Need Advice

[dlundblad]

Long and could be considered tacky by some so I apologize. This whole thing is just jumbled thoughts mashed into one.

My neighbor recently passed away. He as well as his wife are like grandparents to my brother and I. My moms mother passed away when I was about 12 and that pretty much sums it up. By law they were our God parents too.

This is where it gets tacky. She lives in a 300 acre farm and has about 5 acres to mow around the house. I have always told her if she needs any help she can always call/ text me anytime. So far the yard was getting mowed just fine and I didn't even think about it, but a few days ago she asked my brother to mow it every 1.5 weeks or so.. Turns out the neighbor down the road was mowing with his tractor and fuel. While I find this very nice of it, I wonder why he can no longer mow it? Turns out, 2 of her 6 kids live somewhat locally and her one son literally lives 3 miles away. Why cant they help i wonder? As of now, the very local son even has her tractor because his is "broken." It is an old International B and she refuses to drive it. Her husband bought it back in the 70's and she refused to drive it then too. Lol. (I am glad she knows her limitations.)

So basically now all the burden has been pushed onto my brother and of course me with capable family living in the area.

The one son who I am very close with lives about an hr away. I am tempted to get a hold of him and say we all need to get together and just alternate weekends. Between the 5 of us (we could possibly get more.), we'd each only have to mow a few times a summer assuming everyone pulls their own weight. I have no issues with helping, but I feel the duties can (and should) be shared.

Just being devils advocate, the one son living an hr away is a bit of a stretch, but then again if I was in his shoes, I'd be helping my mom. The other local guy would be her SIL.. is it his responsibility to mow the yard? The local guy that lives 3 miles away just aggravates me. I cant think of an excuse. He works full time and his wife is a stay at home mom. He has her tractor and can't even mow the yard for her.

Am I rude for thinking this is wrong? I am not saying my brother and I are too busy to do this, but that is no excuse for the extended family either. We all work full time, have huge yards of our own, are busy etc.

Thanks for any and all input guys.

 

[AandPDan]

I don't think you are rude for thinking that way at all. You are trying to help and I think going far above what would be expected.

The son living 3 miles away should be able to help. Has anyone talked to him? Maybe he's not aware that the grass isn't getting cut and mom may not have told him.

It was nice of your other neighbor to cut it but it can get expensive with time on the tractor and fuel.

You might give the neighbor a "nudge" by saying you'd like to mow but the fuel and wear on your tractor is a concern so you'd like to use HER tractor to mow. Translation - get it away from the son that isn't contributing.

Just my opinion.

 

[Kuato]

The fact that you said they're like your grandparents hasn't changed, so helping them (her) out makes sense. If you and your brother alternated, you'd be mowing every 3 weeks...not too bad. Take the cost off of your taxes as charity.

As far as the kids, maybe they didn't know that someone else was mowing it. Or...they don't care to help. Either way, I'd maybe let them know the situation but wouldn't make a big deal of it.

Overall, I'd have a talk with "Grandma" and let her know that if the grass doesn't get mowed, you'll help.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[DirkDiggler]

1) Family is punishment for a crime you did not commit. Wise words from a late uncle of mine

2) I would call the son an hour away and chat. He may fill you in on the situation. Maybe she was paying the neighbor. Maybe the family has been trying to get her to sell the farm and move somewhere more manageable for her. Maybe there are issues/bad blood in the family?

3) Yes, it is a burden on you and your brother. But you described her as a grandmother to you. I had a neighbor across the street who was a widower. I used my snowblower to clear his drive/sidewalk for several years. He would sit in the living room and wave from the window. sometimes, he would try to give me money, which I always refused. He died 2 yrs ago. after that, his son came over and thanked me. He said his dad always remarked how happy he was that my actions allowed him to get out and not be housebound. As a Christian, that is all that I needed. a lovely young couple with a growing family moved in and we get along well. sometimes, life has other ways of rewarding you.

 

[barkingspider]

Call the one family member that u are closest with and suggest your plan. I'm confident it'll work out. You and ur bros are good people for helping out

 

[Al]

I am not in your shoes. So its difficult to find the answer. Your thoughts are reasonable and it sounds like you have the right spirit and a dose of common sense. Do what you can without feeling you are being used.

