advice on divorce.
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Originally Posted By: Mykl
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Or maybe I have SEEN what a vengeful woman can do! My uncle's divorce cost him north of $250,000. My cousin's wife drove him to suicide.
What's the other side of the story? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your cousin was possibly guilty of what he was accused of?
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
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Of that $250,000 how much of it was legally hers to begin with? Why was it such a messy divorce? It takes two to tango and it's more likely than not that your uncle can share a fair portion of the blame for how things ended up.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
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It is totally possible that both of your family members just got unlucky and missed all the warning signs that were probably right in front of them when they chose to marry these women. It's fair to see how those situations played out and learn some lessons from it. But the lesson isn't "all women are capable of being evil." How would you respond to a woman who said she didn't trust and went so far as to dehumanize you because you were a man and were capable of raping her? After all, you are far, far, far more likely to encounter an actual rapist than a woman who has falsely accused a
The lesson you should be taking away is that you need to be looking for signs of "crazy" before you get intimately involved with someone. Normal, sane people (yes, women included) don't just wake up one morning and decide to go nuclear on their spouse. If they aren't normal or sane, and are capable of that, there will be signs of it. If the woman is normal and sane and she goes nuclear it's probably because YOU did something to provoke it.
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Or maybe I have SEEN what a vengeful woman can do! My uncle's divorce cost him north of $250,000. My cousin's wife drove him to suicide.
What's the other side of the story? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe your cousin was possibly guilty of what he was accused of?
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Quote:
Of that $250,000 how much of it was legally hers to begin with? Why was it such a messy divorce? It takes two to tango and it's more likely than not that your uncle can share a fair portion of the blame for how things ended up.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Quote:
It is totally possible that both of your family members just got unlucky and missed all the warning signs that were probably right in front of them when they chose to marry these women. It's fair to see how those situations played out and learn some lessons from it. But the lesson isn't "all women are capable of being evil." How would you respond to a woman who said she didn't trust and went so far as to dehumanize you because you were a man and were capable of raping her? After all, you are far, far, far more likely to encounter an actual rapist than a woman who has falsely accused a
The lesson you should be taking away is that you need to be looking for signs of "crazy" before you get intimately involved with someone. Normal, sane people (yes, women included) don't just wake up one morning and decide to go nuclear on their spouse. If they aren't normal or sane, and are capable of that, there will be signs of it. If the woman is normal and sane and she goes nuclear it's probably because YOU did something to provoke it.
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
Originally Posted By: Mykl
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
Truth. While many can be crazy, it also applies to males too.
My older brother who was terribly abusive to me as a kid, went on to father some kids. He made me feel like I was the cause for what he did to me.
Fast forward 15 years, and his wife took off with the kids. we all blamed her for taking the kids and ditching him, so obviously we (his family) blamed her...initially.
Then I started wondering...what did HE do? Sure enough, when I finally got to talk to her, she confided in me how he acted and treated the kids and her. I hated to say it, but it's exactly how he treated me as kids, as well as how he behaved at home growing up
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
Truth. While many can be crazy, it also applies to males too.
My older brother who was terribly abusive to me as a kid, went on to father some kids. He made me feel like I was the cause for what he did to me.
Fast forward 15 years, and his wife took off with the kids. we all blamed her for taking the kids and ditching him, so obviously we (his family) blamed her...initially.
Then I started wondering...what did HE do? Sure enough, when I finally got to talk to her, she confided in me how he acted and treated the kids and her. I hated to say it, but it's exactly how he treated me as kids, as well as how he behaved at home growing up
Originally Posted By: Lolvoguy
Truth. While many can be crazy, it also applies to males too.
My older brother who was terribly abusive to me as a kid, went on to father some kids. He made me feel like I was the cause for what he did to me.
Fast forward 15 years, and his wife took off with the kids. we all blamed her for taking the kids and ditching him, so obviously we (his family) blamed her...initially.
Then I started wondering...what did HE do? Sure enough, when I finally got to talk to her, she confided in me how he acted and treated the kids and her. I hated to say it, but it's exactly how he treated me as kids, as well as how he behaved at home growing up
Another story to highlight the fact that it's important to have both sides of the story in a divorce....
A buddy of mine was deployed to the middle east when a close friend of his basically moved into his house with his wife. The man who moved in even had a wife and kids of his own (would it be reasonable for a woman to believe that all men are capable of doing this to them)?
