My future brother in-law goes to St. Augustine Prep. NICE school and does a really good job at preparing kids for college. They took him out of public schools. So yes, I should have also mentioned the positive aspects of some Catholic schools. I was just going by my experience from those that went to Catholic school from K-8th grade. I've also seen major rebellion from kids growing up with very strict parents. It's a nature/nuture thing. Can work both ways. Everyone is different.
A big school decision.....
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That's a start.
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I think the great thing about Catholic schools is that they require you to behave while you're scheming to circumvent the social inhibitors that they place before you. The alternative is no social inhibitors in place while at school ...so you don't have to behave "properly". The uniform and the makeup/jewelery bans kind stifle normal "blooming" activity to a certain degree. You're there to learn
It also instills an urge towards, and developing skills in guerrilla-style resistance just below the radar of the authorities.
Just my 2 cents, but I would want to intimidate this boyfriend so that he knows he's on thin ice. If he feels unwelcome or scared to come around, he may opt to find a girlfriend whose parent don't give a hoot about him hanging around. The path of least resistance sounds like his way. I know of women that ALWAYS make bad choices when it comes to men and this carries on into their 50's. If your daughter is prone to this character flaw, I would nip that in the bud now. Let's face it, with a 14 year old daughter, its going to tough to weed out the wolves in sheep's clothing, but it would nice if the boyfriend has something going for himself besides the ability to chew his pizza properly. The other thing I would be checking for is drug use. Not-so-bright 17 year old's are often times that way for a good reason.
Neither uses illegal drugs.
I guess I scare the khrap out of him, or so I've been told. This has not slowed either in the least.
My current plan is to him have over to study as much as possible, which of course includes my quizing on the material. The boy just don't get it, but my daughter is learning a LOT more than usual this way. The problem of course is trying to work 10-12 hours a day, plus run my increasing Amsoil business, my other businesses, my investments, yard and house upkeep, and pay attention to my other daughter. Of course I have no time for my wife.
I guess I scare the khrap out of him, or so I've been told. This has not slowed either in the least.
My current plan is to him have over to study as much as possible, which of course includes my quizing on the material. The boy just don't get it, but my daughter is learning a LOT more than usual this way. The problem of course is trying to work 10-12 hours a day, plus run my increasing Amsoil business, my other businesses, my investments, yard and house upkeep, and pay attention to my other daughter. Of course I have no time for my wife.
"The problem of course is trying to work 10-12 hours a day, plus run my increasing Amsoil business, my other businesses, my investments, yard and house upkeep, and pay attention to my other daughter. Of course I have no time for my wife."
Not meaning to be impertinent here, but does anything look wrong with this picture? Things (health, relationships)seem to be getting out of control, there may be a reason why.
Not meaning to be impertinent here, but does anything look wrong with this picture? Things (health, relationships)seem to be getting out of control, there may be a reason why.
I only wrote that with 1/2 my TIC. I do realize this is a huge problem.
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You forgot 7 hours of posting on BITOG per day.
That's included in my sleep time. I can multitask.
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That explains a lot.
I have no answers for you Pablo, since I've been a dad for around 4 months now. My heart goes out to you though, because I was a dopey 14 year old once too.
When I was a kid, my parents had really high expectations, and they said that because they thought I had potential. Whenever they thought I was falling below my potential, I was hounded to try harder.
At one point when I was around 14 and rebellious, they offered to stop harassing me and basically give up on me, if I was willing to give up on myself. I guess I didn't want that, because while I found it irritating to be pushed to achieve, I deep down knew that my parents were doing it with my own best interests in mind.
At that age, I remember not being capable of thinking clearly. For example, I knew that if I didn't get good grades and do well in things like part-time/summer jobs, that I wouldn't have the skills later to amount a contributor to society worthy of having a decent living. At the same time, I couldn't sometimes connect that dot with "I should study for my math test tonight".
I have read somewhere that the reason 14 year olds don't seem to make good choices is that their brains aren't fully developed yet. I remember doing things, getting in big trouble for it, and then not being able to explain for the life of me why I had done something so stupid.
My parents pushed me to achieve, but understood I was rebellious. They never told me I HAD to do anything, but instead told me and never let me forget what the consequences would be if I chose not to.
For example, on summer vacation, I remember driving through nebraska and it was at least 110F in the blazing sun. There was a guy who must have been 55 years old, out in the sun shovelling gravel by the tarmack along with a crew of younger men. I couldn't believe this guy (or any of the other guys) could survive this, and they probably couldn't either. They were all covered from head to toe in dirt.
