Alright so I need advice. I'm a stepfather of 4 and 3 out 4 of the children are great! Very respectful, and just great kids at heart! I cannot praise them enough and am proud of them! However I have a teenage step daughter who has been through quite a different upbringing where she had to be the adult at times and now is having trouble transitioning back into the child role. Unfortunately in this time I am automatically the bad guy to the point she states she "hates me and wishes I would die" and that "I'm not good enough for her mom". We have had multiple talks with her and they have basically gotten no where. She has divided the family so much that it took about 3 years before one side actually saw the true side of us and have stepped in to help. Also they have actually started to invite both of us out to gatherings and events which is great! However the other side basically does anything, tells her how bad of parents both of us are, and fuels a fire to try to not only separate my wife and I, but, fill the step daughters head with false statements that in her mind justify her actions. I basically stepped up to the plate as I have no children myself and don't know what to do. It's gotten so bad that I have actually gone to the Dr and have discussed going on medications to help take the edge off of everyday things. I'm pretty sure there are other battle tested veterans out there that have been through this before. Any advice, good words, words of wisdom?
Need Step Parent advice
- Thread starter Rtstrider
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Let her mom deal with it if you love your wife and she loves you she will take care of it. It is a no win for you.
My step mom does not like her step kids. She openly admits it. I drove 22 hours and got to my dad's house to crash on the couch for the night and was woken up and told I could not stay there. She didn't care if I had fallen asleep at the wheel I was going to leave. My dad doesn't have the balls to say anything to her about what she does. I helped my dad any way I could from building a shed to auto replairs to getting him $3500 appliances for ~$600 oh and dtiving because he is a tailgater and speeder that gets tickets.
I have a VERY negative view of the step parent because of this.
I have NEVER been in trouble with the law and have a 3.64gpa going. I never ask for money either. It has become such a PITA for me I have written them off. I have not answered dad's calls or texts in 3 months. He lives less than 45 minutes from me.
Dusty
My step mom does not like her step kids. She openly admits it. I drove 22 hours and got to my dad's house to crash on the couch for the night and was woken up and told I could not stay there. She didn't care if I had fallen asleep at the wheel I was going to leave. My dad doesn't have the balls to say anything to her about what she does. I helped my dad any way I could from building a shed to auto replairs to getting him $3500 appliances for ~$600 oh and dtiving because he is a tailgater and speeder that gets tickets.
I have a VERY negative view of the step parent because of this.
I have NEVER been in trouble with the law and have a 3.64gpa going. I never ask for money either. It has become such a PITA for me I have written them off. I have not answered dad's calls or texts in 3 months. He lives less than 45 minutes from me.
Dusty
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Have you tried taking her to a therapist, especially one who specializes in adolescent behavior?
I'm confused by the one side, two side thing. Who are you actually talking about? Biological father, grandparents, aunts, uncles?
And are you saying she thinks you're the bad guy for marrying her mom or is there something else behind it that's upsetting her?
I'm confused by the one side, two side thing. Who are you actually talking about? Biological father, grandparents, aunts, uncles?
And are you saying she thinks you're the bad guy for marrying her mom or is there something else behind it that's upsetting her?
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Originally Posted By: DrDusty86
Let her mom deal with it if you love your wife and she loves you she will take care of it. It is a no win for you.
My step mom does not like her step kids. She openly admits it. I drove 22 hours and got to my dad's house to crash on the couch for the night and was woken up and told I could not stay there. She didn't care if I had fallen asleep at the wheel I was going to leave. My dad doesn't have the balls to say anything to her about what she does. I helped my dad any way I could from building a shed to auto replairs to getting him $3500 appliances for ~$600 oh and dtiving because he is a tailgater and speeder that gets tickets.
I have a VERY negative view of the step parent because of this.
I have NEVER been in trouble with the law and have a 3.64gpa going. I never ask for money either. It has become such a PITA for me I have written them off. I have not answered dad's calls or texts in 3 months. He lives less than 45 minutes from me.
Dusty
If it's your dad's house,I'd tell that woman to [censored] off.
Let her mom deal with it if you love your wife and she loves you she will take care of it. It is a no win for you.
