Broke up with girlfriend...

[andrewg]

I made it half way through these posts before I felt like I was reading a dang Hallmark card.
I don't like to mince words.....so I won't. You should have had the guts to dump her before it got to this. She has more than one father to these kids? Are you serious? Do I need to tell you what that generally makes her? No....it's not the kids fault, but it certainly should have given you a HUGE red light when you first found out about it. One person on here mentions 'respect' for her. I had to laugh at that one....sorry.
Sounds like she was trying to latch onto you for obvious reasons. Financially, emotionally, and parentally.....all in only FOUR months? I see nothing but danger in this woman for you. Pain, stress, hardship, and strife. Trust some of us on this board and stay away from her. Don't you deserve your own family and a rich relationship based on good, solid choices? Or do you see yourself as some sort of rescue type? Trust me....being one of those types will ruin you. Time to take a look in the mirror and think long and hard about what you want in a relationship. Marriage? Your OWN kids? And how much baggage do you want to deal with? Starting out in a relationship with as clean a slate as possible is FAR better than what you have here.
Don't you deserve something better?

 

[Mykl]

Originally Posted By: andrewg
I don't like to mince words.....so I won't. You should have had the guts to dump her before it got to this. She has more than one father to these kids? Are you serious?


...or you could just not date her in the first place if that's your personal preference. But some people like or don't mind kids, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[jrustles]

I agree with you seriously dodging a bullet, wolfy.

You would have been the third father to her third child, while she looked for a fourth of both.

 

[SatinSilver]

Would have a been a busy house on fathers day. May have needed a traffic cop out front. I'd install some parking meters out front.

 

[MolaKule]

Quote:
What is her true intent ?



What is YOUR true intent and does she know your plans?

 

[Andy636]

Originally Posted By: satinsilver
Would have a been a busy house on fathers day. May have needed a traffic cop out front. I'd install some parking meters out front.


Dude, I almost choke with my tea when I read this. Brilliant

 

[wolf_06]

The first father dont bother wit hher daugher, so she as no dad.

The other one cheated on her, so she dumped him.
And I never dated a girl in this situation, i doesnt make her a bad person.

She knows I need time and its wayyy too fast, but she didnt let me take the time to know her.

 

[CurtisB]

Although I would never have imagined myself giving relationship advice period, nor on BITOG of all places this situation is a mirror image of my brother-in-law's situation.

He started dating a woman with two kids by two different fathers. He got her pregnant. She somehow convinced him to buy a $50,000 Chevy Silverado that he can barely afford, because they need a larger vehicle for their three kids etc. They broke up and he now pays child support, she also uses his daughter as a bargaining chip.

For the love of god man, run. If someday I am blessed with a son of my own, and he finds himself in this very situation, I would jump on the grenade myself before it explodes.

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: andrewg
Don't you deserve your own family and a rich relationship based on good, solid choices? Or do you see yourself as some sort of rescue type? Trust me....being one of those types will ruin you. Time to take a look in the mirror and think long and hard about what you want in a relationship. Marriage? Your OWN kids? And how much baggage do you want to deal with? Starting out in a relationship with as clean a slate as possible is FAR better than what you have here.
Don't you deserve something better?


Right! OP..... There you go...... ^^^^^

 

[supton]

Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Originally Posted By: Propflux01
How long you date her?


I have been dating her for 4 months now, and it felt like a couple almost allready.

One of the kids ask me if I wanted to be her step father, man I didnt know what to answer.

We didnt live together, but I think I made the right decision because deep down I wasnt comfortable going that fast.

And she had two kids with two diffrents dads.


Tough one to call, since I don't know you and know even less of her. Lots of good comments, nothing I can really add there, other than dead beat dads and divorce (and lousy parents in general) suck for all involved. Sucks for those who have to watch too.

Something that sticks out to me though is the daughters comment. If she was prodded into it by her mother than you're right to flee. OTOH if it was something that she came up with on her own, well, my heart breaks for kids who have to deal with the consequences of their parents.

 

[surfstar]

Originally Posted By: wolf_06
The first father dont bother wit hher daugher, so she as no dad.

The other one cheated on her, so she dumped him.
And I never dated a girl in this situation, i doesnt make her a bad person.