Anyhow, my dad would point out someone like that doing something very difficult and uncomfortable to make an honest living. In that moment would point out that this was one alternative lifestyle should I choose not to study.
Another way this was pounded home was that I was encouraged (if not darn-near compelled) to work difficult jobs like heavy construction in the summer where I would learn about how many very hard working people earn their livelihood, and find out first hand whether I wanted to do the same.
Finally, I was never chastised for being lazy when I was, but instead they just communicated their severe disappointment in me, and reinforced that I was capable of doing better. Somehow they got through my thick skull that they really were looking out for me, even though it was a real pain in the *ss to a 14-18 year old.
None of this stuff would have worked with my brother, who was just a naturally good kid, and didn't need any pushing to achieve or make good choices.
I have to give my folks credit for figuring out what made ME tick, then finding a way to get it through my thick skull that there are consequences for each and every choice that I made.
Here's what they did:
1. They asked me if I WANTED to achieve, and make good choices. I said yes.
2. They never let me succumb to wishful thinking that achievement could be realized without hard work and perseverence.
3. They never missed an opportunity to show me what life could be like if I made choices that were not consistent with how I wanted my life to shape up.
4. They somehow got through to me that while they were difficult sometimes, they really were in my corner, and were there to help me get what I wanted.
One other point, and I'm sure you and every other man on the planet knows this one. Women (of all ages) are hard-wired differently emotionally than are men. You'll need, I suspect, to draw on the knowledge of your wife (as I'm sure you are) to figure out what is making your daughter tick, and then come up with a strategy to help her see you are on her side, and see that she's not on a path that will result in anything good in the future.
I have no ability to give any parenting advice, but hopefully the foregoing gives you an insight in to my rebellious mind when I was a goofy teenager.
Good luck to you in this herculean task!
When I was a kid, my parents had really high expectations, and they said that because they thought I had potential. Whenever they thought I was falling below my potential, I was hounded to try harder.
At one point when I was around 14 and rebellious, they offered to stop harassing me and basically give up on me, if I was willing to give up on myself. I guess I didn't want that, because while I found it irritating to be pushed to achieve, I deep down knew that my parents were doing it with my own best interests in mind.
At that age, I remember not being capable of thinking clearly. For example, I knew that if I didn't get good grades and do well in things like part-time/summer jobs, that I wouldn't have the skills later to amount a contributor to society worthy of having a decent living. At the same time, I couldn't sometimes connect that dot with "I should study for my math test tonight".
I have read somewhere that the reason 14 year olds don't seem to make good choices is that their brains aren't fully developed yet. I remember doing things, getting in big trouble for it, and then not being able to explain for the life of me why I had done something so stupid.
My parents pushed me to achieve, but understood I was rebellious. They never told me I HAD to do anything, but instead told me and never let me forget what the consequences would be if I chose not to.
For example, on summer vacation, I remember driving through nebraska and it was at least 110F in the blazing sun. There was a guy who must have been 55 years old, out in the sun shovelling gravel by the tarmack along with a crew of younger men. I couldn't believe this guy (or any of the other guys) could survive this, and they probably couldn't either. They were all covered from head to toe in dirt.
Anyhow, my dad would point out someone like that doing something very difficult and uncomfortable to make an honest living. In that moment would point out that this was one alternative lifestyle should I choose not to study.
Another way this was pounded home was that I was encouraged (if not darn-near compelled) to work difficult jobs like heavy construction in the summer where I would learn about how many very hard working people earn their livelihood, and find out first hand whether I wanted to do the same.
Finally, I was never chastised for being lazy when I was, but instead they just communicated their severe disappointment in me, and reinforced that I was capable of doing better. Somehow they got through my thick skull that they really were looking out for me, even though it was a real pain in the *ss to a 14-18 year old.
None of this stuff would have worked with my brother, who was just a naturally good kid, and didn't need any pushing to achieve or make good choices.
I have to give my folks credit for figuring out what made ME tick, then finding a way to get it through my thick skull that there are consequences for each and every choice that I made.
Here's what they did:
1. They asked me if I WANTED to achieve, and make good choices. I said yes.
2. They never let me succumb to wishful thinking that achievement could be realized without hard work and perseverence.
3. They never missed an opportunity to show me what life could be like if I made choices that were not consistent with how I wanted my life to shape up.
4. They somehow got through to me that while they were difficult sometimes, they really were in my corner, and were there to help me get what I wanted.
One other point, and I'm sure you and every other man on the planet knows this one. Women (of all ages) are hard-wired differently emotionally than are men. You'll need, I suspect, to draw on the knowledge of your wife (as I'm sure you are) to figure out what is making your daughter tick, and then come up with a strategy to help her see you are on her side, and see that she's not on a path that will result in anything good in the future.