Pretty clear cut case, right?
Not so clear cut. As it turns out he was like your brother, except he directed that abuse towards his wife. It wasn't something I noticed until someone pointed it out to me.
Was the wife wrong? Absolutely. But that does not excuse HIS actions. She may have acted inappropriately to the situation, and had she been a wiser, more mature person she probably would have sought counseling. But all of that does not absolve him of his sins in that relationship.
Truth. While many can be crazy, it also applies to males too.
My older brother who was terribly abusive to me as a kid, went on to father some kids. He made me feel like I was the cause for what he did to me.
Fast forward 15 years, and his wife took off with the kids. we all blamed her for taking the kids and ditching him, so obviously we (his family) blamed her...initially.
Then I started wondering...what did HE do? Sure enough, when I finally got to talk to her, she confided in me how he acted and treated the kids and her. I hated to say it, but it's exactly how he treated me as kids, as well as how he behaved at home growing up
Another story to highlight the fact that it's important to have both sides of the story in a divorce....
A buddy of mine was deployed to the middle east when a close friend of his basically moved into his house with his wife. The man who moved in even had a wife and kids of his own (would it be reasonable for a woman to believe that all men are capable of doing this to them)?
Pretty clear cut case, right?
Not so clear cut. As it turns out he was like your brother, except he directed that abuse towards his wife. It wasn't something I noticed until someone pointed it out to me.
Was the wife wrong? Absolutely. But that does not excuse HIS actions. She may have acted inappropriately to the situation, and had she been a wiser, more mature person she probably would have sought counseling. But all of that does not absolve him of his sins in that relationship.
OVERKILL
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Originally Posted By: Mykl
^ that worked for me too. I lived with my wife for just over a year before we got married.
She's the same exact person now as she's ever been.
I've known my wife since I was 18. We got married 7 years ago and I am 34. Figure I know her pretty well
^ that worked for me too. I lived with my wife for just over a year before we got married.
She's the same exact person now as she's ever been.
I've known my wife since I was 18. We got married 7 years ago and I am 34. Figure I know her pretty well
Originally Posted By: Mykl
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
Time to launch that hanging curveball: I have been happily married for 18 years.
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
No. He did not molest his daughter. his wife made the whole thing up. End result: he washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of JD.
Practically none. She barely worked, he caught her cheating on him.(He LITERALLY walked in on her!)
Plenty of psychos seem fine...until they're not.
Alright well... good luck with life. I hope you some day figure out how to accept women into your life without worrying about all the things they could do to you simply because they have a baby-oven and a beating heart.
Time to launch that hanging curveball: I have been happily married for 18 years.
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Time to launch that hanging curveball: I have been happily married for 18 years.
Then I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish by encouraging other guys to always be untrustworthy of all women.
Clearly the right message is not "OMG MARRIAGE IS SO AWESOME EVERYBODY SHOULD DO IT AS FAST AS THEY COULD!!!" But the right message is also not the exact opposite extreme, where any woman on the planet is capable of completely ruining you for no reason at all.
I feel like if you were being honest with everyone you'd come out with a more balanced message. Maybe one that made it clear that if you're not careful with one of the biggest life choices you'll ever make, that it could end in disaster, but if you get it right it can be the best decision you ever make? That seems like a more reasonable summary.
Time to launch that hanging curveball: I have been happily married for 18 years.
Then I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish by encouraging other guys to always be untrustworthy of all women.
Clearly the right message is not "OMG MARRIAGE IS SO AWESOME EVERYBODY SHOULD DO IT AS FAST AS THEY COULD!!!" But the right message is also not the exact opposite extreme, where any woman on the planet is capable of completely ruining you for no reason at all.
I feel like if you were being honest with everyone you'd come out with a more balanced message. Maybe one that made it clear that if you're not careful with one of the biggest life choices you'll ever make, that it could end in disaster, but if you get it right it can be the best decision you ever make? That seems like a more reasonable summary.
Men HAVE to be careful when getting married because they are the ones who 99.9% of the time will get screwed over ROYALLY in the divorce. The legal system is setup to favor the woman in almost every circumstance. You never know about a woman until you marry her. Once that ring is on the finger you are at the court's and her mercy.