She knows I need time and its wayyy too fast, but she didnt let me take the time to know her.



We're not saying she's a bad person. Bad decisions maybe...
But for YOU - this is the best decision. Don't become part of her pattern!

DON'T LOOK BACK!

 

[javacontour]

Exactly what I was thinking.

One can be a "good person" and still be a liability as a partner.

Originally Posted By: surfstar
Originally Posted By: wolf_06
The first father dont bother wit hher daugher, so she as no dad.

The other one cheated on her, so she dumped him.
And I never dated a girl in this situation, i doesnt make her a bad person.

She knows I need time and its wayyy too fast, but she didnt let me take the time to know her.



We're not saying she's a bad person. Bad decisions maybe...
But for YOU - this is the best decision. Don't become part of her pattern!

DON'T LOOK BACK!

 

[Cujet]

Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Hi guys,

I was dating this girl, she had two kids and they are adorable.
She wanted me to part of her family, but I wanted to take my time because I have been hurt in the past.

But I guess I wasnt fast enough for her, I just choked, Its hard to be a father figure of two kids that are not mine, but I like the girl, she should respect the fact that I want to take it easy.

Any of you had the same situation?


Best thing that could have happened to you. Trust me on that one. If she does not understand your point of view on this matter, she won't respect your opinion on lesser matters either. The result is a lifetime of unhappiness.

You just won the lottery. You must be living right because what ever you believe in (God, fate, universal karma, whatever) just took a BIG-TIME liking to you!

FYI, in another way, I just won the lottery too! I recognize fate for what it is. Sometime life shines wonderfully on you and it takes a bit of brains to see just how fortunate we were in these matters. I'm here talking to you because of that "fate".

 

[expat]

She has shown poor judgment in the past, (or been a real 'witch' and driven her MEN away)
and now she shows poor judgment in asking YOU to commit to her (and her family) when you feel you may not be ready.

What the heck.
I bet you'll just down a Six Pack, then phone her up and propose.
If you don't already see the 'writing on the wall' I doubt 6 pages of DON'T DO IT! posts will help you.

 

[The_Eric]

I agree with the general sentiment of this thread. If you weren't ready, then it's best that you did what you did. For a marriage to work, you need to be happy and secure. If you weren't when she asked, then you'd be setting yourself for disaster later.



Originally Posted By: Schmoe
4 MONTHS???? Run to the hills my friend!!!1 Be glad you got out when you did before you invested too much emotionally and financially. The kid asking you to be a step dad would have been enough to make RUN screaming!!!! Just on time alone, 4 months is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too short in a single/no kids involved relationship. Love can work on you in many ways...I mean the fact that she wanted to speed things are should have sent your spidey senses on alert. You are the man, you are the one whom should be doing the asking. This is wrong on soooo many levels I don't even know where to start. You did good. Get over it and move on.


Oh brother... I suppose you think that women still belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant? How about women's suffrage? Would you be happier to club one over the head and drag her back to the cave?

Women are our equals and thusly have the right to ask a man to marry just as much as we have the right to ask them.

edit: Please Schmoe, tell me that I misread/misinterpreted your post. After looking at it again, I can see how I could have.

 

[Pop_Rivit]

There are simply too many unknowns on both sides to make a judgment on a discussion forum, for or against either party involved.

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
Just on time alone, 4 months is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too short in a single/no kids involved relationship.


That's a load of nonsense. Every relationship is different and has different dynamics. My wife and I knew we were going to be married and spend the rest of our lives together after our first month of friendship. That was about 41 years ago and we're still very happily married.

I know of several couples who married after a brief courtship, and have spent decades together, including my parents who were married after two weeks after they met.

They've been married 72 years.

 

[Mr_Incredible]

I stepped into a single child mother household.

Being a stepdad is great right up to the point where you have to do the first big NO, then it gets tough. You have to learn compromise skills.

But it worked out great for me and we are very happy.

 

[Mykl]

Originally Posted By: The_Eric
edit: Please Schmoe, tell me that I misread/misinterpreted your post. After looking at it again, I can see how I could have.


I think what he's getting at is that there are still certain societal expectations and pressures that exist. I don't think it's sexist to make light of them.

