Need Step Parent advice

[LeakySeals]

I can relate from the other side. Will tell you whats going on, maybe you can get something out of it.

I've been divorced for 10 years. 2 boys 19 and 16. We were split during a lot of the upbringing, I played my role remotely, still live right down the street from the house. Communication was good between me and the ex. I wanted it that way. We did things together, events for the boys, etc. Over these years I've had GF's but nothing serious. Don't plan to remarry. Some had kids, some not. Never an issue with my boys, but one of my GF's daughters just didn't like me no matter how I tried. Something about her hopes that her mom and dad would get back together I guess. I wasn't a step dad, so i never said anything related to what she was doing, none of my business really. 7 years later (not together) we all met up and went out. The daughter was different. Matured. All was different. So it was that 12-16yo range that had her acting that way I guess.

2 years ago, my ex met somebody. He was "separated" so he said. They started dating, he went through a fast divorce. Moved straight from his wife to my ex. Unlike me who's spent time living on my own, grown to like it

. 6 months after that engaged, 6 mos after that married. Total from his divorce to remarry 1.5yrs. Complete shock to my boys no doubt. I met him once. After that, my ex broke contact (except emergencies and money). He has 2 daughters. One was ok with it, the other resented my ex. I suspect she blames my ex for splitting them up, but it was him all the way, I'm sure of it. I suspect he spotted the hot 40 something blonde and made his move. He's finding out now that the hot blonde swaps labido with biyatch after a year. What he gets for assuming hehe

Anyways.. I monitored my boys.. "He's a great guy" lots of fun in the beginning. Now.. We find out why this guy was such a fast mover. He's got a plan. And it never included my boys nor his own girls who (according to the boys) he doesn't talk to or see much anymore. He's started in on my boys. antagonizing, exerting power and control, going into their rooms and accusing them of things. The boys that were defending are now talking to dad, who, well, has a bad temper when it comes to the boys leave it at that. I believe the boys because its both. And because they started off defending him when I asked. I expected they would, because they love their mom and they know how I am. They how mad I'm gonna get. So, the fact they are coming to me, talking to me, getting me angry means it must be bad.

So.. With girls between 12-16 who knows. But in the case of my boys, its somebody who's changing things they feel unfairly. My 16 yo makes honor roll. My 19yo is in college, works, pays for his own car. If he gets home late, even smokes pot, his grades are there, he works, no trouble. So his dad, me, looks the other way because he's doing what he's supposed to do. Kids need to learn their own lessons wherever possible. But this new father. He's treating them like they are bad seed. 2 teen boys on honor roll and hes being a trolling bedroom? My boys want me to act? This can be ugly. I wish the dude would have left well enough alone. He has no clue what he's doing. If I don't beat him up, my boys will. Its all unnecessary. He was the one that married a woman with boys, its he that needs to wait for them to move on.

Does this apply to you? probably not. Because the way you wrote it suggests not. But its worth reading to see what exerting yourself right or wrong is perceived. You can't just change things to what you think is normal overnight. Its better you let a third party do that. And DO NOT tell them that the third party is your choice.

Good luck, ask me anything, would love to help.

 

[GreeCguy]

Let me throw in my two cents worth as well.

First, I grew up in a "yours, mine and ours" household. It wasn't the Brady Bunch. My Father was previously married as was my mother and both had children from previous marriage. Mom's kids hated my Dad and Dad's kids hated my Mom. It was very confusing for me to grow up in as I am the only child of my father and mother which always put me in the middle. What happened as I grew up is that I discovered all the lies that were being told and all the games that were being played - but it took time. Looking back, what I admire about my Dad in that situation was the way he handled it. He made it clear he wasn't their father and wasn't trying to take their father's place, but at the same time, he was the man of the house and therefore the boss of the house. He set reasonable rules and my mother supported him in this. There were some very rocky times but Dad never wavered and it gave our home a great deal of stability in what could have been a very unstable situation. He was there for them when they needed help but at the same time didn't put up with any [censored] when that came down the pike.

Secondly, I have two daughters myself. Both are in their 20's and doing well in life. I love them dearly and both of them love me. When they come to visit, they hug my neck, call me "Papa" and make me very proud. But when they were teenagers, I thought I would loose my mind because of some of the things they did, (I won't go into details, but suffice it to say it put a lot of grey hairs in my beard). For whatever reason, teenage girls today are very rebellious and strong willed and seem to go through a period of testing boundaries. Both my daughters today will readily admit that when they were teenagers, they pushed the limits but now they are thankful that "Papa" kept at least trying to help them walk the straight and narrow. It's like a journey through a rugged land that when it's done, you can look back and say it was worth it.

I know you don't want to hear it, but you've got some tough years in front of you. My word of encouragement is to stay the course and be strong. No, you're not the father, but you are the father figure and man of the house. Your rules are your rules. Don't worry about the nay-sayers in the family - that's going to happen regardless.