For many men the risk is not worth it because as Jaraxle said many women seem normal until after the marriage. The problem is once you are married it is too late to defend yourself against a psycho/gold digger/vindictive nut job/etc.... Every man should be well aware of the situation he is getting into. The message here is NOT don't ever get married but rather be darned sure before saying I do and also know what to do if you still made a mistake. You need to move fast if you are to save yourself in a divorce.
I actually supported my best friend's marriage to his ex as did his other friends and his family. She sure fooled us all. She had a plan to marry him and then take him for all he was worth( considerable amount ). My friend fought for 3+ years to save himself and his kids to no avail against a corrupt and biased divorce system so in favor of the woman it is not funny. He finally ran out of money and lost his lawyer and then it really got bad.
He has been my best friend since 1st grade. He was an ideal Dad and husband and did NOTHING wrong to deserve what happened to him. And yes I know that and no the other side isn't that he was a brute. She was a gold digger( admitted )who used every dirty trick in the book to take him for everything. She cheated on him, she abused the kids, and yet she got everything. Don't tell me about the other side. He was so screwed over by the ex and the corrupt legal system that he is now in hiding somewhere to avoid being sent to jail. I haven't seen him or heard from him in a year+. It sickens me. His case is not the 1st like that I have seen.
Seeing what "could" happen tends to make folks open their eyes to the risks. When people ask about it those of us who have seen it want to try and arm them with info that literally can save their life. Anyone who doubts that these things happen and that a man should not exercise extreme caution before marriage has never been through/seen what a divorce in this country is like or is blind.
I am glad for those in this thread who have happy marriages. My parents had a very happy marriage as did my Grandparents. my Siblings and friends though is a different story. More divorces and ruined lives than happiness. Divorces ending in someone's life being ruined( usually the man )are becoming more and more common and just because your marriage works doesn't mean others will. Men today need to realize they are a target and that the court is not unbiased nor will it follow the law in a divorce.
Again, if you think I am wrong or paranoid you are clueless.
For many men the risk is not worth it because as Jaraxle said many women seem normal until after the marriage. The problem is once you are married it is too late to defend yourself against a psycho/gold digger/vindictive nut job/etc.... Every man should be well aware of the situation he is getting into. The message here is NOT don't ever get married but rather be darned sure before saying I do and also know what to do if you still made a mistake. You need to move fast if you are to save yourself in a divorce.
I actually supported my best friend's marriage to his ex as did his other friends and his family. She sure fooled us all. She had a plan to marry him and then take him for all he was worth( considerable amount ). My friend fought for 3+ years to save himself and his kids to no avail against a corrupt and biased divorce system so in favor of the woman it is not funny. He finally ran out of money and lost his lawyer and then it really got bad.
He has been my best friend since 1st grade. He was an ideal Dad and husband and did NOTHING wrong to deserve what happened to him. And yes I know that and no the other side isn't that he was a brute. She was a gold digger( admitted )who used every dirty trick in the book to take him for everything. She cheated on him, she abused the kids, and yet she got everything. Don't tell me about the other side. He was so screwed over by the ex and the corrupt legal system that he is now in hiding somewhere to avoid being sent to jail. I haven't seen him or heard from him in a year+. It sickens me. His case is not the 1st like that I have seen.
Seeing what "could" happen tends to make folks open their eyes to the risks. When people ask about it those of us who have seen it want to try and arm them with info that literally can save their life. Anyone who doubts that these things happen and that a man should not exercise extreme caution before marriage has never been through/seen what a divorce in this country is like or is blind.
I am glad for those in this thread who have happy marriages. My parents had a very happy marriage as did my Grandparents. my Siblings and friends though is a different story. More divorces and ruined lives than happiness. Divorces ending in someone's life being ruined( usually the man )are becoming more and more common and just because your marriage works doesn't mean others will. Men today need to realize they are a target and that the court is not unbiased nor will it follow the law in a divorce.
Again, if you think I am wrong or paranoid you are clueless.
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The problem is with the system. Men and women are equally capible of being messed up knuckleheads. Women simply have more opportunity because the legal system currently has a bias in it.
My ex-wife had an affair.
Why does the system give the child to the cheating spouse just because she was the stay-at-home mom?
