Dating a girl with a kid? Who's done it?

[javacontour]

Best bit of advice I was given in this arena is as follows:

Before you can find the one, you have to be the one.

If you are dating with the end goal of marriage, you can't be dating to fill some hole in your life. You need to be a self-sufficient, fully functioning adult human being.

The whole Jerry McGuire "you complete me" is a bunch of [censored]. If you are going into a relationship looking for someone who can support you, or whatever, then you have the wrong idea of what makes a successful marriage.

You have to be ready to support her. And she needs to be a fully functioning adult human being as well, able to support you should that be needed. But neither would actually need such support on an on-going basis in a healthy relationship. No damsels in distress needing rescue. Believe me, from personal experience, that only ends badly.

Get your act together and be someone who is established. When you are in that circumstance, the flood of potential candidates will be overwhelming. Choose from the subset of those who are in a similar place. Wounded knights and damsels in distress make for good fairy tales, but not good, long term relationships or marriages.

Originally Posted By: motor_oil_madman
Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
Maybe the OP doesn't have what a single woman with no kid(s) is looking for ?


I think many are looking for a guy who's already well established with a good paying job and a nice house, neither of which I have. Many just go back to finding another guy like the one who got them pregnant and left them in the first place it seems. I did meet a girl once who had the sweetest 4 year old little girl, but she was dating a guy already.

 

[Lolvoguy]

Originally Posted By: CT8
Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
Motor_oil-madman,

Find a woman with a personality you like. If she has a child then date her and see what happens.

You are looking at this if she is a used car with 150K miles...

Probably. Driven hard and put away pregnant

 

[DoubleWasp]

There's also the matter of you being evaluated as a father well before that whole topic should ever come into play in a relationship.

What disturbs me the most about this situation is that you are clearly considering "settling" for a woman with kids because you feel you cannot find your preferred woman.

How is that relationship going to feel as time goes on? Knowing you're in a relationship with your second choice or last chance?

I agree with Java and Mr Nice. Be the best you can be, present the best you can be, and go after what you really want.

I honestly couldn't imagine being in a relationship with a person who has already had children. That is something I want to share as a new adventure with the person I will be with forever.

You will never have that with a woman with children. She already shared the experience of new motherhood with somebody else.

The best you can ever hope for is to follow up on somebody else's coat tails and add something to an existing situation. You will be forever denied the experience of building the whole thing together on your own.

For some people, this is not a big deal, but it might be for you.

Obviously you will also never have the opportunity to build a relationship that is exclusively between two people. Whatever goes on, the father and children will always be a factor.

Want to move somewhere else? She might not want to move the children away from the father. Might not want to uproot children.

Nice long vacation? Well, it's in the middle of the school year, and the children will be so sad without Mommy around.

You're not going to be dating a "woman with kids". You're going to be dating a family. You are going to have to operate within the confines of the necessities, rules, routines, etc. that were established before you ever came along. A lot of that will never change. Trying to change things may very well start a fight that you will lose. You are the outsider walking in.

 

[aquariuscsm]

My honest opinion and best advice is to never look for a relationship. If it happens it happens,if it doesn't it doesn't. You're in the best situation right now. Young,single,your whole life ahead of you. You have no drama,no baggage,no rules,you can do as you please. I've never been a cliche "relationship" kind've guy. I'm quite happy on my own. If I'm not in one I'm good,and if I'm in one I'm still good.

 

[wrcsixeight]

Interesting thread. Enjoying the responses.

I've dated one mother with a near teenage son, but she enjoyed belittling him too much, bringing up bad memories of my own childhood where a super insecure, man hating, war on testosterone type of mother, did that to me.

When I caught her in a major lie. It was over, but I had to be the [censored] so she would think it was her decision to end it. I liked her kid, could have been friends with him and felt worse about that.

There is a freshly divorced single mom recent arrival on my block, but, I am no provider. The physical attraction appears mutual, but I don't know how to work the friend's with benefits angle which is all I could really be good for.