Bad news never gets better with age. Address the situation to your satisfaction and move on.

 

[Leo99]

Who takes care of the other 295 acres of the farm?

5 acres is a big lawn to mow to help out a neighbor.

Your issue is not tacky at all. No good deed goes unpunished...

Why can't the family or the lady hire a lawn service? Mowing someone's lawn while they're on vacation or in the hospital once or twice is neighborly. Taking full responsibility for a 5 acre lawn is being taken advantaged of.

 

[AlienBug]

Originally Posted By: DirkDiggler


2) I would call the son an hour away and chat. He may fill you in on the situation. Maybe she was paying the neighbor. Maybe the family has been trying to get her to sell the farm and move somewhere more manageable for her. Maybe there are issues/bad blood in the family?


This is what I was thinking. Time for a senior living condo.

 

[Oldmoparguy1]

If it were me, I would retrieve the tractor and manage the mowing myself, maybe with the help your brother. After all, you did offer.

 

[eljefino]

I like your plan of having the son appear every other mowing to help his mom. He can also check and make sure she's keeping the inside of the house okay, is keeping up her hygiene, paying bills, mentally there, washing dishes, etc. When it's every third weekend or so it's not much of a burden.

 

[JHZR2]

It seems like a good move to help if the death was recent. There's lots of things to do to get one's new affairs in order. Perhaps the local kids are helping with other stuff. I recall how long it took for my Grandmother to finally get all the accounts in one name, estate settled, etc.

So this may just be a helpful task for a time. I certainly wouldnt want to make a habit of mowing five acres.

I like the idea of asking to use another tractor, since of course yours is unreliable and youre worried about it breaking down and not being able to mow your yard. This will at least bring the need to have some investment in mowing gear brought forward.

If they are really close, at some point you can always have a heart to heart about the kids/job/travel/etc being too much to keep up with the mowing. I wouldnt be ashamed to do that. Doing a favor in a tough time is far different than a recurring duty...

 

[dlundblad]

Appreciate the input guys. Ill try to address the comments.

In regards to the local son, his wife told my 'rents the day of the funeral that they need to take of my neighbor because she is too busy. That said, I am assuming they are well aware of the yard needing mowed and that they are taking advantage of her by using her tractor etc.

I find it odd she said that because she (neighbor) doesn't need "taken care of." For her being an older person, she is very sharp and gets around quite well. They both took good care of themselves as long as I can remember.

While she lives on a 300 acre place, the house is on 5 acres and the rest is either fields or woods. The fields are rented out to farmers. I cant really think of anything that'll need done around the property besides plowing her long driveway (Which I have full responsibly of in the winter.)

I think she is looking into some sort of apartment thing, but that was all I've heard on the grapevine.

You all are right. She is my grandmother which is why I felt bad asking this question. The full responsibility with the local able family is what has me hesitant. (for lack of better terms.)

 

[JHZR2]

Originally Posted By: dlundblad


In regards to the local son, his wife told my 'rents the day of the funeral that they need to take of my neighbor because she is too busy. That said, I am assuming they are well aware of the yard needing mowed and that they are taking advantage of her by using her tractor etc.



What?!?

The wife (an inlaw and no more related than you guys) shouldnt be talking about family affairs.

You and your parents should be talking to the kid/his mother directly to ensure that she is properly cared for. The situation shouldnt be delegated by a non-blood any more than you non-bloods should be on the hook. Being willing to help is wonderful and noble, but you need the situation to be worked out properly.

 

[dlundblad]

I thought it was tacky too. They are an odd family though. He had an older S10 with ugly steel rims. One day he woke up and decided to swap them with the alloy rims from his dads newer S10. It was that way for about 5 years until he asked for them back. The tires werent in the original condition though. They just do odd stuff like that.. Its hard to say what goes through his head.

I think the plan is that ill talk to the son about the alternating weekends and see about using the old International rather than ours. I imagine it'd be easier this way to ask for fuel $$$. Plus less hrs added to our tractor.