Warning, these are mean in the spirit they were intended!
Dan
**********************************
I was at my regular pub the other night when big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager.
Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
I was confused by this remark so asked him, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???"
Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."
*************************************************
Mr. Benton had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Angie.....cold as usual."
**************************************************
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation, "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
"Over my dead body!"
"You haven't changed a bit"
**************************************************
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
*************************************************
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
**************************************************
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
***************************************
This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at
the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's
been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
***********************************************
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
**************************************************
BTW, on my ex's birthday Wednesday this week I am going to post a dedication to her to signify how happy I am not having to be around the shrew anymore...
Dan
[ September 20, 2004, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: Dan4510 ]
Dan
**********************************
I was at my regular pub the other night when big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and ordered a pint of his favorite lager.
Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
I was confused by this remark so asked him, "Why on earth would you want to know such a thing???"
Alex leaned closer and explained: "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week..."
*************************************************
Mr. Benton had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Angie.....cold as usual."
**************************************************
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation, "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
"Over my dead body!"
"You haven't changed a bit"
**************************************************
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
*************************************************
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
**************************************************
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
***************************************
This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at
the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well," the woman continued, "he's
been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
***********************************************
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
**************************************************
BTW, on my ex's birthday Wednesday this week I am going to post a dedication to her to signify how happy I am not having to be around the shrew anymore...
Dan
[ September 20, 2004, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: Dan4510 ]
