Broke up with girlfriend...

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wolf_06

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Jun 11, 2012
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Atlantic, Canada
Hi guys,

I was dating this girl, she had two kids and they are adorable.
She wanted me to part of her family, but I wanted to take my time because I have been hurt in the past.

But I guess I wasnt fast enough for her, I just choked, Its hard to be a father figure of two kids that are not mine, but I like the girl, she should respect the fact that I want to take it easy.

Any of you had the same situation?
 
Nope.

The question becomes what is her true intent? Are the kids all from the same father? Do they get any support? Does she want you involved from a father figure POV, or from a pay the bills POV?

I love kids, and I love other peoples' kids. At least for now since we all habe babies to two year olds in my group of friends... But I can only imagine the pain if the kids get wise and do the "youre not my father" kind of argument if you ever tried to discipline them. So to some extent age and how they feel about you is an important consideration too, Id think.
 
You need to take a reasonable amount of time to get to know her and figure out if you are compatible. Thats more than a month but less than 10 years. Why was she in a hurry to have a permanent relationship? Was she married before? Does she need someone to support her financially? Be a father figure to the kids?
 
Not to get personal but how long were you with this girl? Were you living together?
How did her kids react to you? How old are they?

The bottom line is..
If she gave you the heave ho then there isn't a whole lot you can do about it but move on.
You can talk to her about it (if she wants) but whatever you do don't crawl, call all the time and make a PITA of yourself.
Its a bad enough situation as it is without looking like some sort of love sick puppy or worse a stalker.

Whatever you do DO NOT initiate contact with her kids unless they make it clear they want contact and she agrees. You don't need to go there. Schwedische Gardinen could be right around the corner.
 
Originally Posted By: Propflux01
How long you date her?


I have been dating her for 4 months now, and it felt like a couple almost allready.

One of the kids ask me if I wanted to be her step father, man I didnt know what to answer.

We didnt live together, but I think I made the right decision because deep down I wasnt comfortable going that fast.

And she had two kids with two diffrents dads.
 
Sorry to hear that, but you're not alone. Met a girl who was just a little too eager to get hitched, and didn't respect that I was being cautious. I knew someone for over 2 years before we married, and after 9 months she called it quits. Didn't seem to understand why I wasn't in a hurry to get hitched again after dating for 2 months. It soon became clear she was just digging for gold and looking for someone to sire her children. No thanks!

It would help to know how long you were dating, but unless we're talking years, then you have every right to be cautious. Marriage isn't like signing up for cell phone service with a small fee for early termination. It's work, it's a commitment, and it's not always going to be smooth sailing. Divorce is an ugly, sobering, heartbreaking, and EXPENSIVE experience.
 
Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Originally Posted By: Propflux01
How long you date her?


I have been dating her for 4 months now, and it felt like a couple almost allready.

One of the kids ask me if I wanted to be her step father, man I didnt know what to answer.

We didnt live together, but I think I made the right decision because deep down I wasnt comfortable going that fast.

And she had two kids with two diffrents dads.


This forum is great, I can express myslef and have diffrent opinions on life and stuff.
 
4 MONTHS???? Run to the hills my friend!!!1 Be glad you got out when you did before you invested too much emotionally and financially. The kid asking you to be a step dad would have been enough to make RUN screaming!!!! Just on time alone, 4 months is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too short in a single/no kids involved relationship. Love can work on you in many ways...I mean the fact that she wanted to speed things are should have sent your spidey senses on alert. You are the man, you are the one whom should be doing the asking. This is wrong on soooo many levels I don't even know where to start. You did good. Get over it and move on.
 
Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Hi guys,

I was dating this girl, she had two kids and they are adorable.
She wanted me to part of her family, but I wanted to take my time because I have been hurt in the past.

But I guess I wasnt fast enough for her, I just choked, Its hard to be a father figure of two kids that are not mine, but I like the girl, she should respect the fact that I want to take it easy.

Any of you had the same situation?


