Need Material for Laughs

BISCUT

BISCUT

Joined
Dec 28, 2011
Messages
5,436
My Queen and me like to joke around a lot when in public, especially waiting on lines. She is a pretty Latina...all woman...a lot going on if you know what I mean. She's not chunky but is a D, small waist, and a lot of rear!! Kryptonite for me. Example of the last one I pulled...She does well in gowns and tight fitting dresses. We spent the weekend in Newport, RI and were waiting to be seated at the Vanderbuilt Hotel for dinner. She was wearing a lower cut form fitting dress and I noticed a younger woman looking her up and down. So I gave her a hug and held her and said "Babe, the breast reduction surgery went to far; I think they are too small now, but I love you so I'll get over it." The look of horror on the younger woman's face was priceless. Even after being seated the woman was constantly looking over.....

I use the "Help, me! She hits me" line often too. Need some more material! Anyone else like to play around like this?
 
That kind of humor is sort of fringe-edge type behavior.
I, personally, think it's funny. But I do also understand where some would find it rude or offensive.
To each their own ...


I once was set up on a date many years ago; nice girl of which we had mutual friends. The friends just laid on the compliments on both sides; how perfect we'd be as a couple (no pressure there, right?). So the blind date was set up; just she and I went to dinner and a bar without the friends in tow. Admittedly, she was certainly a catch for someone, but we both knew soon that there was no chemistry between us. She was very attractive and likable; just didn't do it for me - and vice versa. It was very refreshing to be honest with each other and just admit it wasn't going anywhere. So we actually had a very nice date; almost as "friends" and no illusions of it going further. She had a very bent sense of dark humor; I can appreciate that. So we concocted a ruse to tell our friends how horrible the date went, as a means of yanking their collective chains. The next day, I told my friends how dumpy-looking she was, how boring she was, etc ... She told them how rude I was, how overbearing I was, etc ... All not true, but part of the joke. The friends were so horrified and apologetic; you could see the remorse in their eyes, as if they wished they'd never set us up. Then we revealed the truth a few days later; it was just a way of pranking them. As much as she and I thought their response was hysterical, they didn't see the humor in it.

Humor is in the eye of the beholder!
 
My wife always plays along when we are at a restaurant and it comes time to pay the bill. While the server is still there, I ask the wife which card should I use? She says, "use the stolen one". I then, without missing a beat, say, "yeah, he probably hasn't gotten out of all that duct tape yet to report it". Then I hand the server a card and smile. Some of the expressions are priceless.
 
"I would have reservations with any fine establishment that would seat me!"

"My wife and I went out to a restaurant run by the 7 Dwarfs.
The food was fantastic, but took forever since they were ridiculously short-staffed"

" We went to a fancy new French restaurant in the city. A voluptuous blond waitress seats us.
Immediately a bit out of my element, I said, "Can you tell me more about the menu please?
She blushed a bit and replied, "I am dating this new guy Frankie now. He seems pretty happy, but you'll have to ask him"

"I went into this new fancy restaurant and asked:
“Can I order some Sesame Chicken, please?”
The waiter said, “Sorry sir, this restaurant is fine French Cuisine!“
I said, "Oh, my bad. Then give me that Le poulet sésame, s”il vous plait !”

"I was out of town eating at some Italian restaurant. After a bit, the owner wandered by and offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp. I said, what is this some kind of squid pro quo!?"

_____________________________________________________
 
Last edited:
ARCOgraphite said:
"I would have reservations with any fine establishment that would seat me!"

"My wife and I went out to a restaurant run by the 7 Dwarfs.
The food was fantastic, but took forever since they were ridiculously short-staffed"

" We went to a fancy new French restaurant in the city. A voluptuous blond waitress seats us.
Immediately a bit out of my element, I said, "Can you tell me more about the menu please?
She blushed a bit and replied, "I am dating this new guy Frankie now. He seems pretty happy, but you'll have to ask him"

"I went into this new fancy restaurant and asked:
“Can I order some Sesame Chicken, please?”
The waiter said, “Sorry sir, this restaurant is fine French Cuisine!“
I said, "Oh, my bad. Then give me that Le poulet sésame, s”il vous plait !”

