married guys, need help...

[Schmoe]

Fellow married brethren, need some guidance. My father in law passed away Friday morning and now all the funeral arrangements are coming to a head. Wife is starting to freak out and she is the only one doing all the "work," you know, funeral arrangment, obit, music, dates, times, etc. etc. the rest of her siblings are (ucking idiots and are not helping or doing their fair share of the leg work and it's starting to eat at my wife. I've been on Dad patrol so that she doesn't at least have to worry about that, but I'm lost for words to console her, I guess. I am just immune to these things since my father passed away two years ago. This was an unexpected death, he was relatively young, 58 years. Shock factor is now kicking in with my mother in law. Make matters harder on my wife, her mother is from Vietnam and doesn't read or write English so my wife is having to do that for her through the will reading, setting up bill payments, documents, etc. etc.
Just wondering what all I could do to make her feel better. Got any experiences or ideas? Would love to hear about them and maybe put some of them to good use. I did get her a dozen flowers yesterday but I can tell in her eyes that she is off in a far away place. Her and her father were pretty tight as he was not her biological father, but raised her from infancy. Never knew the real dad, but to her, he was the "real" Dad.

 

[1sttruck]

Having family around can help a lot, especially if you find someone in the family to help with arrangements.

 

[Shannow]

Schmoe,
we went through similar a month ago, with my partner's mother. Fortunately her Dad was the central focus here, and he was able to help.

With Kerry, I found that in spite of her gripes about siblings etc., her keeping busy, and doing things "just the way Mum would have wanted it" was the greatest consolation to her.

Her brothers (same term you used above) had their opinions, but had no idea...it was better that she did the majority of the work IMHO.

As the day gets closer, be prepared for you and the kids to get yelled at (a lot).

I've noticed that after the funeral has been the hardest for her. Time to think, and the "what if "s set in.

My condolences.

 

[wavinwayne]

I can empathize with you. I lost my Father 14 years ago, & my wife lost her dear Grandmother last year. The best advice I can give is to simply give emotional support the best you can, & give your wife your shoulder to cry on......& be strong ; she needs you to be.

Fact of the matter.....I can't really say much to help you, except maybe this; I have faith in G0D, & I have just finished praying that He will comfort your wife & her family as only He can in this time of loss.

May He bless, comfort & provide for all your family's needs in this time of sorrow.

 

[Schmoe]

Thanks...the "what-ifs" have already started by her mother and the yelling campaing is well underway.....anyway, good stuff.

 

[Racerjk]

My wife's Dad died ten years ago in January.

It's not an easy thing, and it still hurts her even after all these years. You just need to be there for her and be patient with her!

 

[GROUCHO MARX]

Hug her and kiss her.

 

[ShortBuSX]

quote:

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but I'm lost for words to console her, I guess. I am just immune to these things since my father passed away two years ago.

---

Why? You just went through similar circumsatances...why cant you relate? And the thing is...you dont have to say anything, just be supportive and be there for her to cry on your shoulder...really dont say anything, youll likely screw it up(you know women). I mean, was there something/anything that somebody had said that made you feel better? And if the answer is yes, you might try that.

How was she when you went through your loss? Id think that was the key as to how you might handle this with her.

 

[Johnny]

Schmoe:

Hang in there brother, we are praying for you. I believe you live in Chickasha. If so, I have family there if you need a support group or just someone to talk to. They just went through this about 7 months ago.

All the best.

 

[The_Jeff]

Shortbus is right.

Be there and be quiet.

We're all pulling for you.

 

[michaelc80]

My mother in law died just over 2 years ago. My wife does not handle death well, and she was in charge of nearly everything. Since her mom lived in Colorado and we are in Iowa we only had a few short days in which to handle it.

A couple times I had to sit her down and reinterate that she needed to be strong-a little tug back into reality.

I've always thought that how we handle death is at least as important as how we handle life. Death is a part of everyones life and you need to put it all in perspective. After all, you will be seeing the deceased again someday so this is only a temporary situation.

 

[Schmoe]

Thanks. I appreciate the insight on some of these issues. Yeah, Chickasha is where I lay my hat, so to speak. When my Dad passed, he was home in Clarksville TN. Our daughter was 3 weeks old and it was in December, cold. She stayed at the house with our daughter and I went solo up there to take care of things. Got drunk a lot during that time.

 

[ikeepmychevytoo]

Haven't married but I know the agony of such losses. My condolences.

May be this is just me... but don't let her do the legwork, it is especially exhausting for her. More emotionally than physically. When my father died one of his cousins arranged many things. Relatives did not let me do anything. It would be easier for you, so you are a good candidate. Times like these are the opporunities to know your real friends.

 

[ShortBuSX]

So what was your approach?

 

[Schmoe]

I just went into SuperDad mode. We have a 2 year old and for those of you that know, they can be quite a handful and be very demanding. Since I couldn't be with her and her family during the funeral prep stuff, we live about 45 miles from them, I took care of everything at our house and made it so she wouldn't have to worry about any of that stuff. A first time mother will worry you to death....

 

[Schmoe]

Thanks for the input, finally all over but I do want to add something. For any of you veterns out there, or your fathers, mothers or in-laws that would like a military burial, I must insist that you look at the new National Veterns Cemetery in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, if your fairly close by. One of the most beautiful ceremonies I've ever seen. Actual live trumpet player playing taps. Very professional and highly recommended. It will bring tears to your eyes if you've never experienced it.