End of life experience during my Dad's passing

Really cool account Scott. I've had enough anomalous, nonphysical/spiritual oriented experiences over the years that it has pretty much forced me to remain open minded. Based on those experiences, I'm inclined to think that your dad is enjoying a new life in a different dimension/nonphysical level, and wanted to console your spouse (btw, my spouse sounds quite a bit like your spouse from what you've described).

One of my earliest jobs was working with folks that are elderly and needed extra assistance. I worked, in his house, with this one guy, John, who earlier in his life used to be a really good ice skater (competitive). A couple of times, he confessed to me that he was scared to die. We talked about death, and what may come after (I told him about some of my nonphysical oriented experiences and told him I was inclined to believe that consciousness survives the death of the physical body).

Anyways, spent awhile working with him, but then my spouse and I made plans of making a major move to another state some 500+ miles away. I had to quit that job because of the move.

A couple weeks or so after I quit and had already moved, I was meditating, and John popped up very strongly in my mind's eye, and he seemed so happy, and it was like he was trying to tell me "Thank you!" (he had a big smile, and appreciation as a feeling was radiating from him). I was not too surprised when my immediate supervisor from that old job, called me up a couple of days later and told me that John had passed recently, and she thought that I would like to know.
 
VersysVsWhat said:
Really cool account Scott. I've had enough anomalous, nonphysical/spiritual oriented experiences over the years that it has pretty much forced me to remain open minded. Based on those experiences, I'm inclined to think that your dad is enjoying a new life in a different dimension/nonphysical level, and wanted to console your spouse (btw, my spouse sounds quite a bit like your spouse from what you've described).

One of my earliest jobs was working with folks that are elderly and needed extra assistance. I worked, in his house, with this one guy, John, who earlier in his life used to be a really good ice skater (competitive). A couple of times, he confessed to me that he was scared to die. We talked about death, and what may come after (I told him about some of my nonphysical oriented experiences and told him I was inclined to believe that consciousness survives the death of the physical body).

Anyways, spent awhile working with him, but then my spouse and I made plans of making a major move to another state some 500+ miles away. I had to quit that job because of the move.

A couple weeks or so after I quit and had already moved, I was meditating, and John popped up very strongly in my mind's eye, and he seemed so happy, and it was like he was trying to tell me "Thank you!" (he had a big smile, and appreciation as a feeling was radiating from him). I was not too surprised when my immediate supervisor from that old job, called me up a couple of days later and told me that John had passed recently, and she thought that I would like to know.
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You are a deep thinker. I like that. I think you and I could have some long conversations.

Scott
 
When I was 16 my mom was diagnosed with 3rd stage cervical and ovarian cancer. We only found out because her belly started to become extended, like she was pregnant again. When she went in to get checked, she instead found out that she had a large tumor growing inside of her.

Her chances didn't look good because of the lateness of the diagnosis, but she went in for surgery (to remove the tumor) and then chemo treatments. Somehow, she actually did get better, and she had a few years where she was actually pretty healthy. It was considered a bit of a mini miracle at the time.

But then she started to get sick again, and it was clear the cancer was back. I was hoping that the above would happen again. We were pretty close. She had me on her birthday, after having had many miscarriages and years of trying to have a kid. We were just kindred spirits in a lot of ways, and my only issue with her ever was her choice of my stepfather (who is a certified grade a Ahole, but fooled her for a number of years).

A couple weeks before she ended up passing (and a couple months after our respective birthdays), I had a dream where her and I were talking in the kitchen, and she told me, "Justin, I'm leaving." In confusion, I started to ask her, "leaving? To go where?", but as I was waking up, I knew what the dream meant and that would be no 2nd mini miracle, and that she would pass.

(I've had some dreams and experiences with her since then, but don't really want to go into it, and have practical, house stuff to attend to)
 
slo town said:
Y'all:

I have a life story I'd like to share with you, but before I go any further let's be respectful with our replies and comments. Thanks.

My mother passed away in 2010. My parents had been married 59 years at the time of her passing. My father passed in 2012.