I have no ability to give any parenting advice, but hopefully the foregoing gives you an insight in to my rebellious mind when I was a goofy teenager.
Good luck to you in this herculean task!
Isn't a 17 year old guy a bit old for a 14 year old girl anyway> I realize that as adults this is a microscopic age difference, but a 17 year old boy has got urges.
P, you scare him? Without even trying? Excellent.
P, you scare him? Without even trying? Excellent.
He wants her body. Pure and simple. 14 yo girls don't always look like 14 yo's. Everyone over 12 has urges. Doesn't mean you have to act on them.
I scare him most when I talk like a teacher.....
I scare him most when I talk like a teacher.....
You are quite right, sir.
My little friend is only 10, and I took her to the school carnival last week while her mom was at work, and she was approached by this wee little Mexican boy who kept asking her if she'd like to go for a walk...alone.
I put the nix on that pretty quickly.
My little friend is only 10, and I took her to the school carnival last week while her mom was at work, and she was approached by this wee little Mexican boy who kept asking her if she'd like to go for a walk...alone.
I put the nix on that pretty quickly.
Sorry to hear about your troubles, Pabs. I wish I could be your rock in this situation, but I don't have any experience in being a parent.
Kids are smart. Once they see you've run out of different public schools they await your next move, be it parochial or waiting the situation out. They can smell when you're uprooting them for the sake of uprooting them.
I remember when I was in HS my dad would come out with some new and stupid plan, like having the teacher give him weekly reports etc, and he'd rub my nose in how this semester was going to be different yadda yadda. Created great incentive to prove him wrong. To transplant someone again with good intentions could create a scenario where one is busy quickly making (bad) friends and not concentrating on their work as intended. Good call staying with the magnet school.
As for the boy, good luck with that.
I remember when I was in HS my dad would come out with some new and stupid plan, like having the teacher give him weekly reports etc, and he'd rub my nose in how this semester was going to be different yadda yadda. Created great incentive to prove him wrong. To transplant someone again with good intentions could create a scenario where one is busy quickly making (bad) friends and not concentrating on their work as intended. Good call staying with the magnet school.
As for the boy, good luck with that.
Makes me laugh. I have a 24yr old brother in law eats nothing but pizza and lives at home with my inlaws. no girlfriend though. My 17 year old nephew doesn't have a license/car and doesn't aspire for a job. He's on the wrestling team though and bowls in a junior league.
Pabs, here are some random thoughts.
First, I have to note that around here a lot of "ordinary" teens seem to be getting in trouble, dropping out, or both. One guy I worked with before I left my job last year saw all three of his teen kids drop out of school—his oldest in her senior year, just a few months from graduation. Needless to say, he is angry and disappointed in his kids, one of whom proceeded to get in trouble with the law after dropping out. Another former coworker went through his son dropping out and getting in trouble. Yet another, same story. You get the picture. These were all regular families with both parents present and acting responsibly. Anecdotal evidence suggests a lot of the same is happening all around the country.
With that in mind, the 17-year-old boyfriend is a serious problem waiting to happen, especially with his immaturity. I sincerely hope you aren't allowing him and your daughter to be alone together, let alone go on dates. (When I was in school, it was still uncommon for 14- and 15-year-olds to date. Wish it had remained like that.) Out here in the eastern US over the years have been several instances of teen boyfriends killing their younger girlfriends' parents, often at her bidding, so they could run away together. A recent Pennsylvania case received huge national publicity because of the search for the boy's car after he fled with his girlfriend, who was even younger than your daughter. Here in Virginia, before the US Supreme Court prohibited executions for offenses committed while still a juvenile, the state executed a man who had killed his 14-year-old girlfriend's parents when he was 15. Your daughter might be viewing you and your wife as getting in the way of her love interest, and maybe if you were out of the way... Sounds extreme, but don't disregard the possibility.
And are you absolutely sure neither uses drugs? A quick drop in scholastic achievement, as has happened with your daughter, can be an indication. Drugs are a scourge today—common everywhere. Watch any episode of Cops from anywhere in the country for confirmation. A lot of the vehicles the cops search have crack or meth pipes or other drug paraphernalia. Drug use is distressingly common around my backwater, and we've all heard the stories about meth and OxyContin addiction in rural areas. Don't be so sure that the boy isn't a pothead or worse. And why doesn't he have a driver's license yet anyway?
Where are this boy's parents, and what are they like? Maybe it's time to sit down with them for a chat and tell them to keep the boy away from your daughter. You can't stop her from seeing him (at least outside school)? Bet you can.