 

[Schmoe]

Pop and Eric....you guys are living in Gondwana land....lost touch with reality. Barefoot and pregnant??? WTH did that come from? Geesh....I think your putting wayyyyyyy too much into what I said. I speak from copious amounts of experience with 5 step mothers and former marriage myself and from TNTC friends and were in this exact situation. Take off the rose colored glasses and get in touch with reality. Have you read the last 3 pages? Lots of us hear are on the same wavelength. The man is THE one whom has the responsibility of taking care of her, taking care of the house, the car (to include OIL CHANGES!!!), keep stability in the home and to some extent, financially responsible. Is that old school? Maybe...the only thing that has changed recently is finances...women are now making a good standard of living too...and I got NO problem with that. If I can get my arshe up at 0530 and make a living, then by all means, women can do the same thing. Mo' Money!!! A lot of men, myself included, do take care of cooking, kids, laundry etc. etc.
Pop....happy to hear that you've been married that long, congratulations...however....the OP has two kids involved....did your wife have two children from pervious relationships from two different fathers? Based on your married years, your BITOG name starting with "pop"...I'm going to assume your probably post 60 in age?? It that correct? DIFFERENT time back then. I mean, astronomically different. Mindsets are different.
Is there such thing as love in first sight....yes. It appears that poprivit has proven that and we all probably know a couple or two that can prove that as well. With that in mind, what are the percentages of that situation when two children are involved? I'm sorry, it changes everything. Now, let's continue with love at first site....in the OP's case, this isn't, obvioulsy, the case or he wouldn't have posted seeking our input. Four months later, he is showing doubt, just 4 months. What would 1 year be like? With two kids, there is just not enough time to work on a relationship. It's more methodical than natural in this circumstance. Marriages and love take time to build the foundation. You can't build a house without a fondation.

 

[andrewg]

Originally Posted By: Schmoe
Pop and Eric....you guys are living in Gondwana land....lost touch with reality. Barefoot and pregnant??? WTH did that come from? Geesh....I think your putting wayyyyyyy too much into what I said. I speak from copious amounts of experience with 5 step mothers and former marriage myself and from TNTC friends and were in this exact situation. Take off the rose colored glasses and get in touch with reality. Have you read the last 3 pages? Lots of us hear are on the same wavelength. The man is THE one whom has the responsibility of taking care of her, taking care of the house, the car (to include OIL CHANGES!!!), keep stability in the home and to some extent, financially responsible. Is that old school? Maybe...the only thing that has changed recently is finances...women are now making a good standard of living too...and I got NO problem with that. If I can get my arshe up at 0530 and make a living, then by all means, women can do the same thing. Mo' Money!!! A lot of men, myself included, do take care of cooking, kids, laundry etc. etc.
Pop....happy to hear that you've been married that long, congratulations...however....the OP has two kids involved....did your wife have two children from pervious relationships from two different fathers? Based on your married years, your BITOG name starting with "pop"...I'm going to assume your probably post 60 in age?? It that correct? DIFFERENT time back then. I mean, astronomically different. Mindsets are different.
Is there such thing as love in first sight....yes. It appears that poprivit has proven that and we all probably know a couple or two that can prove that as well. With that in mind, what are the percentages of that situation when two children are involved? I'm sorry, it changes everything. Now, let's continue with love at first site....in the OP's case, this isn't, obvioulsy, the case or he wouldn't have posted seeking our input. Four months later, he is showing doubt, just 4 months. What would 1 year be like? With two kids, there is just not enough time to work on a relationship. It's more methodical than natural in this circumstance. Marriages and love take time to build the foundation. You can't build a house without a fondation.


Thank you Schmoe! You just saved me from posting almost the exact same reply to those two. Listening to them will surely land this guy a life of depression and hardship....emotionally and otherwise. This 'new' male attitude where you hang your testicles on hook and pretend males and females don't have different roles to fulfill is just plain foolish. Commons sense and reason should prevail in making a decision that will change the ENTIRE rest of your life. The OP had really better pay close attention to what the majority of level headed folks have been posting.
Reality isn't always a pleasant place to be....but it's REAL....and to not understand that is complete folly.