We did away with divorce for cause (thanks CA Govenor, Ronald Reagan.) So now, marital misconduct doesn't matter in a divorce when it comes to custody or division of property.
So guys (and gals, but mostly guys) who are betrayed, or their wives simply no longer wish to be with them, are screwed in court. They likely lose their kids, have to pay child support and if the marriage was longer term, they may pay spousal support also. Plus, if the marriage was at least 10 years, they could potentially collect on your social security. (Wonder why SS is going broke? Ex-spouses potentially claiming, and I don't think more claiming reduces what others get!)
I have a simple solution, if you want a "no fault divorce" then it's just that, no fault. If you want out, you are leaving your spouse. You can take a suitcase full of your personal items and your share of the debt. That's it. You don't get primary custody of the children, you don't get a split of marital assets, and you have to pay off your income based percentage of the debt.
So if you want to go, you are free to go. But you don't get to take the property with you. After all, if you are breaking your vow, why should you get to take property and the kids?
If there is actual marital misconduct, you prove it and the spouse who is guilty of the misconduct gets ejected under the same terms.
Misconduct would include infidelity, abuse, addiction, and perhaps other, well defined and provable behaviors.
Today, all it takes if for one person to say "I quit" and if it's a woman, she likely gets the sympathy of the court, even if she's the one engaged in the misconduct.
My ex-wife had an affair.
Why does the system give the child to the cheating spouse just because she was the stay-at-home mom?
We did away with divorce for cause (thanks CA Govenor, Ronald Reagan.) So now, marital misconduct doesn't matter in a divorce when it comes to custody or division of property.
So guys (and gals, but mostly guys) who are betrayed, or their wives simply no longer wish to be with them, are screwed in court. They likely lose their kids, have to pay child support and if the marriage was longer term, they may pay spousal support also. Plus, if the marriage was at least 10 years, they could potentially collect on your social security. (Wonder why SS is going broke? Ex-spouses potentially claiming, and I don't think more claiming reduces what others get!)
I have a simple solution, if you want a "no fault divorce" then it's just that, no fault. If you want out, you are leaving your spouse. You can take a suitcase full of your personal items and your share of the debt. That's it. You don't get primary custody of the children, you don't get a split of marital assets, and you have to pay off your income based percentage of the debt.
So if you want to go, you are free to go. But you don't get to take the property with you. After all, if you are breaking your vow, why should you get to take property and the kids?
If there is actual marital misconduct, you prove it and the spouse who is guilty of the misconduct gets ejected under the same terms.
Misconduct would include infidelity, abuse, addiction, and perhaps other, well defined and provable behaviors.
Today, all it takes if for one person to say "I quit" and if it's a woman, she likely gets the sympathy of the court, even if she's the one engaged in the misconduct.
My first long term girlfriend was 4 years older than me. I was 18,she was 22. She loved to fight physically and after 4 years I couldn't take it and left.
She married her next boyfriend.
Prior to marriage they won 80000 in the lottery,bought a house,blah blah blah.
Well she was a slut. Screwing everything with a pulse. He finally gets turned of it and starts making divorce preparations.
She has an Internet boyfriend at the time. They hatch a plan to live happily ever after.
I already mentioned her love of throwing fists right. So they both like beating each other up.
She picks a tight,throws some punches then calls 911 as he freaks out,and the operator records the tantrum.
He then gets arrested,removed from the home and cannot see his son anymore unless its supervised and us now fighting a domestic assault beef.
As soon as she knows he cannot set foot in the home she moves her internet boyfriend in from Ontario.
He won the lottery by the way. He bought the house prior to marriage,but got thrown out after getting set up.
I'm not making excuses for him hitting her however that girl asked for it and wasn't satisfied until she got punched out. Its sick looking back at the whole situation.
My point is the system is geared to favour the woman,especially if she can insinuate or proof abuse,whether her hand was active in the abuse or not.
Moral of the story
re-nup. If you own anything and want to keep it draw up some paper to cya. Considering the divorce rate is over 50% a pre-nup should just be standard in my opinion.
She married her next boyfriend.
Prior to marriage they won 80000 in the lottery,bought a house,blah blah blah.
Well she was a slut. Screwing everything with a pulse. He finally gets turned of it and starts making divorce preparations.
She has an Internet boyfriend at the time. They hatch a plan to live happily ever after.
