Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
advice on divorce.
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Nick1994
$100 site donor 2024
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Also , i would stop any contributions to a 401/403/roth retirement account as they will go after 1/2 of that, don't put any more in it. Open a new account with a different right of survivorship.
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Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Please tell me you addressed the credit cards. She can run them up to the max then demand that you own 1/2 the debt.
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Please tell me you addressed the credit cards. She can run them up to the max then demand that you own 1/2 the debt.
Nick1994
$100 site donor 2024
Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Also if you have a trusted friend, transfer your car's titles into their names. Your turn to drain any savings or retirement accounts and keep hidden.
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Well today I went to buy diapers for our daughter after work and the card was declined so I check our balance and yep she took all the money out .......i should have seen that coming. It's not appropriate for me to talk bad about her. There is plenty I don't like but I'm not going to whine about it constantly doesn't fix any thing.
Sorry to say but you were warned. If you have direct deposit for your work IMMEDIATELY open a new account and start depositing your money in there.
Also if you have a trusted friend, transfer your car's titles into their names. Your turn to drain any savings or retirement accounts and keep hidden.
OP:
You come across as very passive about this situation. That must change immediately. Your life is going to change radically and if you don't get on the stick pretty quickly, you're going to get creamed.
You come across as very passive about this situation. That must change immediately. Your life is going to change radically and if you don't get on the stick pretty quickly, you're going to get creamed.
Originally Posted By: ram_man
Sometimes she wants to be civil and then she has a burst of crazy anger......it's weird.
No, not weird. Quite normal for some people.
Sometimes she wants to be civil and then she has a burst of crazy anger......it's weird.
No, not weird. Quite normal for some people.
Originally Posted By: yonyon
Obviously, this isn't an amicable divorce you only need to know a few things:
Get a good lawyer ASAP.
Don't do anything your lawyer doesn't tell you to do.
Carry a digital voice recorder.
Absolutely. The lawyer part especially because you will need one no question. The only chance you have is that your lawyer is better than hers. If he/she is best case scenario for you is you come out with a little at the end vs nothing. You won't "win" this unless your soon to be ex is a serial killer or something. The courts are overwhelmingly bias towards the woman and you are in for a bad time I am afraid.
Be prepared to get royally screwed here. Doubtful you will get anything out of this even if you have done nothing wrong to cause this and have the best lawyer ever. I hate to say it but be prepared to lose the house, your kids, all your money, and to start paying her a hefty sum each month.
A lot of good advice from others here...
Don't leave the house. That is good advice. Stay until such time as the court orders you out( which they will - again prepare for it ). Once you leave you are out period and that makes it harder to get anything you are entitled to even when the court says you can get it( don't expect help from the court or Police if she won't let you despite a court order ).
Also agree with get what you can out NOW like firearms and family heirlooms. Don't take family things you acquired after marriage as the court will just order you to return them. Personal items though grab NOW!
Another member said keep a recorder on you at all times. I highly recommend this. Video is even better. In any "conflict" the courts and Police will believe her not you. That is a fact so believe in it. Do everything you can to protect yourself.
I am going to add the following advice...
ALWAYS have a witness during any discussions and especially if you remove anything from the house. Make sure the witness has a reliable character( no criminal record or history of problems with the ex )and that they are willing to sign an affidavit and/or go to court. A witness who won't get involved if needed is a waste of your time.
No matter what happens if she starts to get physical with you DO NOT so much as touch her. Don't even grab her arms to stop her from hitting you. Cover up as best you can, leave the house as fast as you can, and go directly to the hospital. Have them call the Police and have the hospital take photos of any bruises or other visible signs you were assaulted. Do not go right to the Police. At the hospital tell the Police you wish to press charges on her. If you can get the Police to actually arrest her that is going to help( good luck with that though ).
Find a local to you divorced men's support group. Go to it NOW and ask for help. They can direct you to good lawyers as well as tell you things to look for, avoid, and to do. It will be a good resource for you.