 

[Clevy]

Stay the course. Try not to give anyone a reason to believe her exaggerations and make sure you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day when contemplating the decisions made.
My girls son(7 at the time) would tell her that I spanked him,that I would make dinner for his sister and not him,that I would leave the kids unsupervised and so on.
It went on for 2 years and the strain almost broke my girl and I up. The boy saw that his stories got her and I to fight and he hoped his mom and dad would re-unite.
Its gotten much better because he now sees I'm not leaving,and that I love him. His dad pays child support but contributes nothing emotionally. I taught him to skate,pay for his hockey. I bring him to work and pay him,with which he has purchased his own dirt bike.
His father is nothing more than a sperm donor,I'm his dad. He now sees that I'm not going anywhere,and his lies no longer fool anyone.
Op
Its going to get worse before it gets better,and it will get better.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Bandito440
Manual labor. Do you have any friends with farms? Spending a summer tossing hay bales and shoveling manure will give her some perspective.


Until she tells him to pound sand.

 

[Dave Hess]

Lots of good advice, hopefully it all work out for the OP.

 

[QuietPortage]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Originally Posted By: Bandito440
Manual labor. Do you have any friends with farms? Spending a summer tossing hay bales and shoveling manure will give her some perspective.


Until she tells him to pound sand.

I wouldn't present that as an option. Just drop her off and head on home.

There are plenty of residential camps and boarding schools that provide kids with work to do and needed therapy.

http://natsap.org/

I still think some time on the farm would do the trick.

 

[Jarlaxle]

And when she flatly refuses to work...then what?

 

[QuietPortage]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
And when she flatly refuses to work...then what?

Boarding school or a residential camp, I suppose. A little vacation might improve her disposition.

 

[doitmyself]

Discussing parenting methods is nearly as hot as sex, religion, and politics.

Originally Posted By: refaller
I frequently would say, "I get you hate me, but this is how it's going to be..." ref


I think this may be some very bad advice. There is no love or respect in this relationship (on the teen's part). To attempt to rule with a heavy hand will only cause her to dig in deeper, develop more resentment, and do more/worse stuff behind his back.

Based on the OP's comment to want to resort to meds, he is clearly out of his element on this situation. I would seek counseling for the OP to learn how to handle the situation. Yes, that's a bold move for men that have the "John Wayne syndrome", but sometimes it is more manly to seek help rather stand your stubborn ground.

IF you are self motivated, can read, and can implement self help sources, I would suggest a book by Thomas Gordon called Parent Effectiveness Training (PET). It is part of his methodology that includes Leadership Effectiveness Training (LET) based on principles such as active listening, I messages, no-lose conflict resolution, and the behavioral window. I took the LET training through my workplace HR and have to say it is indeed amazingly effective.

I work with academic research Phd's, some of which are VERY similar to working with children.

Best wishes to you in a very difficult situation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parent_Effectiveness_Training

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Bandito440
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
And when she flatly refuses to work...then what?

Boarding school or a residential camp, I suppose. A little vacation might improve her disposition.


Right up until she utters three magic words: "He molested me."

 

[refaller]

I think you read a lot of tone into my response. The last thing I ever do is "John Wayne" it. I indicated that he should have sympathy for her past and situation. I follow the Love and Logic technique (actually, I teach it too). My children (none of whom are biologically mine) had all learned to emotionally manipulate people. That is why I would start off with the fact that I was OK that they hated me- cause I knew they didn't and it took away the emotional manipulation element. Then I would simply divert to how the situation was going to work- never with anger or raising of voice. I was/ am consistent in my rules and consequences with all behaviors (good and bad). The teens all learned to love and respect me. I get a lot of calls on father's day from young adults who have had some pretty horrific childhoods. Definitely not because I was John Wayne, I simply provided the consistent boundaries that children need.

ref

PS- I am usually all for counseling. Just make sure the counselor is helping you move forward. I see a lot of counselors who prefer to keep clients. If you need that child's verbal love and acceptance, then I would say you have issues that you should ponder. I have a couple of therapist friends and we bounce around ideas and issues all the time.

 

[Rtstrider]

Well I just wanted to give you guys an update. I read all of your input and couldn't be gracious enough to have input from both sides. Doing so has actually helped me make a few adjustments on my part and well this weekend was the most peaceful weekend I've had with her in about 2 years. I think where I went wrong is I was trying to rule with the iron fist and trying to be a parent through the parent. I realized if I just back off and let both sides (the mother and father) be the decision makers and just do as they say life is so much better. Man I wished I would've brought this up to you guys/gals sooner than I did and can't thank you enough!

 

[rjundi]

Glad it worked out.

 

[doitmyself]

Hello refaller,

My interpretation of "this is how it is going to be" equated to "my way or the highway". My father-in-law operated with this one sided, heavy handed approach and it failed miserably. On the same note, permissiveness or "friending" is not right either. Your follow up of "providing consistent boundaries" is different than my interpretation and sounds like it worked well.

My John Wayne analogy was aimed at men in general, certainly not at you at all, and hopefully to give an option for the OP to seek professional help. While many men criticize women as being emotional and unstable, I encounter a lot of men that are in denial about having their act together. Again, this is based on my father in law who put on a show of being the tough man, but in reality had a lot of personal issues.

Take care.

Edit: Good for you rtstrider. Over the past 12 years, I have been amazed at how BITOG people step up to the plate to offer serious help with personal problems.