I already mentioned her love of throwing fists right. So they both like beating each other up.
She picks a tight,throws some punches then calls 911 as he freaks out,and the operator records the tantrum.
He then gets arrested,removed from the home and cannot see his son anymore unless its supervised and us now fighting a domestic assault beef.
As soon as she knows he cannot set foot in the home she moves her internet boyfriend in from Ontario.
He won the lottery by the way. He bought the house prior to marriage,but got thrown out after getting set up.
I'm not making excuses for him hitting her however that girl asked for it and wasn't satisfied until she got punched out. Its sick looking back at the whole situation.
My point is the system is geared to favour the woman,especially if she can insinuate or proof abuse,whether her hand was active in the abuse or not.
Moral of the story
re-nup. If you own anything and want to keep it draw up some paper to cya. Considering the divorce rate is over 50% a pre-nup should just be standard in my opinion.
Originally Posted By: OVERKILL
Originally Posted By: Mykl
^ that worked for me too. I lived with my wife for just over a year before we got married.
She's the same exact person now as she's ever been.
I've known my wife since I was 18. We got married 7 years ago and I am 34. Figure I know her pretty well
You may think so. I knew my ex-wife for 5 years before we married. We divorced after 19 years of marriage.
Turns out, even after two decades, I didn't really know her, or understand how the mind of a controller/abuser works.
I understand a great deal more now...
Originally Posted By: Mykl
^ that worked for me too. I lived with my wife for just over a year before we got married.
She's the same exact person now as she's ever been.
I've known my wife since I was 18. We got married 7 years ago and I am 34. Figure I know her pretty well
You may think so. I knew my ex-wife for 5 years before we married. We divorced after 19 years of marriage.
Turns out, even after two decades, I didn't really know her, or understand how the mind of a controller/abuser works.
I understand a great deal more now...
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Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Spot on. Basically: women can do no wrong, men can do no right. Shut up and pay the child support (even though the kid isn't yours) and the alimony!
The courts do this so as to reduce the welfare expense on the government and put it on the spouse with higher income. Usually the male.
Justice denied? Very possibly.
Spot on. Basically: women can do no wrong, men can do no right. Shut up and pay the child support (even though the kid isn't yours) and the alimony!
The courts do this so as to reduce the welfare expense on the government and put it on the spouse with higher income. Usually the male.
Justice denied? Very possibly.
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Originally Posted By: cjcride
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Spot on. Basically: women can do no wrong, men can do no right. Shut up and pay the child support (even though the kid isn't yours) and the alimony!
The courts do this so as to reduce the welfare expense on the government and put it on the spouse with higher income. Usually the male.
Justice denied? Very possibly.
nope, it is called title IV-D match, the court loves give the parent with lower income major custody so they can process child support and get matching funds from federal govt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M7cEi61W24
watch this video, this is a whistleblower from Michigan,
I am taking depositions from people who have gone through the false allegations and court did nothing.
FYI: Michigan law allows either party to go after the other for lies etc.
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Spot on. Basically: women can do no wrong, men can do no right. Shut up and pay the child support (even though the kid isn't yours) and the alimony!
The courts do this so as to reduce the welfare expense on the government and put it on the spouse with higher income. Usually the male.
Justice denied? Very possibly.
nope, it is called title IV-D match, the court loves give the parent with lower income major custody so they can process child support and get matching funds from federal govt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M7cEi61W24
watch this video, this is a whistleblower from Michigan,
I am taking depositions from people who have gone through the false allegations and court did nothing.
FYI: Michigan law allows either party to go after the other for lies etc.
This is excellent advice.
I went through this 24 years ago. I thought justice would be served. Don't think that way follow all the cautions stated by others. My ex tried to stage a sex abuse thing against me saying I did unspeakable things to my daughter who was about 4 at the time. I thought the courts would see this as a ruse by her to get full custody from me. This was a well known thing that some ex wives were doing at the time.
I thought the courts were at least as educated on basic things as I was at the time, and would be fair and impartial. The scales are heavily tipped towards women in this regard. The courts are not necessarily there for justice for Joe and Suzy public. Keep in mind the system is there to keep them employed and for them to move up in the hierarchy of the system. Lawyer to judge, prosecutor to attorney etc. They need to blow the money that tax payers pay to the system to be able to justify the need for more in the future. Whether or not it's spent wisely.