I don't know why your divorce is going to happen and don't need to know. I can only tell you even if you have done nothing wrong be prepared to get shafted in a big way if your ex is vindictive and wants it all( she will get it ). If she makes an offer that looks like you can live with it, even if it sucks, my best advice is to JUMP on it ASAP before she changes her mind. Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
I will also warn you that 2 very common and sleazy tricks used by women in a divorce are to accuse you of abuse( physical and sexual )against your kids and her. It is disgusting but it happens all the time. Another is to try and force some kind of physical confrontation so she can get a restraining order against you. As I said earlier NEVER so much as touch her. Not even to defend yourself. She can get an RO against you with little to no effort but it will take an act of god for you to get an RO against her and/or to get the one on you lifted even with proof she is lying. Once she gest an RO against you expect her to be the one to force situations that put you in violation of the terms and she will have you arrested. The Police and courts don't care. They will tell you foolish things like you should have run away.
I could actually go on but I will stop my ranting here. Please man be careful and get a good lawyer right NOW! Do everything he/she says and nothing more or less. I wish you luck but fear you will be yet another man in this country who loses everything( family/home/money )to a divorce even if you have done nothing to deserve it. I have seen too many people I care about get destroyed in divorces to have any faith the system is just and fair to the man's side. It is not.
You are in for a long brutal ride. Best of luck with it.
Oh - and do NOT post any specifics about anything here or other forums. If she knows you visit here she/her lawyer will find what you have said and use it against you. I am dead serious. Say nothing on the internet.
Obviously, this isn't an amicable divorce you only need to know a few things:
Get a good lawyer ASAP.
Don't do anything your lawyer doesn't tell you to do.
Carry a digital voice recorder.
Absolutely. The lawyer part especially because you will need one no question. The only chance you have is that your lawyer is better than hers. If he/she is best case scenario for you is you come out with a little at the end vs nothing. You won't "win" this unless your soon to be ex is a serial killer or something. The courts are overwhelmingly bias towards the woman and you are in for a bad time I am afraid.
Be prepared to get royally screwed here. Doubtful you will get anything out of this even if you have done nothing wrong to cause this and have the best lawyer ever. I hate to say it but be prepared to lose the house, your kids, all your money, and to start paying her a hefty sum each month.
A lot of good advice from others here...
Don't leave the house. That is good advice. Stay until such time as the court orders you out( which they will - again prepare for it ). Once you leave you are out period and that makes it harder to get anything you are entitled to even when the court says you can get it( don't expect help from the court or Police if she won't let you despite a court order ).
Also agree with get what you can out NOW like firearms and family heirlooms. Don't take family things you acquired after marriage as the court will just order you to return them. Personal items though grab NOW!
Another member said keep a recorder on you at all times. I highly recommend this. Video is even better. In any "conflict" the courts and Police will believe her not you. That is a fact so believe in it. Do everything you can to protect yourself.
I am going to add the following advice...
ALWAYS have a witness during any discussions and especially if you remove anything from the house. Make sure the witness has a reliable character( no criminal record or history of problems with the ex )and that they are willing to sign an affidavit and/or go to court. A witness who won't get involved if needed is a waste of your time.
No matter what happens if she starts to get physical with you DO NOT so much as touch her. Don't even grab her arms to stop her from hitting you. Cover up as best you can, leave the house as fast as you can, and go directly to the hospital. Have them call the Police and have the hospital take photos of any bruises or other visible signs you were assaulted. Do not go right to the Police. At the hospital tell the Police you wish to press charges on her. If you can get the Police to actually arrest her that is going to help( good luck with that though ).
Find a local to you divorced men's support group. Go to it NOW and ask for help. They can direct you to good lawyers as well as tell you things to look for, avoid, and to do. It will be a good resource for you.
I don't know why your divorce is going to happen and don't need to know. I can only tell you even if you have done nothing wrong be prepared to get shafted in a big way if your ex is vindictive and wants it all( she will get it ). If she makes an offer that looks like you can live with it, even if it sucks, my best advice is to JUMP on it ASAP before she changes her mind. Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
I will also warn you that 2 very common and sleazy tricks used by women in a divorce are to accuse you of abuse( physical and sexual )against your kids and her. It is disgusting but it happens all the time. Another is to try and force some kind of physical confrontation so she can get a restraining order against you. As I said earlier NEVER so much as touch her. Not even to defend yourself. She can get an RO against you with little to no effort but it will take an act of god for you to get an RO against her and/or to get the one on you lifted even with proof she is lying. Once she gest an RO against you expect her to be the one to force situations that put you in violation of the terms and she will have you arrested. The Police and courts don't care. They will tell you foolish things like you should have run away.