I always seem to get stuck in the nice guy 'friend' zone.

 

[Silverado12]

My 2nd and current wife had a 7 year old boy when we first started dating. He's now grown, living on his own with t college degree and we just had our 16th anniversary back in January. We didn't have anymore children as I had one from a previous marriage. I would say a ready-made is the ideal situation for me, as I didn't do too well with infants. Once they were school age I had a lot of fun with them. Remember to treat all children with kindness as they can remember any kind of traumatic event that happens at a very young age) their whole life. Thank God we had well mannered kids where I didn't have to do a whole lot of disciplining. Just spend time with them when you can and they will appreciate that more than anything.

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp

I honestly couldn't imagine being in a relationship with a person who has already had children. That is something I want to share as a new adventure with the person I will be with forever.

You will never have that with a woman with children. She already shared the experience of new motherhood with somebody else.

The odds are less than 50/50 you will stay with that person. And you will never be someone's first choice (so don't feel smug about that). She will marry you (or me) bc she feels that its the best she can do (at the time).

I personally think you are idealising too much. (again just a personal opinion).

When you fall in love the past is irrelevant. The overwhelming number of women have done the dirty before you get hold of them..lol. What's the big deal?

If I were to lose my wife (at the age of 70)...She couldn't be replaced, but the new one on the scene could be enjoyed...lol.

 

[Turbo_Lemming]

I don't think I would mind being in a relationship with a woman with children, no matter how many. Sometimes people move on, and if the interest with you is real, then the past shouldn't matter.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Originally Posted By: Al

The odds are less than 50/50 you will stay with that person.


Speak for yourself. Those odds are calculated based on the entire population. I'm not going to go about living my life based on odds anyway.

Quote:
And you will never be someone's first choice (so don't feel smug about that). She will marry you (or me) bc she feels that its the best she can do (at the time).


1. I never said whatever it is you are talking about.

2. Speak for yourself.

Quote:
I personally think you are idealising too much. (again just a personal opinion).

When you fall in love the past is irrelevant. The overwhelming number of women have done the dirty before you get hold of them..lol. What's the big deal?

If I were to lose my wife (at the age of 70)...She couldn't be replaced, but the new one on the scene could be enjoyed...lol.


I'm lost. I wasn't talking about love or intercourse. I was talking about sharing the new experience of parenthood, and about not entering into relationships because you figure you can't find anyone you actually prefer.

If settling was the basis of your relationship, God Bless You. I'm glad it's working for you. But don't assume that the rest of us are doing the same thing, or have to go about it the same way.

My post was about potential situations, and a warning to consider them. You went a lot further to completely define all relationships for all people everywhere. If my post was hard to chew on, yours is flaming granite.

 

[Mr Nice]

Why isn't the OP happy with his current girlfriend ?

Maybe he feels his current employment isn't getting him the girl he wants... ?



DoubleWasp,

In life some people settle for whatever they can get....

 

[Quattro Pete]

Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
Why isn't the OP happy with his current girlfriend ?

Did he state that he has one?

 

[Mr Nice]

???

 

[Al]

Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp

Speak for yourself. Those odds are calculated based on the entire population. I'm not going to go about living my life based on odds anyway.

You may not..possibly..but remember there is "your" partner.

Quote:

1. I never said whatever it is you are talking about.

When a women dumps you you will be looking for your second or third choice. Of course "you" have never bee dumped.

I have been the dumpee and the dumper.I suppose you don't have that much experience yet

 

[Quattro Pete]

Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
???

What are you asking?

 

[Mr Nice]

I'm assuming he has a girlfriend.

Just like I assume her # 1 priority is her kid(s).

 

[Andrew1972]

If she's educated(past high school), intelligent and motivated no issue. If her plan is taking care of kids and expanding nope....

 

[Silverado12]

Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp

Speak for yourself. Those odds are calculated based on the entire population. I'm not going to go about living my life based on odds anyway.