My father lived on his own afterwards in the home they bought in 1959. Sue and I live about 360 miles away from him (round trip) so it was impossible to make daily or weekly checks on him. And my father, as supremely intelligent as he was, was computer illiterate and deaf (late in life) which made conversation with him difficult.

Dad was always an independent guy, but when we visited and found the kitchen sink running or one of the stove top burners glowing orange hot - while he was in bed taking a midday nap - we decided to have him move in with us. We set up a nice living space for him in our spare bedroom.

Long story short, my father had a sales career that required him to wear the finest suits, drive the nicest cars (including a Tri-Power 1965 Pontiac Grand Prix back in the day). Also too, he had to entertain clients with fine dinners and/or golf on the Monterey Peninsula or in San Francisco.

By now Dad was having heart problems and was on medication for it. In his final weeks that proud, handsome man was having to wear diapers. That image haunts me to this day.

One day he called Sue and me into his room and said, "I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you two caring for me like this - but this isn't living." Then he looked at Sue (who was an RN) and asked, "Susie, what can I do about this?" No sure what he was really asking, it made Sue and I pause for several seconds until she said, "Well, Jim, if you stop taking your heart meds you won't last long". To that he said, "That's exactly what I need to know. Thanks!". Six weeks later he was dead.

My Dad and Sue became very close over the years, which was quite a contrast to his feelings when he first met her. Let's just say that Sue was free spirited young woman who couldn't spell the word "bra", a contrast to my Dad's professional persona. But over the years my Dad - in fact both my parents - absolutely adored her. I'm an only child and I used to joke with them that they loved her more than they did me. My kidding was often met with an awkward silence, which suggested they did indeed loved her more than me. But no worries, I understood and I didn't blame them!

One last thing, I grew up in an agnostic family. Sue was not religious, per se, but she was very spiritual.

Given that backdrop, here is where things get.....I'm not sure how to describe it.

Dad was on Hospice care. Part of that care plan in his final days was giving him anti-anxiety drugs and morphine. In his final hours I sat in his room with him. No way was I going to let him die alone. On his final night he was unconscious and making the death sounds we were warned to prepare for.

I couldn't tolerate it any longer, and I'm sure nor could he. I was double and tripling his morphine doses in an effort to put him out of his misery. But he lived on. I sat there all night until about 5AM. Sue got up and said, "Scott, You have to be exhausted. Go to bed. Let me sit with him for awhile". I went to bed and fell asleep in seconds. Sue awakened me just 15 minutes later and told me Dad had died.

But here is the "interesting" part. Wrong word, but you'll get it if you read on.

Sue was exhausted too and dozed off minutes after taking over. Then she had this "dream". She was in a fancy hotel in San Francisco (my Dad's favorite city back in the day). She was led to this door somewhere. She knocked and when the door opened she saw my father dressed up in one of his fancy suits with a gathering of happy people socializing in the background - and my Dad was a young man!

Sue didn't understand and stammered, "Jim, I don't understand. What's going on?" To which he replied, "Susie, don't worry about me. I'm not sick anymore!". Sue awakened from this "dream", only to see my Dad take his last breath.

It is my belief that my Dad didn't want to die with me, he wanted to die with Sue. And I understand!

Perhaps more importantly, where do you think he was?

I'll let you draw your own conclusions, but please be respectful with your comments.

Scott

PS Read the obituary and look at this picture. That's our three dogs with Dad on his final day. Look at the concern on their faces. They knew this canine loving human was near the end.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/mercurynews/name/james-sitler-obituary?id=9982026

View attachment 283476
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I told my Mother several times that the best thing I ever did for her was marry my wife.
 
That was a great and very interesting obituary. Sorry for your loss, Scott.

My 2nd wife died of breast cancer and she passed shortly after her brother and half sister called. Being in Hospice, she wasn't able to talk to them, but I put my phone up to her ear to listen. She always kept them at arms length and was frequently annoyed by them. Maybe that's what gave her the final push to go into the great beyond, who knows. At least her passing was peaceful, it was surprising to me how quiet and uneventful that it is. But I will never forget that moment.
 
RIP Jim. Thanks for sharing Scott.