No. Her situation deserves the respect and not yours mainly because she is the one with kids and those should be the #1 priority for any parent. If she feels waiting for you is not what is best, you need to respect that.
 
Never been in your shoes, but I would never want to be rushed into things like this. It sounds like you did the right thing by breaking it off.
 
I'd have to agree with Schmoe, 4 months is hardly enough time to have a solid foundation for marriage, especially with kids. You were right not to be rushed into it, no matter how crazy you are for each other.
 
Wolf, I think there has been a lot of good advice given. The thing is (and this is what makes it so difficult) is not to let your emotions for the kids get to much in the way. Sometimes these girls know how to use their kids for an advantage where as before it was a disadvantage to them. Sh@#, I fell in love with one chicks cat (im not even a cat person) more than I think I loved her so I can only imagine what you are going through.

My girlfriend right now of one year and she has a 5 y/o daughter. I totally respect my girl for being very slow and patient with me because she is mature enough to know what a big thing that is. I would go with the flow, if this woman is too pushy there is something wrong, she should be wary of you too being a mother (no offense and I respect my girl for getting to know me and make me earn her trust).
God may be looking out for you Wolf, it is just going to be hard to get through. Don't drag it out. Good luck!
 
Originally Posted By: badtlc
Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Hi guys,

I was dating this girl, she had two kids and they are adorable.
She wanted me to part of her family, but I wanted to take my time because I have been hurt in the past.

But I guess I wasnt fast enough for her, I just choked, Its hard to be a father figure of two kids that are not mine, but I like the girl, she should respect the fact that I want to take it easy.

Any of you had the same situation?


No. Her situation deserves the respect and not yours mainly because she is the one with kids and those should be the #1 priority for any parent. If she feels waiting for you is not what is best, you need to respect that.


I agree 100%, but the kids started to like me, and its better now than too late and hurt them more, as well as her and myself. Her kids are great and I know they are the priorities for her, and I agree with that.
 
Originally Posted By: badtlc
Originally Posted By: wolf_06
Hi guys,

I was dating this girl, she had two kids and they are adorable.
She wanted me to part of her family, but I wanted to take my time because I have been hurt in the past.

But I guess I wasnt fast enough for her, I just choked, Its hard to be a father figure of two kids that are not mine, but I like the girl, she should respect the fact that I want to take it easy.

Any of you had the same situation?


No. Her situation deserves the respect and not yours mainly because she is the one with kids and those should be the #1 priority for any parent. If she feels waiting for you is not what is best, you need to respect that.


Yes, kids should be #1 priority to the mom. I know some will get all upset over this, but IMO having two kids with two fathers and then pushing another guy into a committed relationship is a sign of a character flaw on the woman's part. I dont know her whole story, but it does not generally bode well for round three.

If she is just looking for a bill payer, it is not good for the OP. If she truly respected him and wanted to create a stable, long term relationship, then she would be somewhat understanding. I have the greatest fear that she was using the kids as a pawn to draw the OP in...
 
I won't judge the lady without knowing her. Long relationships end up with kids getting attached and then a breakup is TERRIBLE for the kids. I don't blame a mom at all for looking for a long term relationship and being very blunt about it. Guys are flaky when it comes to commitment and she doesn't have time for that. Kids tend to do better with a father figure and having two parents makes everyone's life easier. I couldn't imagine raising one, let alone 2 kids by yourself. It is hard enough raising one kid with two parents.

So while guys might say that is too fast and jump to the conclusion she has ulterior motives, there are plenty of good reasons for not wasting time with a guy who doesn't appear comfortable with the thought of long term.
 
I always had a difficult time dating women with kids because I really like kids. So that would cloud my feelings for the woman and make it difficult to separate her from them.

But, like everyone else said, this has worked out for the best. Four months just isn't a realistic time period to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. My wife and I were together for a year and a couple of months before we got married and I would argue that typically that's too fast.

I can appreciate her enthusiastic desire for security for herself and her children, but if I could lend her some advice it would be that she's pushing the quality guys away by trying to lock them down so fast.
 
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