You may not..possibly..but remember there is "your" partner.

Quote:

1. I never said whatever it is you are talking about.

When a women dumps you you will be looking for your second or third choice. Of course "you" have never bee dumped.

I have been the dumpee and the dumper.I suppose you don't have that much experience yet

I got dumped a lot 20 years ago as a truck driver living in a trailer park at the time. Was all I could afford, but the good side of that was
I never missed a child support pymt. My current wife saw the good side of me and overlooked the superficial stuff and we've been together ever since and married for 16 years. Raising "someone elses child" isn't as big a deal as some make it out to be. You just carry on as if he was your own and encourage him to see his biological father if he can/wants to. It's never going to be perfect, but a marriage is full of compromises. No one gets their way all the time. If you want that, better stay single.

 

[sleddriver]

Very interesting thread here.

I'll relate what a recently married-for-the-3rd-time friend told me. She has two or three kids, not sure. She said her main criteria were "Never been married and NO kids of his own." Yet she had and did.

I ended the last relationship I was in with an older woman. She had a son about 24. Completely unable to support himself. She herself was a PhD., and we'd known each other for quite awhile. However her 2nd marriage ended badly, SHE wound up paying instead of him, and was unable to deal with the bitterness and anger. Over time, all was revealed. Way too much drama & baggage for me.

When reflecting on my previous conversation, I thought culling out any divorced woman with kids, dating someone younger with similar interests, makes sense.

Her third husband met this criteria, yet if he held her beliefs, he'd of said no way jose. He married a family...not only does she have kids, but her kids do now as well. He's become enveloped in it and they regularly fight. Rather sad actually.

As for me, never married and father to no kids. I learned to be on my own a LONG time ago however when both parents died while I was quite young. Very different paradigm from what most grow up with.

People are complex. So are relationships between people. It's painful to witness innocent kids caught in the middle when the wheels come off and the whole thing winds up in the ditch. So much drama & trauma.

 

[The motor guy]

Originally Posted By: Quattro Pete
Originally Posted By: motor_oil_madman
I'm 26 and it seems harder and harder to not find a girl who hasn't gotten pregnant.

Stop looking for girls at your local walmart. Try online sites like eharmony where you can better control the "features" of your prospects.


Eharmony is a joke. They should be sued for fraud. I tried it and even with my narrowing my search criteria to less than 50 miles. (The closest it would allow)it still had me searching for people who were 2 hours away. Plus 90 percent of the profiles were active over a month ago, which basically means they aren't using the site anymore. I seriously think that site keeps your profile up even after you've deleted it.

 

[The motor guy]

Originally Posted By: sleddriver
Very interesting thread here.

I'll relate what a recently married-for-the-3rd-time friend told me. She has two or three kids, not sure. She said her main criteria were "Never been married and NO kids of his own." Yet she had and did.

I ended the last relationship I was in with an older woman. She had a son about 24. Completely unable to support himself. She herself was a PhD., and we'd known each other for quite awhile. However her 2nd marriage ended badly, SHE wound up paying instead of him, and was unable to deal with the bitterness and anger. Over time, all was revealed. Way too much drama & baggage for me.

When reflecting on my previous conversation, I thought culling out any divorced woman with kids, dating someone younger with similar interests, makes sense.

Her third husband met this criteria, yet if he held her beliefs, he'd of said no way jose. He married a family...not only does she have kids, but her kids do now as well. He's become enveloped in it and they regularly fight. Rather sad actually.

As for me, never married and father to no kids. I learned to be on my own a LONG time ago however when both parents died while I was quite young. Very different paradigm from what most grow up with.

People are complex. So are relationships between people. It's painful to witness innocent kids caught in the middle when the wheels come off and the whole thing winds up in the ditch. So much drama & trauma.


My mom passed away in 2013. Things kind of got put on hold for a couple years while she was ill. Actually about 1.5 years, but it takes a little healing before you can just jump right back into life if that makes sense, so I'm a little behind career wise.