I hate to say it, but the system is a game that is about winning and losing. They don't seem to care about men in my experience.
My daughter went through a lot of garbage as well. I lost a lot of faith in the our legal system after the ordeal. I started believing a higher power when this whole thing was going on. In fairness to my ex I think the guy she was with at the time was behind this false abuse scenario. You can't be to complacent.
The silver lining is my lawyer tried to get the prosecutor to drop the charges. He carved the prosecutor to pieces in court, and my ex walked away from my daughter who was about 5 at the time. I have tried to get her to visit her mom in recent years even after all the fall out. She just recently saw her and her grandparents on that side of the family. It's not an easy road. I wish you the best my friend.
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
Originally Posted By: yonyon
Obviously, this isn't an amicable divorce you only need to know a few things:
Get a good lawyer ASAP.
Don't do anything your lawyer doesn't tell you to do.
Carry a digital voice recorder.
Absolutely. The lawyer part especially because you will need one no question. The only chance you have is that your lawyer is better than hers. If he/she is best case scenario for you is you come out with a little at the end vs nothing. You won't "win" this unless your soon to be ex is a serial killer or something. The courts are overwhelmingly bias towards the woman and you are in for a bad time I am afraid.
Be prepared to get royally screwed here. Doubtful you will get anything out of this even if you have done nothing wrong to cause this and have the best lawyer ever. I hate to say it but be prepared to lose the house, your kids, all your money, and to start paying her a hefty sum each month.
A lot of good advice from others here...
Don't leave the house. That is good advice. Stay until such time as the court orders you out( which they will - again prepare for it ). Once you leave you are out period and that makes it harder to get anything you are entitled to even when the court says you can get it( don't expect help from the court or Police if she won't let you despite a court order ).
Also agree with get what you can out NOW like firearms and family heirlooms. Don't take family things you acquired after marriage as the court will just order you to return them. Personal items though grab NOW!
Another member said keep a recorder on you at all times. I highly recommend this. Video is even better. In any "conflict" the courts and Police will believe her not you. That is a fact so believe in it. Do everything you can to protect yourself.
I am going to add the following advice...
ALWAYS have a witness during any discussions and especially if you remove anything from the house. Make sure the witness has a reliable character( no criminal record or history of problems with the ex )and that they are willing to sign an affidavit and/or go to court. A witness who won't get involved if needed is a waste of your time.
No matter what happens if she starts to get physical with you DO NOT so much as touch her. Don't even grab her arms to stop her from hitting you. Cover up as best you can, leave the house as fast as you can, and go directly to the hospital. Have them call the Police and have the hospital take photos of any bruises or other visible signs you were assaulted. Do not go right to the Police. At the hospital tell the Police you wish to press charges on her. If you can get the Police to actually arrest her that is going to help( good luck with that though ).
Find a local to you divorced men's support group. Go to it NOW and ask for help. They can direct you to good lawyers as well as tell you things to look for, avoid, and to do. It will be a good resource for you.
I don't know why your divorce is going to happen and don't need to know. I can only tell you even if you have done nothing wrong be prepared to get shafted in a big way if your ex is vindictive and wants it all( she will get it ). If she makes an offer that looks like you can live with it, even if it sucks, my best advice is to JUMP on it ASAP before she changes her mind. Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
I will also warn you that 2 very common and sleazy tricks used by women in a divorce are to accuse you of abuse( physical and sexual )against your kids and her. It is disgusting but it happens all the time. Another is to try and force some kind of physical confrontation so she can get a restraining order against you. As I said earlier NEVER so much as touch her. Not even to defend yourself. She can get an RO against you with little to no effort but it will take an act of god for you to get an RO against her and/or to get the one on you lifted even with proof she is lying. Once she gest an RO against you expect her to be the one to force situations that put you in violation of the terms and she will have you arrested. The Police and courts don't care. They will tell you foolish things like you should have run away.
I could actually go on but I will stop my ranting here. Please man be careful and get a good lawyer right NOW! Do everything he/she says and nothing more or less. I wish you luck but fear you will be yet another man in this country who loses everything( family/home/money )to a divorce even if you have done nothing to deserve it. I have seen too many people I care about get destroyed in divorces to have any faith the system is just and fair to the man's side. It is not.
You are in for a long brutal ride. Best of luck with it.