My step mom does not like her step kids. She openly admits it. I drove 22 hours and got to my dad's house to crash on the couch for the night and was woken up and told I could not stay there. She didn't care if I had fallen asleep at the wheel I was going to leave. My dad doesn't have the balls to say anything to her about what she does. I helped my dad any way I could from building a shed to auto replairs to getting him $3500 appliances for ~$600 oh and dtiving because he is a tailgater and speeder that gets tickets.
I have a VERY negative view of the step parent because of this.
I have NEVER been in trouble with the law and have a 3.64gpa going. I never ask for money either. It has become such a PITA for me I have written them off. I have not answered dad's calls or texts in 3 months. He lives less than 45 minutes from me.
Dusty
If it's your dad's house,I'd tell that woman to [censored] off.
Yes we have tried the therapist deal but she is not honest with them. The side I'm talking about is my wifes siblings and mother that is giving us the honest chance and has actually seen things for what they are and the other is her grandmother and cousins. She thinks I'm the bad guy for marrying her mom and thinks that her mom could've done better. Although I've made it well known I treat the kids like my own, love them like my own, and accept them as my own.
I'm telling you, teenage daughters are just hard to deal with. Hormonal, emotional, etc. etc. it's all there. Face it, with her....your the devil and until she sees differently, nothing you can do about it. However, at this point, it might be a test from both wife/daughter....you ARE THE MAN, BE THE MAN. Don't cave, stick to your righteous guns and beliefs, it's got you this far with everybody else but her, so don't change. And for goodness sakes, don't go seeing a doctor and getting on medication. You don't need it, you've done nothing wrong. Let the wife see the man she married and has stepped up to the plate. It takes a big man to raise another man's child. Just don't do anything stupid and you'll be fine.
Dang Drdusty....all my step mothers weren't that bad until Dad died in 2003.....she had the will changed unbeknownst to us, and she got everything and gave us nothing.....
Dang Drdusty....all my step mothers weren't that bad until Dad died in 2003.....she had the will changed unbeknownst to us, and she got everything and gave us nothing.....
Teenage girls are the hardest. You clearly recognize that some of this is her response to previous issues in life- have sympathy with/ for her. I frequently would say, "I get you hate me, but this is how it's going to be..." Eventually they realize who was a father for them and who was not. Words can hurt, but only if you give them that power. My step-daughter is 28 now and has 5 kids. She calls me on Father's Day and for advice fairly often. Someday I will die and she will be my legacy. Thus far, I am proud of my legacy.
ref
ref
Originally Posted By: Rtstrider
Alright so I need advice.
I'm a stepfather of 4
I have a teenage step daughter who has been through quite a different upbringing where she had to be the adult at times and now is having trouble transitioning back into the child role.
Unfortunately in this time I am automatically the bad guy to the point she states she "hates me and wishes I would die" and that "I'm not good enough for her mom".
My fiance has a 21 year old daughter.
At the beginning of our relationship (6 years ago), her daughter didn't want to be around her mom if I was around, which meant my having to go away so her daughter can visit.
After we bought our house together, I put my foot down, and said that she needs to get over her irrational feelings of me, and to come visit, as I won't be put out of my own home so she can think that her mom might one day move back in with her and her dad.
So eventually, the daughter started visiting around age 17, and learned that I'm not evil incarnate. I know she's not my daughter, as that's her father's job (she still lives with him, and he's a good guy overall), but when she's at my house, her safety becomes my responsibility, and I do everything I can to make sure she's safe, and happy. I even work on her car to keep it safe to run around in.
She's accepted me for who I am, and respects me, and that's all I can ask for.
So honestly, the only advise I can offer you with regards to the daughter is to just be your honest self. You don't need to tell her that you love her, or give her gifts to try and win her over. In fact, I highly recommend against that. Just treat her as a human who has your respect, and show her that you lover her mom.
If she says she hates you, or that her mom deserves better, just tell her "Your mom is a fantastic woman, and she thinks I'm worth putting up with, so if you don't mind, I will trust her judgement on our relationship, rather than yours."
As for the mother in law, next time she pipes up about you not being good enough for her daughter, just reply to her "Last time I checked, your daughter loves me just as much as I love her. It's a shame my relationship with you isn't as good as my relationship with your daughter, but I'm willing to ignore all the vile filth that comes flying out of your mouth, simply because of how wonderful your daughter is."
But that's just me and my style of handling people who have no valid reason to dislike me.
BC.
Alright so I need advice.