I could actually go on but I will stop my ranting here. Please man be careful and get a good lawyer right NOW! Do everything he/she says and nothing more or less. I wish you luck but fear you will be yet another man in this country who loses everything( family/home/money )to a divorce even if you have done nothing to deserve it. I have seen too many people I care about get destroyed in divorces to have any faith the system is just and fair to the man's side. It is not.
You are in for a long brutal ride. Best of luck with it.
Oh - and do NOT post any specifics about anything here or other forums. If she knows you visit here she/her lawyer will find what you have said and use it against you. I am dead serious. Say nothing on the internet.
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As someone who has gone through a divorce in the past 10 years, I'd say this can be the outcome.
Or it could be like my divorce.
I kept the house.
I kept two of the three cars. (By the time it was over, she traded her minivan for a VW Bettle, I made sure that I got a signed agreement that I was not liable for that debt, and that I would keep the other two cars for letting her trade the van for the VW and that I was not liable for the loan, insurance, etc.
I kept most of my 401(k) and IRA. I had documentation of what I had before the marriage and that all came off the table.
I got joint custody, her primary, but now my daughter lives most of the time with me.
Any debt was divided based on income percentages.
I claim my daughter every other year on taxes.
My court ordered obligations to my daughter end when she graduates high-school. (Doesn't mean I won't help here. It simply means that the $$$ won't go through my ex after graduation.)
The warnings about documentation, staying in the home are very real. Ditto with the bank accounts. Change everything, keep documentation. Don't make any big changes to how you live. Don't buy a sports car, take elaborate trips, etc.
Also, document your time with your children.
You can do well, but remain level headed, play long term. You may lose a few battles, but you are out to win the war.
My ex may have been given primary custody. But my daughter is now old enough (15) to see the difference and prefers to spend a majority of time in my home. Less drama, better school district, and an engaged and enriching home life. No live in lover who has no D/L due to a DUI and is under-employed in my home.
Or it could be like my divorce.
I kept the house.
I kept two of the three cars. (By the time it was over, she traded her minivan for a VW Bettle, I made sure that I got a signed agreement that I was not liable for that debt, and that I would keep the other two cars for letting her trade the van for the VW and that I was not liable for the loan, insurance, etc.
I kept most of my 401(k) and IRA. I had documentation of what I had before the marriage and that all came off the table.
I got joint custody, her primary, but now my daughter lives most of the time with me.
Any debt was divided based on income percentages.
I claim my daughter every other year on taxes.
My court ordered obligations to my daughter end when she graduates high-school. (Doesn't mean I won't help here. It simply means that the $$$ won't go through my ex after graduation.)
The warnings about documentation, staying in the home are very real. Ditto with the bank accounts. Change everything, keep documentation. Don't make any big changes to how you live. Don't buy a sports car, take elaborate trips, etc.
Also, document your time with your children.
You can do well, but remain level headed, play long term. You may lose a few battles, but you are out to win the war.
My ex may have been given primary custody. But my daughter is now old enough (15) to see the difference and prefers to spend a majority of time in my home. Less drama, better school district, and an engaged and enriching home life. No live in lover who has no D/L due to a DUI and is under-employed in my home.
Quote:
Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
This cannot be overstated. The judge owns you and your property. They are supposed to go by the law, and when they don't, your only recourse is to take it to a higher court and that will be a minimum $20K for lawyers.
Try NOT to go to court. Come to as many agreements before seeing a judge as possible. Once you step in that courtroom, your life and those of your kids, is in the hands of a person that doesn't know you, doesn't care about you, and just want's another case off their docket.
Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
This cannot be overstated. The judge owns you and your property. They are supposed to go by the law, and when they don't, your only recourse is to take it to a higher court and that will be a minimum $20K for lawyers.
Try NOT to go to court. Come to as many agreements before seeing a judge as possible. Once you step in that courtroom, your life and those of your kids, is in the hands of a person that doesn't know you, doesn't care about you, and just want's another case off their docket.
I've managed to keep Mama Bear since 1962.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side just walk over to the fence and take an honest look.
I wish you the best.
Bob
If you think the grass is greener on the other side just walk over to the fence and take an honest look.
I wish you the best.
