Need life advice. House/ money issues

[ryan2022]

Hi guys, need some advice.

I've talked to a couple of local buddies and they've got my back on this, I just need some more backup, since its a tough call.

My wife and I are pretty settled in our area, and Ive chose the manufacturing industry as my field, way back in college. I'm a designer by trade, and the opportunities in town are not great. There ARE opportunities, but we're in a community where housing costs are climbing faster than pay rates.

We're in a 3 bedroom up, and two down house, which we moved into in preparation for starting a family. 4 years later, still no family, and the house is WAY more than we need.

My wife loves the place....as in adores it, and its tough for me to ask her to move. I just feel so trapped in my career, contantly feeling the need to bring home a big paycheck. The job I'm at now pays well enough, but is so unfullfiling and slow, I can barely lift my head when I walk in, int he morning.

My idea, is a life change. I want to downsize to a smaller older house. We lived in a smaller place when we were first married, and it was terrific. There was NO job stress, no trapped feelings. etc... Now that chasing the American dream has kicked in, life has gotten a bit harder. We're comfortable with the way thigns are now, but if we do throw a baby into the mix, and I have to change jobs and take a pay cut, we will FEEL it. I dont want that burden.

I figure if we can move to a smaller place, and drop the bills down as much as possible, we could live a much more simple and stress free life. there will always be stresses, but I'm starting to see that this is where people get caught in the vicious circle. My wife is SLOWly coming around, but its really hurting her. Shes pretty reasonable, just hates being up rooted. I try not to feel resentment towards her, but its tough.

Am I on the right track? I'm hoping my gut feeling is valid, and I'm doing the right thing by pushing for this.

Thanks for the sounding board.

Ryan

 

[DieselTech]

Momma aint happy, aint nobody happy. I'm not sure if the house or the Job is the bigger issue here. You may think harder about a job change rather then a housing change.

 

[Dave Hess]

I would move for a better paying job and buy a smaller house.

 

[expat]

What does your wife LIKE about where you are? What turns her crank?
Perhaps there is a way to meet her needs/wants more efficiently?
If you feel stress now, how will you feel if Kid DO come along?

If things don't change, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

 

[DieselTech]

The 5 year question is a biggie. From what I can tell your feeling come from work. It is not fulfilling to you. maybe a change in both are in store, but I would only tackle 1 thing at a time. Anthing more then that will be much unwanted stress.

About the wife.......Compromise

 

[gathermewool]

If it's the area she loves, then it behooves you to do your research before you even push for this. Find some where comparable, but cheaper. If need be, push for an older house that needs a little bit of sweat equity. Before you start a family, tell her she can remodel the much-cheaper, new (older) home any way she likes. This might appease her while allowing for a more budget-friendly living situation, and also some where closer to a better job.

Unless she makes a significant portion of your combined income, it has to be your decision which job you take. It would be different if you were rethinking your career choice after having three kids, all used to a certain standard of living, friends and schooling.

 

[d00df00d]

You absolutely are doing the right thing. You are thoughtful about planning for a sustainable future for yourself and your family, willing to express yourself in your relationship, honest about yourself and your situation, and genuinely considerate of your wife's feelings. It sounds like you are also a pretty persistent person given the right motivation. If most married people were like that, things would be very different in this country.

It's natural to feel some resentment in that situation. Just remember that the only reason you're feeling it is that you're stuck with her, which means you're committed to your marriage. If that's the worst of your problems, you're in pretty good shape.

When you talk to your wife, emphasize the positives, i.e. the flexibility to start a family and have a job that makes you happy, both of which are literally priceless. The nice thing about material possessions, including houses, is that they're never impossible to replace.

If I were in your shoes, I would also take every opportunity to lighten the mood. For example, you could offer your wife an IOU for one fantastic 3-bedroom house if she agrees to spend a few years in a cozy home with you and have your baby. You could then use that as a way to introduce, say, the savings account you've just opened (hint hint -- proactive gestures go a LONG way in situations like this), into which you will deposit some of the money you save by living in a smaller home, which you will later use for the down payment on the aforementioned fantastic 3-bedroom house. Stuff like that.

 

[The_Jeff]

If and when a baby comes the economy will probably be better and you'll have more options. Is wifey working? It is awesome to not need daycare.

now my personal bio in 100 words or less

married 01, 1st kid 07, 2nd 09. Working a formerly glorious job that's been automated and computerized to a degree to take all the craft-- all the satisfaction-- away. Pay is peanuts, I carry the health insurance. Swing shifts: weekend days, Monday/Tues nights. Wife works 20+ hours M-F, we don't have daycare. Oddly her job, even being part time, is taking off as all the senior people left for greener pastures. We also don't see each other but are reasonably satisfied with each other's "command decisions". IE:

Me: I got a car to fix up, I need a ride.
Her: My brother is broke, we're adopting his dog in 15 minutes.

Until my eldest is 7 or 8 years old and can be a latchkey kid I'm trapped also, if not by my line of work but by the crazy 1 in 10,000 schedule. I cope by trying not to think about it; I get enough downtime and lack of supervision that I rule the roost here by myself at work. You can think of your current drab job as a lifeboat to get through these economic times. Oh, show me a town where opportunities ARE great!

This is truly wierd sounding but maybe you could rent a room out for a few years and help that pay your mortgage? Keep it on the down low; your town probably doesn't like multi-family single unit housing. But taking in boarders is a time honored way to get by.

 

[ryan2022]

Thanks alot guys. I really appreciate the feedback.

We're actually heading out right now for a movie date. Gotta shake out the cobb webbs.

I'll check back in later.

 

[Papa Bear]

How old are you. Ryan? How long married? Wife work? Does she like her job?