You said, "The girl just isn't going to ever have a 'regular' job anyway. And no college..." What does she expect to do—live off some "rich" guy as you mentioned above? Such as that loser boyfriend? And has she said that she doesn't plan/want to go to college? Please clarify. You might want to find out what other girls in the high school are thinking about their future and how much this influences your daughter; I'll bet you won't like what you find. That's why you pulled her out of the local high school, right? Same song, different verse in this other school, I'm sure.
And finally, would homeschooling be an option? No one has mentioned this yet. Someone needed to. Given the state of the public schools today everywhere, and increasingly the private and parochial schools as well, you might want to give this alternative some thought. And about the Catholic schools, they aren't all created equal, so check carefully. Several years ago the Norfolk paper carried an article giving the average SAT scores for seniors in area high schools, and the Norfolk-area Catholic high schools were near the bottom of the list with the lowest scores. The findings shocked me, and I'm pretty jaded. (Of course, the whole area did abysmally anyway, as southeastern Virginia has some of the most dumbed-downed schools in the country, but I digress...)
Pabs, I wish you luck with this situation.
First, I have to note that around here a lot of "ordinary" teens seem to be getting in trouble, dropping out, or both. One guy I worked with before I left my job last year saw all three of his teen kids drop out of school—his oldest in her senior year, just a few months from graduation. Needless to say, he is angry and disappointed in his kids, one of whom proceeded to get in trouble with the law after dropping out. Another former coworker went through his son dropping out and getting in trouble. Yet another, same story. You get the picture. These were all regular families with both parents present and acting responsibly. Anecdotal evidence suggests a lot of the same is happening all around the country.
With that in mind, the 17-year-old boyfriend is a serious problem waiting to happen, especially with his immaturity. I sincerely hope you aren't allowing him and your daughter to be alone together, let alone go on dates. (When I was in school, it was still uncommon for 14- and 15-year-olds to date. Wish it had remained like that.) Out here in the eastern US over the years have been several instances of teen boyfriends killing their younger girlfriends' parents, often at her bidding, so they could run away together. A recent Pennsylvania case received huge national publicity because of the search for the boy's car after he fled with his girlfriend, who was even younger than your daughter. Here in Virginia, before the US Supreme Court prohibited executions for offenses committed while still a juvenile, the state executed a man who had killed his 14-year-old girlfriend's parents when he was 15. Your daughter might be viewing you and your wife as getting in the way of her love interest, and maybe if you were out of the way... Sounds extreme, but don't disregard the possibility.
And are you absolutely sure neither uses drugs? A quick drop in scholastic achievement, as has happened with your daughter, can be an indication. Drugs are a scourge today—common everywhere. Watch any episode of Cops from anywhere in the country for confirmation. A lot of the vehicles the cops search have crack or meth pipes or other drug paraphernalia. Drug use is distressingly common around my backwater, and we've all heard the stories about meth and OxyContin addiction in rural areas. Don't be so sure that the boy isn't a pothead or worse. And why doesn't he have a driver's license yet anyway?
Where are this boy's parents, and what are they like? Maybe it's time to sit down with them for a chat and tell them to keep the boy away from your daughter. You can't stop her from seeing him (at least outside school)? Bet you can.
You said, "The girl just isn't going to ever have a 'regular' job anyway. And no college..." What does she expect to do—live off some "rich" guy as you mentioned above? Such as that loser boyfriend? And has she said that she doesn't plan/want to go to college? Please clarify. You might want to find out what other girls in the high school are thinking about their future and how much this influences your daughter; I'll bet you won't like what you find. That's why you pulled her out of the local high school, right? Same song, different verse in this other school, I'm sure.
And finally, would homeschooling be an option? No one has mentioned this yet. Someone needed to. Given the state of the public schools today everywhere, and increasingly the private and parochial schools as well, you might want to give this alternative some thought. And about the Catholic schools, they aren't all created equal, so check carefully. Several years ago the Norfolk paper carried an article giving the average SAT scores for seniors in area high schools, and the Norfolk-area Catholic high schools were near the bottom of the list with the lowest scores. The findings shocked me, and I'm pretty jaded. (Of course, the whole area did abysmally anyway, as southeastern Virginia has some of the most dumbed-downed schools in the country, but I digress...)
Pabs, I wish you luck with this situation.
She is not allowed to be alone with him or date......
The school she "goes to" is partial home school. I left that detail out.
She really doesn't have any friends that are girls anymore.
The school she "goes to" is partial home school. I left that detail out.
She really doesn't have any friends that are girls anymore.
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