Bob
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Yikes, some BITOG members have been through [censored] during their divorce
It's not just divorce proceedings. The judicial system is very messed up and if you ever have to get involved in any court process you might be in store for an eye opener. The saying "it's better to be guilty and rich rather than poor and innocent" is often very true. But, you will not believe it until you have to go through it.
Yikes, some BITOG members have been through [censored] during their divorce
It's not just divorce proceedings. The judicial system is very messed up and if you ever have to get involved in any court process you might be in store for an eye opener. The saying "it's better to be guilty and rich rather than poor and innocent" is often very true. But, you will not believe it until you have to go through it.
Most men don't have much say in the matter. When divorces are filed 66-75% of the time, it's the woman who chooses to file.
Not saying there are not men who are guilty of marital misconduct. What I'm saying is that most men are not the ones choosing to end their marriage.
So perhaps the "grass is greener" advice would be given to the wives who make up the bulk of divorce filings.
On one hand, we have the perception that men don't value family. On the other, we have the facts that it's not men who are choosing to end their marriages in the vast majority of cases.
When will perception ever catch up with reality?
Originally Posted By: Papa Bear
I've managed to keep Mama Bear since 1962.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side just walk over to the fence and take an honest look.
I wish you the best.
Bob
Not saying there are not men who are guilty of marital misconduct. What I'm saying is that most men are not the ones choosing to end their marriage.
So perhaps the "grass is greener" advice would be given to the wives who make up the bulk of divorce filings.
On one hand, we have the perception that men don't value family. On the other, we have the facts that it's not men who are choosing to end their marriages in the vast majority of cases.
When will perception ever catch up with reality?
Originally Posted By: Papa Bear
I've managed to keep Mama Bear since 1962.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side just walk over to the fence and take an honest look.
I wish you the best.
Bob
Originally Posted By: Tempest
Quote:
Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
This cannot be overstated. The judge owns you and your property. They are supposed to go by the law, and when they don't, your only recourse is to take it to a higher court and that will be a minimum $20K for lawyers.
Try NOT to go to court. Come to as many agreements before seeing a judge as possible. Once you step in that courtroom, your life and those of your kids, is in the hands of a person that doesn't know you, doesn't care about you, and just want's another case off their docket.
If u let it they will own u. 20k sheesh I wish, ad another 0 to that bro.
Quote:
Do not expect an unbiased court that will follow the law and rule in a fair and impartial manner. She will get all the breaks, the judge will do what he/she wants even if it goes against the law, and you will come out on the poop end of the stick.
This cannot be overstated. The judge owns you and your property. They are supposed to go by the law, and when they don't, your only recourse is to take it to a higher court and that will be a minimum $20K for lawyers.
Try NOT to go to court. Come to as many agreements before seeing a judge as possible. Once you step in that courtroom, your life and those of your kids, is in the hands of a person that doesn't know you, doesn't care about you, and just want's another case off their docket.
If u let it they will own u. 20k sheesh I wish, ad another 0 to that bro.
Java:
^ Perhaps that's because more men than women get what they want? and therefore they don't (=have no reason/need to) file for divorce, but it's the opposite for most women?
idk...just wondering.
^ Perhaps that's because more men than women get what they want? and therefore they don't (=have no reason/need to) file for divorce, but it's the opposite for most women?
idk...just wondering.
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Yikes, some BITOG members have been through [censored] during their divorce
My cousin was accused of diddling his daughter. His wife made the whole thing up for leverage.
He washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of Jack Daniels that night. He had no will, she got everything.
Yikes, some BITOG members have been through [censored] during their divorce
My cousin was accused of diddling his daughter. His wife made the whole thing up for leverage.
He washed down a bottle of sleeping pills with a fifth of Jack Daniels that night. He had no will, she got everything.
True,
If you look at a study titled something like "These Boots were Made for Walking" the bottom line is the one who perceives they will get the best deal out of divorce are the ones who file.
As a marriage goes on, the balance changes. Early in the marriage, assuming getting married as a 20 something and having a kid or two, it's typically the wife who has the advantage. She will probably get child support, society places a higher value on young women in the dating market place. So when divorce is sought early in the marriage, it's typically the woman.
The balance changes after the kids are out of the house. Now the husband doesn't have as much to lose. (Or at least doesn't think he does.) His kids are out of the house and men, established in their careers, with their higher earning are now more valuable in that dating marketplace than a middle aged woman. (Think mid-life crisis man chasing after the young woman.)