"I was out of town eating at some Italian restaurant. After a bit, the owner wandered by and offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp. I said, what is this some kind of squid pro quo!?"

_____________________________________________________
Click to expand...
Maybe I'm just as twisted, but I do find @BISCUT's "material" a lot more funny that that^... beaucoup plus adapté
 
Graham Piccinini said:
Maybe I'm just as twisted, but I do find @BISCUT's "material" a lot more funny that that^... beaucoup plus adapté
Click to expand...

There are many out there with zero sense of humor and I'm not saying mine is the bee's knees. My lady and me have met some really great couples we never knew messing around like this. Two weeks ago we were in a cafe in Hudson, NY we just stopped in as it looked cute. Messed around with election matters and the couple next to us chimed right in. They turned the tables on us!! We talked to them for half hour and had a drink with them and exchanged numbers to meet up.

I purposely did not mention what was said as it was political and not allowed here.
 
I have a friend who is quick thinking and likes to play with peoples minds. Many years ago, he was at his parents house, and his sister who lives on in California and had not been to visit him or his parents for over 3 years was visiting.

She told him that she had become a Born-Again-Christian, and finished that sentence with what are you now. Without even a fraction of a second pause, he replied I'm an Agnostic.

He had to reply with what he thought would get the strongest reaction from her, even though in reality he and his wife had just recently renewed there wedding vows at the local Catholic Church. Sometimes his sense of humor is enjoyable, sometimes it a waste of time, and sometimes he crosses a line or two.
 
JimPghPA said:
I have a friend who is quick thinking and likes to play with peoples minds. Many years ago, he was at his parents house, and his sister who lives on in California and had not been to visit him or his parents for over 3 years was visiting.

She told him that she had become a Born-Again-Christian, and finished that sentence with what are you now. Without even a fraction of a second pause, he replied I'm an Agnostic.

He had to reply with what he thought would get the strongest reaction from her, even though in reality he and his wife had just recently renewed there wedding vows at the local Catholic Church. Sometimes his sense of humor is enjoyable, sometimes it a waste of time, and sometimes he crosses a line or two.
Click to expand...
My college roommate was evangelical Christianbut one day he jokingly asked if the food I'd cooked was kosher. In my best shocked redneck voice I said, "I didn't know ya'll was Ee-pis-co-palian!" The joke was then on me when the bite he was eating was sprayed on my shirt from laughing.
 
One time I went to a local convenience store and in the parking lot a guy from the RC Airplane club was obviously winding up the sale of a used car with someone he had agreed to meet there. Knowing the personality of this guy from the club (he often won the raffles at the club meetings and one day at the meeting someone asked him how he won so many times, and he said that if he wants to buy a new radio or engine or airplane his wife ALWAYS asks him how much will he be spending, but if he tells her he won something at the meeting she has never asked how much he spent on tickets, so he was buying a lot of tickets every meeting), I could not resist, and started warning the buyer of all the reasons why no one should ever buy a car from this guy. The purchaser was standing there with a hand-full of big denomination US money, and taking it all in, and the guy from the airplane club was speechless. Then I let the buyer know that I was just having some fun at the sellers expense, and that Mark is an OK guy.
 
I sometimes walk up to the receptionist at a doctors office and say "I'll have a chocolate milk-shake, a large cheese-burger, and small fries."

Sometimes while a clerk is handing back my credit card, I tell them, "that new Cadillac you just bought is not going to clear on my card."
 
A DESCRIPTION OF A PUBLIC GAG FOLLOWS:
A coworker got fake tattoos and his wife applied them up the left side of her back from her waist and over the shoulder.
She donned a low cut, spaghetti strapped dress and they went to dinner.
Upon removing her jacket/shawl, the dining room went silent.

A good gag or an upsetting "reveal" not suited to a restaurant? You decide.

I put a "bold one" on my shoulder and the gal I was seeing squealed and shrieked for 4 seconds before saying, ".....Ohhh, it must be fake", then laughed.
 
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