Had recent dream of an uncle of mine who passed. He was very important to me, though I avoided him for a few years during Covid in order to not get him sick. Life got busy, he got cancer and I miss him terribly. But this dream was extremely vivid and realistic, with us working on a truck in a garage (looked like my fathers place with great lighting). My father was there and my uncle ribbing me about disassembling a brand new truck. But I was conscious that he was gone, so I asked him "How are you here now and am I really speaking to you?" He said "Yes, its me." We had brief conversation, about how he was, how he is feeling now and if he suffered. It was as real as any conversation I have ever had with the man. When I woke in the morning, I felt just amazing. And I remember that conversation vividly.
 
Thank for sharing this Scott. I have a story about my grandmother's passing and the birth of my eldest, which were two trains passing in the night that you'd probably enjoy. I'll consider sharing it.
 
Scott, I've had a similar experience. My wife's Mom did not approve of me early on, due to my alcoholism even though I was years sober at the time. She had had a horrible experience with her youngest brother; I never blamed her. After Sue's Dad passed away, we started to visit Petaluma every Saturday to take Mrs. U to Costco, lunch, etc and I would do stuff around the house. As time went on, Mrs. U and I became very close; in fact when she died I was her closest person; she often confided in me and asked serious life and end-of-life questions when it was just she and I.

Towards the end, Mrs. U moved to Sac to live with her son and daughter-in-law, as they had the space and time to help. When Mrs. U went into a hospital, end near, Sue and I went to visit.
A night or 2 later, I woke early one morning, probably 5:00AM. I had this vivid dream of Mrs. U in her room; I was sitting at the end of the bed in a steel chair, just being there. Now, her bed was near the wall, there was no door to outside. I looked up, and there was Mrs. U walking into a bright passageway; she was dressed perfectly in thin white sweater buttoned at the top (never went anywhere without being dressed impecably), her hair was brushed neatly; she was pulling her small suitcase. The hospital bed was made neatly. She told me, "Jeff, I am leaving now." I cried out, "But Mrs. U, what will I do without you?" Then she was gone.

45 minutes later Sue's brother called and told us Mrs. U had passed.

Now, to fill in the flip side of the story, my Dad, not a nice man, would ask Sue, "What are you doing with Jeffrey?" Let's just say I married up and my folks were beyond grateful. Ha!
 
JeffKeryk said:
Scott, I've had a similar experience. My wife's Mom did not approve of me early on, due to my alcoholism even though I was years sober at the time. She had had a horrible experience with her youngest brother; I never blamed her. After Sue's Dad passed away, we started to visit Petaluma every Saturday to take Mrs. U to Costco, lunch, etc and I would do stuff around the house. As time went on, Mrs. U and I became very close; in fact when she died I was her closest person; she often confided in me and asked serious life and end-of-life questions when it was just she and I.

Towards the end, Mrs. U moved to Sac to live with her son and daughter-in-law, as they had the space and time to help. When Mrs. U went into a hospital, end near, Sue and I went to visit.
A night or 2 later, I woke early one morning, probably 5:00AM. I had this vivid dream of Mrs. U in her room; I was sitting at the end of the bed in a steel chair, just being there. Now, her bed was near the wall, there was no door to outside. I looked up, and there was Mrs. U walking into a bright passageway; she was dressed perfectly in thin white sweater buttoned at the top (never went anywhere without being dressed impecably), her hair was brushed neatly; she was pulling her small suitcase. The hospital bed was made neatly. She told me, "Jeff, I am leaving now." I cried out, "But Mrs. U, what will I do without you?" Then she was gone.

45 minutes later Sue's brother called and told us Mrs. U had passed.

Now, to fill in the flip side of the story, my Dad, not a nice man, would ask Sue, "What are you doing with Jeffrey?" Let's just say I married up and my folks were beyond grateful. Ha!
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Your story, my story, and the stories that others posted here make me hopeful. I've always been of empirical mind, but stories like these make me take pause.

Let's hope,

Scott
 
Sorry for your loss. Seemed like a great guy. I believe he lives on and that you'll see him again.

The Willow Creek?... Is that a different one than the one in NorCal?
 
