used to them, and say “My, what a delicate shade of blue these are” – and not “how in the [censored] can I sleep in that gear; we always sleep bare [censored].” 10. If you can’t find your hat when you are ready to leave, it has probably been put in the closet for you. Say “I don’t seem to be able to find my hat” and not “Don’t anyone leave this room, some son-of-a-[censored] stole my hat”. 12. When you come home and greet your wife, you will be overcome with certain natural desires. Don’t be too hasty. First drop your pants. 13. You will find that mother usually has one day a week set aside for cleaning the house. If you feel as though you might want to help, watch your mother first to see how she does it. Don’t fall out with your arctic boots, a bucket of water in one hand, soap powder in the other and a broom over your shoulder and begin to G.I. your living room rug. Most civilians are gifted with strange objects such as vacuum cleaners, dust mops, etc. 14. If you want to keep on the good side of your family, don’t fall them out every morning with three blasts of a whistle and holler “O.K. Let’s go. All I want to see is [censored] and elbows.” The neighbors might be listening. 15. Don’t wake up dad at 5:00 A.M. and yell, “O.K. Pop, skin it back”. Mom may not like it. 16. Last but not least, don’t act like a fool. It’s true that Army life and routine may have changed you in some ways, but keep in mind that you will soon be a civilian. Try to act like one. It may be strange at first, but with a little effort you can succeed. What you do and how you act will reflect on you and the standards of the United States Army. Keep this in mind. “If you can’t say anything good about the Army then keep your [censored] trap shut”. All in all, don’t discourage anyone from enlisting in the Army. (Unless he is your friend). You may be called in again, and the guy you discourage could have been your replacement. GOOD LUCK!!!
Another oldie but goodie, hopefully no banned words or phrases in here: Murphy's war law Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The Ol' Ranger's addendum: Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush! The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.) Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. Weather ain't neutral. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Napalm is an area support weapon. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. The one item you need is always in short supply. Interchangeable parts aren't. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. When in doubt, empty your magazine. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. Murphy was a grunt. Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. The crucial round is a dud. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. Walking point = sniper bait. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. All or any of the above combined.
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