It's my belief that one of the reasons the figures are not close to 50/50 is because many marriages are ended early by the women, so there isn't the chance where the husband perceives he has an advantage buy ending the marriage.
It's possible that men are getting their emotional needs met more so than women. It's also possible that she simply hasn't clearly communicated them, or has unrealistic expectations. Romance Novels, Romantic Comedies, and Lifetime are just as toxic when it comes to unrealistic expectations as is Porn for men.
Also, later in life, the man, who may not have been getting his typical #1 emotional need, sex, may say why am I staying here, sexually frustrated. I've given up everything to my wife so she can raise kids, etc, and yet we are not having sex as often as I want it.
So is it women aren't getting their needs met, or men are more willing to remain in their marriage, even if their needs are not being met?
I do agree, folks divorce when they perceive they will get what they want, outside the marriage.
The reality is you are just trading one set of problems for another. This is true for both unhappy husbands and wives.
Originally Posted By: 97tbird
Java:
^ Perhaps that's because more men than women get what they want? and therefore they don't (=have no reason/need to) file for divorce, but it's the opposite for most women?
idk...just wondering.
If you look at a study titled something like "These Boots were Made for Walking" the bottom line is the one who perceives they will get the best deal out of divorce are the ones who file.
As a marriage goes on, the balance changes. Early in the marriage, assuming getting married as a 20 something and having a kid or two, it's typically the wife who has the advantage. She will probably get child support, society places a higher value on young women in the dating market place. So when divorce is sought early in the marriage, it's typically the woman.
The balance changes after the kids are out of the house. Now the husband doesn't have as much to lose. (Or at least doesn't think he does.) His kids are out of the house and men, established in their careers, with their higher earning are now more valuable in that dating marketplace than a middle aged woman. (Think mid-life crisis man chasing after the young woman.)
It's my belief that one of the reasons the figures are not close to 50/50 is because many marriages are ended early by the women, so there isn't the chance where the husband perceives he has an advantage buy ending the marriage.
It's possible that men are getting their emotional needs met more so than women. It's also possible that she simply hasn't clearly communicated them, or has unrealistic expectations. Romance Novels, Romantic Comedies, and Lifetime are just as toxic when it comes to unrealistic expectations as is Porn for men.
Also, later in life, the man, who may not have been getting his typical #1 emotional need, sex, may say why am I staying here, sexually frustrated. I've given up everything to my wife so she can raise kids, etc, and yet we are not having sex as often as I want it.
So is it women aren't getting their needs met, or men are more willing to remain in their marriage, even if their needs are not being met?
I do agree, folks divorce when they perceive they will get what they want, outside the marriage.
The reality is you are just trading one set of problems for another. This is true for both unhappy husbands and wives.
Originally Posted By: 97tbird
Java:
^ Perhaps that's because more men than women get what they want? and therefore they don't (=have no reason/need to) file for divorce, but it's the opposite for most women?
idk...just wondering.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
Most men don't have much say in the matter. When divorces are filed 66-75% of the time, it's the woman who chooses to file.
I am pretty sure that the actual % is higher than that.
80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women
http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/08/80-percent-of-divorces-are-filed-by.html
Most men don't have much say in the matter. When divorces are filed 66-75% of the time, it's the woman who chooses to file.
I am pretty sure that the actual % is higher than that.
80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women
http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/08/80-percent-of-divorces-are-filed-by.html
Originally Posted By: zzyzzx
Originally Posted By: javacontour
Most men don't have much say in the matter. When divorces are filed 66-75% of the time, it's the woman who chooses to file.
I am pretty sure that the actual % is higher than that.
80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women
http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/08/80-percent-of-divorces-are-filed-by.html
little bit higher in west michigan,
on top of that 66% of the kids are ABUSED by their mothers.
so you have a lot of abusive mothers filing for divorce and crying wolf.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
Most men don't have much say in the matter. When divorces are filed 66-75% of the time, it's the woman who chooses to file.
I am pretty sure that the actual % is higher than that.
80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women
http://www.uplifting-love.com/2013/08/80-percent-of-divorces-are-filed-by.html
little bit higher in west michigan,
on top of that 66% of the kids are ABUSED by their mothers.
so you have a lot of abusive mothers filing for divorce and crying wolf.
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