Doc8404 said:
@slo town we were told by a doctor during hospice that often loved ones will not die with you in the room. You go to the bathroom and bam. Gone.
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My sister and I were alternating sitting with him. She had just relieved me and I was on my way back to her house when she called and said you'd better get back here. I turned around and when I got there he was gone. I never gave it any thought as to who he wanted to be around when he died. I don't think he was aware of anybody being there. I will say that relatives dying at home is way over rated. It's a lot rougher for you and the family.
 
slo town said:
Y'all:

I have a life story I'd like to share with you, but before I go any further let's be respectful with our replies and comments. Thanks.

My mother passed away in 2010. My parents had been married 59 years at the time of her passing. My father passed in 2012.

My father lived on his own afterwards in the home they bought in 1959. Sue and I live about 360 miles away from him (round trip) so it was impossible to make daily or weekly checks on him. And my father, as supremely intelligent as he was, was computer illiterate and deaf (late in life) which made conversation with him difficult.

Dad was always an independent guy, but when we visited and found the kitchen sink running or one of the stove top burners glowing orange hot - while he was in bed taking a midday nap - we decided to have him move in with us. We set up a nice living space for him in our spare bedroom.

Long story short, my father had a sales career that required him to wear the finest suits, drive the nicest cars (including a Tri-Power 1965 Pontiac Grand Prix back in the day). Also too, he had to entertain clients with fine dinners and/or golf on the Monterey Peninsula or in San Francisco.

By now Dad was having heart problems and was on medication for it. In his final weeks that proud, handsome man was having to wear diapers. That image haunts me to this day.

One day he called Sue and me into his room and said, "I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you two caring for me like this - but this isn't living." Then he looked at Sue (who was an RN) and asked, "Susie, what can I do about this?" No sure what he was really asking, it made Sue and I pause for several seconds until she said, "Well, Jim, if you stop taking your heart meds you won't last long". To that he said, "That's exactly what I need to know. Thanks!". Six weeks later he was dead.

My Dad and Sue became very close over the years, which was quite a contrast to his feelings when he first met her. Let's just say that Sue was free spirited young woman who couldn't spell the word "bra", a contrast to my Dad's professional persona. But over the years my Dad - in fact both my parents - absolutely adored her. I'm an only child and I used to joke with them that they loved her more than they did me. My kidding was often met with an awkward silence, which suggested they did indeed loved her more than me. But no worries, I understood and I didn't blame them!

One last thing, I grew up in an agnostic family. Sue was not religious, per se, but she was very spiritual.

Given that backdrop, here is where things get.....I'm not sure how to describe it.

Dad was on Hospice care. Part of that care plan in his final days was giving him anti-anxiety drugs and morphine. In his final hours I sat in his room with him. No way was I going to let him die alone. On his final night he was unconscious and making the death sounds we were warned to prepare for.

I couldn't tolerate it any longer, and I'm sure nor could he. I was double and tripling his morphine doses in an effort to put him out of his misery. But he lived on. I sat there all night until about 5AM. Sue got up and said, "Scott, You have to be exhausted. Go to bed. Let me sit with him for awhile". I went to bed and fell asleep in seconds. Sue awakened me just 15 minutes later and told me Dad had died.

But here is the "interesting" part. Wrong word, but you'll get it if you read on.

Sue was exhausted too and dozed off minutes after taking over. Then she had this "dream". She was in a fancy hotel in San Francisco (my Dad's favorite city back in the day). She was led to this door somewhere. She knocked and when the door opened she saw my father dressed up in one of his fancy suits with a gathering of happy people socializing in the background - and my Dad was a young man!

Sue didn't understand and stammered, "Jim, I don't understand. What's going on?" To which he replied, "Susie, don't worry about me. I'm not sick anymore!". Sue awakened from this "dream", only to see my Dad take his last breath.

It is my belief that my Dad didn't want to die with me, he wanted to die with Sue. And I understand!

Perhaps more importantly, where do you think he was?

I'll let you draw your own conclusions, but please be respectful with your comments.

Scott

PS Read the obituary and look at this picture. That's our three dogs with Dad on his final day. Look at the concern on their faces. They knew this canine loving human was near the end.

