A few funnies

[sprintman]

KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL
> > > >
> > > >Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
> > > >each
> other
> > > outside the operating room.
> > > >The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
> > > >The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm
> > > >a little nervous."
> > > >The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
> > > >that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you
> > > >wake up they
> > > give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
> > > >The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
> > > >The first kid says, "A circumcision."
> > > >And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
> > > Couldn't walk for a year!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> ======================================================================
> ====
> > > >
> > > >Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
> > > >smiles
on
> > > their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has
> happened.
> > > >
> > > >A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first
body.
> > > >"Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
> > > mistress... hence the enormous smile Inspector," says the Coroner.
> > > >
> > > >The Inspector is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25,
> > > >won a
> > > thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of
> alcohol
> > > poisoning, hence the smile."
> > > >
> > > >"Nothing unusual here," says the Inspector, and asks to be shown
> > > >the
> last
> > > body.
> > > >
> > > >"Ah," says the Coroner, "look at this one. Irishman, 30, struck
> > > >by
> > > lightning."
> > > >
> > > >"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
> > > >
> > > >The Coroner replies ... "Thought he was having his picture taken."
> > > >
> > > >
> > >
> ======================================================================
> ====
> > > >
> > > >Vanity doesn't pay
> > >
> > > >A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
> > > While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
> > > Seeing
> God,
> > > she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43
> > > years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman
> > > decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction,
> > > breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come
> > > in and change her hair colour.Since
she
> > > had
> > > so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
> > > most
> of
> > > it.
> > > >
> > > >She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while
> crossing
> > > the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.
> Arriving
> > > in
> > > front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
years?"
> > > >God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
>
>
>

 

[sprintman]

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For
example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your email address be [email protected]
or
[email protected]
>

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send email messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the
breakroom.

When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your
stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.

Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drivethrough order is 'to go'.

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.

***AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple***
Send this email to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to
you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.