Oh - and do NOT post any specifics about anything here or other forums. If she knows you visit here she/her lawyer will find what you have said and use it against you. I am dead serious. Say nothing on the internet.
I went through this 24 years ago. I thought justice would be served. Don't think that way follow all the cautions stated by others. My ex tried to stage a sex abuse thing against me saying I did unspeakable things to my daughter who was about 4 at the time. I thought the courts would see this as a ruse by her to get full custody from me. This was a well known thing that some ex wives were doing at the time.
I thought the courts were at least as educated on basic things as I was at the time, and would be fair and impartial. The scales are heavily tipped towards women in this regard. The courts are not necessarily there for justice for Joe and Suzy public. Keep in mind the system is there to keep them employed and for them to move up in the hierarchy of the system. Lawyer to judge, prosecutor to attorney etc. They need to blow the money that tax payers pay to the system to be able to justify the need for more in the future. Whether or not it's spent wisely.
I hate to say it, but the system is a game that is about winning and losing. They don't seem to care about men in my experience.
My daughter went through a lot of garbage as well. I lost a lot of faith in the our legal system after the ordeal. I started believing a higher power when this whole thing was going on. In fairness to my ex I think the guy she was with at the time was behind this false abuse scenario. You can't be to complacent.
The silver lining is my lawyer tried to get the prosecutor to drop the charges. He carved the prosecutor to pieces in court, and my ex walked away from my daughter who was about 5 at the time. I have tried to get her to visit her mom in recent years even after all the fall out. She just recently saw her and her grandparents on that side of the family. It's not an easy road. I wish you the best my friend.
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
Originally Posted By: yonyon
Obviously, this isn't an amicable divorce you only need to know a few things:
Get a good lawyer ASAP.
Don't do anything your lawyer doesn't tell you to do.
Carry a digital voice recorder.
Absolutely. The lawyer part especially because you will need one no question. The only chance you have is that your lawyer is better than hers. If he/she is best case scenario for you is you come out with a little at the end vs nothing. You won't "win" this unless your soon to be ex is a serial killer or something. The courts are overwhelmingly bias towards the woman and you are in for a bad time I am afraid.
Be prepared to get royally screwed here. Doubtful you will get anything out of this even if you have done nothing wrong to cause this and have the best lawyer ever. I hate to say it but be prepared to lose the house, your kids, all your money, and to start paying her a hefty sum each month.
A lot of good advice from others here...
Don't leave the house. That is good advice. Stay until such time as the court orders you out( which they will - again prepare for it ). Once you leave you are out period and that makes it harder to get anything you are entitled to even when the court says you can get it( don't expect help from the court or Police if she won't let you despite a court order ).
Also agree with get what you can out NOW like firearms and family heirlooms. Don't take family things you acquired after marriage as the court will just order you to return them. Personal items though grab NOW!
Another member said keep a recorder on you at all times. I highly recommend this. Video is even better. In any "conflict" the courts and Police will believe her not you. That is a fact so believe in it. Do everything you can to protect yourself.
I am going to add the following advice...
ALWAYS have a witness during any discussions and especially if you remove anything from the house. Make sure the witness has a reliable character( no criminal record or history of problems with the ex )and that they are willing to sign an affidavit and/or go to court. A witness who won't get involved if needed is a waste of your time.
No matter what happens if she starts to get physical with you DO NOT so much as touch her. Don't even grab her arms to stop her from hitting you. Cover up as best you can, leave the house as fast as you can, and go directly to the hospital. Have them call the Police and have the hospital take photos of any bruises or other visible signs you were assaulted. Do not go right to the Police. At the hospital tell the Police you wish to press charges on her. If you can get the Police to actually arrest her that is going to help( good luck with that though ).
Find a local to you divorced men's support group. Go to it NOW and ask for help. They can direct you to good lawyers as well as tell you things to look for, avoid, and to do. It will be a good resource for you.