I'm a stepfather of 4
I have a teenage step daughter who has been through quite a different upbringing where she had to be the adult at times and now is having trouble transitioning back into the child role.
Unfortunately in this time I am automatically the bad guy to the point she states she "hates me and wishes I would die" and that "I'm not good enough for her mom".
My fiance has a 21 year old daughter.
At the beginning of our relationship (6 years ago), her daughter didn't want to be around her mom if I was around, which meant my having to go away so her daughter can visit.
After we bought our house together, I put my foot down, and said that she needs to get over her irrational feelings of me, and to come visit, as I won't be put out of my own home so she can think that her mom might one day move back in with her and her dad.
So eventually, the daughter started visiting around age 17, and learned that I'm not evil incarnate. I know she's not my daughter, as that's her father's job (she still lives with him, and he's a good guy overall), but when she's at my house, her safety becomes my responsibility, and I do everything I can to make sure she's safe, and happy. I even work on her car to keep it safe to run around in.
She's accepted me for who I am, and respects me, and that's all I can ask for.
So honestly, the only advise I can offer you with regards to the daughter is to just be your honest self. You don't need to tell her that you love her, or give her gifts to try and win her over. In fact, I highly recommend against that. Just treat her as a human who has your respect, and show her that you lover her mom.
If she says she hates you, or that her mom deserves better, just tell her "Your mom is a fantastic woman, and she thinks I'm worth putting up with, so if you don't mind, I will trust her judgement on our relationship, rather than yours."
As for the mother in law, next time she pipes up about you not being good enough for her daughter, just reply to her "Last time I checked, your daughter loves me just as much as I love her. It's a shame my relationship with you isn't as good as my relationship with your daughter, but I'm willing to ignore all the vile filth that comes flying out of your mouth, simply because of how wonderful your daughter is."
But that's just me and my style of handling people who have no valid reason to dislike me.
BC.
You can try and get a feel for how set in her ways she already is. I doubt there is going to be any unlearning or undoing. If she wants to play the wise beyond her years thing with you support all avenues on how to be an adult (education/employment) and just skip the being a kid all over again. If you are all under one roof it still has to be a team effort on chores,time management, helping the younger kids etc. You came into her moms life because you love her mom, then lets make mom happy and mom is only happy if all kids are doing well and happy. If there is friction with mom and daughter over something trivial and has nothing to do with you,the stepdad will still get blamed.
ref said what I'm saying too. A father is the whole picture way into adulthood not the cliche teach her to ride a vbike or swim at age 6 necessarily
ref said what I'm saying too. A father is the whole picture way into adulthood not the cliche teach her to ride a vbike or swim at age 6 necessarily
Asian,
OUTCH BUBBA!
I honestly believe that my issue is the ethnicity of her. I never paid attention to it until I brought a female friend to my dad's house. She pointed out that Hispanic women are very manipulative and controlling by nature. She sees me as a threat to her kids as the time my dad would spend with me was away from her kids and she wasn't going to have that.
She was almost about to move into a cardboard box when my dad me her and he is an engineer that makes over $130k a year. She was going to do WHATEVER she could to keep her new lifestyle. Even the case early on.
OUTCH BUBBA!
I honestly believe that my issue is the ethnicity of her. I never paid attention to it until I brought a female friend to my dad's house. She pointed out that Hispanic women are very manipulative and controlling by nature. She sees me as a threat to her kids as the time my dad would spend with me was away from her kids and she wasn't going to have that.
She was almost about to move into a cardboard box when my dad me her and he is an engineer that makes over $130k a year. She was going to do WHATEVER she could to keep her new lifestyle. Even the case early on.
Manual labor. Do you have any friends with farms? Spending a summer tossing hay bales and shoveling manure will give her some perspective.
How did you meet her mother? Was she still married to the girls father when you met?
How is her relationship with her father?
How is her relationship with her father?
I agree that you're being tested by the kid. Figure out how to at least stand your ground....then take back whatever ground you can.
If you can maintain your composure while standing firm, you'll get respect from everybody.
Easier said than done though....Good luck!
If you can maintain your composure while standing firm, you'll get respect from everybody.
Easier said than done though....Good luck!
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The step daughter was born out of wedlock and they were never married. Actually he just showed up in her life a few years ago and I have to really give him props. He's really been trying his hardest to make up ground. On top of that he's very supportive of our family as we are of his. And we are all on the same page working together on this.
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