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/mercurynews/name/james-sitler-obituary?id=9982026
Click to expand...
This is all quite..........."raw" to me. As you might remember my dad passed Dec 26, 2024
MIL passed in March, same year.

I would have commented earlier, as I read your post around 9:30AM, but I was a bit welled up and I was only on my phone. My words might have come across as too choppy and perhaps disrespectful.

People at the end still are with us, even if they can't exactly communicate. My wife's mom, a proud and private woman absolutely did not want to die in front of any family members. This may sound odd, but we all knew and could sense this. She was aware.

As for after, not sure any significance - but my wife (main care giver) was very broken up. I had not really planned how to consul her (not good at those things). I was standing just outside our breezeway, praying and looking up - just then two bald eagles flew no more than 10 feet over my head. I felt the confidence to hug my wife and say the right words.

My dad - well my dad was the guy who could have teeth pulled, bone set, skin surgery, etc without pain killers - at 94 years survived COVID but then died of the flu later the same year. He definitely didn't want us around. Sometimes during most of his life my father was not a pleasant man. But he was not a terrible father.

After he passed I had many dreams about him. Not all pleasant.
 
Blang said:
Sorry for your loss. Seemed like a great guy. I believe he lives on and that you'll see him again.

The Willow Creek?... Is that a different one than the one in NorCal?
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He was a good guy. Supremely intelligent and proper. A Kent State graduate. In fact, both my parents had college degrees. My mother graduated from Bowling Green and was an accountant. Unusual for both parents of that generation to be college educated.

Willow Creek is a small "district" within the larger Paso Robles Wine Appellation.

Scott
 
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Pablo said:
This is all quite..........."raw" to me. As you might remember my dad passed Dec 26, 2024
MIL passed in March, same year.

I would have commented earlier, as I read your post around 9:30AM, but I was a bit welled up and I was only on my phone. My words might have come across as too choppy and perhaps disrespectful.

People at the end still are with us, even if they can't exactly communicate. My wife's mom, a proud and private woman absolutely did not want to die in front of any family members. This may sound odd, but we all knew and could sense this. She was aware.

As for after, not sure any significance - but my wife (main care giver) was very broken up. I had not really planned how to consul her (not good at those things). I was standing just outside our breezeway, praying and looking up - just then two bald eagles flew no more than 10 feet over my head. I felt the confidence to hug my wife and say the right words.

My dad - well my dad was the guy who could have teeth pulled, bone set, skin surgery, etc without pain killers - at 94 years survived COVID but then died of the flu later the same year. He definitely didn't want us around. Sometimes during most of his life my father was not a pleasant man. But he was not a terrible father.

After he passed I had many dreams about him. Not all pleasant.
Click to expand...
@Pablo, your message is one of good news and not so good news. Fortunately both my parents were naturally good natured, and I was a good kid. The only problem I caused affected my own well being and safety. Regardless, I imagine the conflicting memories of your father; him not being pleasant and his passing must be hard to reconcile.

Your father passing December 26th; I could have sworn someone else posted on this thread that they lost a parent on that date, but I cannot find the message.

And speaking of Christmas, Christmas in our household was a low key event. My Dad's father died on Christmas Day when Dad was only 5 years old. Appendicitis. My Dad was suspicious of Christmas for that reason. I have an old family photo of the two of them a few days before his death. Amazing how much they looked like each other.

Thanks for the reply, Pablo.

Scott
 
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slo town said:
Sorry for your loss. One thing losing a parent, or anyone close to you, there are always regrets. I was a good son but there were things I regret and wish I could do over. More of a later in life thing, but there were times I was not as kind and considerate as I should have been.

One time my Dad couldn't fix his irrigation system. Frustrated the heck out of him. I was annoyed with the situation and fixed it but only after telling him he couldn't fix it because "you're old, dammit". My tone was not nice.

Scott
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Yes, understand you wanting to take back words over time.

When in a supervisor/ leadership position, I always discussed with the team that everyone is entitled to have a bad day from time to time.

You had a bad day, I am sure your dad knew you, the outside pressures you have faced or were facing, and you were having a bad day.

Almost all if not everyone of us on BITOG have had like experiences with the people we love the most.
 
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