I don't know why your divorce is going to happen and don't need to know. I can only tell you even if you have done nothing wrong be prepared to get shafted in a big way if your ex is vindictive and wants it all( she will get it ). If she makes an offer that looks like you can live with it, even if it sucks, my best advice is to JUMP on it ASAP before she changes her mind. Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
I will also warn you that 2 very common and sleazy tricks used by women in a divorce are to accuse you of abuse( physical and sexual )against your kids and her. It is disgusting but it happens all the time. Another is to try and force some kind of physical confrontation so she can get a restraining order against you. As I said earlier NEVER so much as touch her. Not even to defend yourself. She can get an RO against you with little to no effort but it will take an act of god for you to get an RO against her and/or to get the one on you lifted even with proof she is lying. Once she gest an RO against you expect her to be the one to force situations that put you in violation of the terms and she will have you arrested. The Police and courts don't care. They will tell you foolish things like you should have run away.
I could actually go on but I will stop my ranting here. Please man be careful and get a good lawyer right NOW! Do everything he/she says and nothing more or less. I wish you luck but fear you will be yet another man in this country who loses everything( family/home/money )to a divorce even if you have done nothing to deserve it. I have seen too many people I care about get destroyed in divorces to have any faith the system is just and fair to the man's side. It is not.
You are in for a long brutal ride. Best of luck with it.
Oh - and do NOT post any specifics about anything here or other forums. If she knows you visit here she/her lawyer will find what you have said and use it against you. I am dead serious. Say nothing on the internet.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
The problem is with the system. Men and women are equally capible of being messed up knuckleheads. Women simply have more opportunity because the legal system currently has a bias in it.
My ex-wife had an affair.
Why does the system give the child to the cheating spouse just because she was the stay-at-home mom?
We did away with divorce for cause (thanks CA Govenor, Ronald Reagan.) So now, marital misconduct doesn't matter in a divorce when it comes to custody or division of property.
So guys (and gals, but mostly guys) who are betrayed, or their wives simply no longer wish to be with them, are screwed in court. They likely lose their kids, have to pay child support and if the marriage was longer term, they may pay spousal support also. Plus, if the marriage was at least 10 years, they could potentially collect on your social security. (Wonder why SS is going broke? Ex-spouses potentially claiming, and I don't think more claiming reduces what others get!)
I have a simple solution, if you want a "no fault divorce" then it's just that, no fault. If you want out, you are leaving your spouse. You can take a suitcase full of your personal items and your share of the debt. That's it. You don't get primary custody of the children, you don't get a split of marital assets, and you have to pay off your income based percentage of the debt.
So if you want to go, you are free to go. But you don't get to take the property with you. After all, if you are breaking your vow, why should you get to take property and the kids?
If there is actual marital misconduct, you prove it and the spouse who is guilty of the misconduct gets ejected under the same terms.
Misconduct would include infidelity, abuse, addiction, and perhaps other, well defined and provable behaviors.
Today, all it takes if for one person to say "I quit" and if it's a woman, she likely gets the sympathy of the court, even if she's the one engaged in the misconduct.
Very well said.
The problem is with the system. Men and women are equally capible of being messed up knuckleheads. Women simply have more opportunity because the legal system currently has a bias in it.
My ex-wife had an affair.
Why does the system give the child to the cheating spouse just because she was the stay-at-home mom?
We did away with divorce for cause (thanks CA Govenor, Ronald Reagan.) So now, marital misconduct doesn't matter in a divorce when it comes to custody or division of property.
So guys (and gals, but mostly guys) who are betrayed, or their wives simply no longer wish to be with them, are screwed in court. They likely lose their kids, have to pay child support and if the marriage was longer term, they may pay spousal support also. Plus, if the marriage was at least 10 years, they could potentially collect on your social security. (Wonder why SS is going broke? Ex-spouses potentially claiming, and I don't think more claiming reduces what others get!)
I have a simple solution, if you want a "no fault divorce" then it's just that, no fault. If you want out, you are leaving your spouse. You can take a suitcase full of your personal items and your share of the debt. That's it. You don't get primary custody of the children, you don't get a split of marital assets, and you have to pay off your income based percentage of the debt.
So if you want to go, you are free to go. But you don't get to take the property with you. After all, if you are breaking your vow, why should you get to take property and the kids?
If there is actual marital misconduct, you prove it and the spouse who is guilty of the misconduct gets ejected under the same terms.
Misconduct would include infidelity, abuse, addiction, and perhaps other, well defined and provable behaviors.
Today, all it takes if for one person to say "I quit" and if it's a woman, she likely gets the sympathy of the court, even if she's the one engaged in the misconduct.
Very well said.
- Status