I am now comfotably in retirement and look back over my work/ marriage/ family career..... it was quite a struggle !!??!! (mostly in my own head)

So, a couple of things I learned:
1) My plan doesn't always match God's plan
2) Strive for balance, I can't have everything I want
3) If in doubt, ask the wife.. she'll straighten you out.
4) Appreciating what I have far outweighs the need for more.
5) Family is more impotant than work.

You were right to ask your buddies buy don't forget to ask an older guy too, experience is priceless.

I feel your pain ...... you'll be OK !

 

[Cutehumor]

You need to talk to her about it. a job career change is associated with a job pay cut. if you change careers, you can't afford your house. You may not want to do that in this Great recession. Don't forget, home values have tanked. The house I bought, the seller lost 50k bucks. So if you do sell, you would eat a loss. Are your cars paid off? I notice you have an 2005 and 2006 vehicle. if they are, your ahead of the game there.

The house we just bought I didn't want to pay 100k more than the house I wanted to look at but my wife wanted a nice freakin home, so I compromised because I knew it would make her happy. (I'm notoriously frugal) She has higher expectations when it comes to homes than I do because she grew up in comfort. I grew up scrapin every penny I could get. I know what your feeling about job stress. I'm working 55 plus hours a week in a very stressful job with a micromanager.

 

[andrewg]

Don't spend your life trying to please your wife. The both of you should have similar goals here and try to please each other....if it's one vs. the other, you will not be happy. You've already been in a house....that you didn't need....for four years. That's enough time and things didn't work out the way you had hoped. Discuss with the wife your stress and ideas.....and then gently let her know a temporary downsize is in order. You can always get back into a larger home AFTER the kids start popping out. It's not like "BAM" and you need a huge home. You didn't mention that she worked. If not, you have even more of a reason to make this decision since you are the sole provider. Once moved and the financial stresses subside, see if your boss at work can involve you in an area of the job that is more satisfying. If not, then begin looking for a job elsewhere (just keep it under wraps from the boss). You've got to plan these things out that you CAN plan....like your employment and the home. As for children? Sounds like you are not ready right now and the extreme stress that will surround you once a child is born will REALLY make you feel trapped.
The decisions you make now may be tough, but just imagine if you do nothing but try and please the wife! In a few years you may be full of regret and your wife will know it.

 

[JayhawkRoy]

I'm going to provide some contrarian advice here.

Are you sure you will save a substantial amount by purchasing and moving to a smaller house? If housing prices are going up in your area, you may not save much. Do the math very carefully. Include additional one time issues like closing costs, etc, in your calculations.

One of the largest differences between folks who bought a house and held on to it, and my itinerant life with the military was that I paid through the nose every three to four years purchasing a different house. While many folks my age now have their house paid off, I still have a mortgage to deal with. In my case it is very feasible economically, but in reality I am not that much better off than if I could have determined my "dream house" much earlier. If this house suits your needs or desires for a larger family, then retaining the house may be the best. If you go back in six or seven years to essentially a house like you own now, my math suggests you will be paying more than if you held on to the current house.

 

[expat]

Don't go out to a movie. Rent a DVD, save some money and watch something that could stimulate discussion.
Here's a good one;
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0169547/

 

[ryan2022]

Originally Posted By: Papa Bear
How old are you. Ryan? How long married? Wife work? Does she like her job?

I am now comfotably in retirement and look back over my work/ marriage/ family career..... it was quite a struggle !!??!! (mostly in my own head)

So, a couple of things I learned:
1) My plan doesn't always match God's plan
2) Strive for balance, I can't have everything I want
3) If in doubt, ask the wife.. she'll straighten you out.
4) Appreciating what I have far outweighs the need for more.
5) Family is more impotant than work.

You were right to ask your buddies buy don't forget to ask an older guy too, experience is priceless.

I feel your pain ...... you'll be OK !



Thanks bud. Coming from someone thats been there, and got through it, makes me feel better!

I'm 31 now, my wife is 30 this year. We've been married since 2003. My wife works, and does like her job, but recently the stress on her has been huge. She's running around for the company, working long hours, and their compensation hasnt been terrific. Its just really overwhelming her. When we started looking around, we found most oportunites in the area where failry low paying, at least lower than we're at now. Thats where the trapped feeling comes in. I figure if we downsize to match the income we'd be looking at making after we both did a job change, it would take a large amount of the stress off of us, and give us more options.....Id be happy making less per year than I am now, if the work was fulfilling.

We dont live an extravagent lifestyle. We're comfortable NOW, with no baby in the picture, and the jobs we have. There just arent many options, and my biggest fear is painting ourselves into a corner.

Anyway, thanks guys. You've given me some good food for thought. A great bunch on this site!

 

[ryan2022]

The decisions you make now may be tough, but just imagine if you do nothing but try and please the wife! In a few years you may be full of regret and your wife will know it. [/quote]

Very true

 

[crinkles]

don't waste your life in a job or trying to chase the american dream.

what's important is family and your sanity and her sanity.

i hate my job and WILL change. at the end of this year. LOL.

 

[PandaBear]

Financially speaking, you won't save non energy bill in a smaller house, and every time you move you spend some money in transaction related cost (real estate agents, closing cost, new furniture appliance decoration remodeling etc).

If it is not that big of a difference, I'd stay with this house unless you want to move to another geographical location. That's something you have to work with your wife, every one is different.

 

[Dave Hess]

Where is Peterborough ?

 

[Seguino]

If you hate your job, change it. You say housing costs are escalating faster than pay, but that also means YOUR house is increasing in value. If you want to downsize after changing jobs, your house will be worth that much more, but moving is capital E expensive. Take that into account. Good luck.