Being Highly Responsible in a Me-Me-Me World.

[turtlevette]

Originally Posted By: Turk


20 YO is on Summer break from a highly-regarded Private College.


That sounds like a landscaper in training. Probably some useless degree. Tell them mowing the grass will be good practice for what they're most likely to end up doing.

My neighbors kids went to the university of Hawaii. The boy returned and worked a year as a sports therapist, but is now really getting aggressive starting his own landscaping business. He lives with his parents and I only see his mother mowing the grass. I've never seen any of her kids mow.

 

[BRZED]

Originally Posted By: Turk
The Teens are on their iPhones, & other small electronics ALL the time. Barely lift a finger. I ask they don't want to help.

I ask the Teens to help mow the lawn because my body hurts so bad, they say "not me", other one says nothing, then meltdown, start crying and play the victim card. BUT, then they go to an expensive Gym to expend their energy!


I'm a bit confused. I never hear anybody refer to their kids as "their teens," which sounds unpersonal and detached. So I want to know if you talk about your own kids or your grandkids or anybody else's kids.

EDIT: Just saw in another post these are your step kids. Who raised them and at what age dud you come into each other's lives? I can see how there may have been a lack of influence you could exert on them while growing up. If they were not little kids, I would expect a step child to feel resentment towards the step parent, simply bcause "You are not my real father." And maybe as a step parent you felt you could not be firm with then when they needed it? Seems like it could be a very difficult situation for everyine involved and I don't envy you for it.

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
My take on this situation. The 20 yr old needs to get a job and pay for her luxuries,bills,lifestyle,etc. The 17 yr old's bills need to be payed by her father (unless you've legally adopted her).

Man I feel for you. It'd have to be a difficult thing to discipline someone else's kids. I don't think I'd be able to do it.


Yep, the 20 YO has a 40 hour a week job at Mickie D's. Same place for the past 4 years.

I think the cell phone addiction in Teens is worse than most can imagine.

 

[dlundblad]

Turk, if these are your step kids, (your kids) you need to lay the hammer down on them.

They are just a product of what they are permitted to do.

*be careful what you old folk say about cell phones. Just last week the girlfriend and I (early 20s) were walking around at the mall holding hands making fun at all the old folk with mobile devices stuffed in their faces. Heck other couples of all ages were holding onto cell phones not paying attention to each other. Teens aren't the issue folks. It's society.

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: BRZED
Originally Posted By: Turk
The Teens are on their iPhones, & other small electronics ALL the time. Barely lift a finger. I ask they don't want to help.

I ask the Teens to help mow the lawn because my body hurts so bad, they say "not me", other one says nothing, then meltdown, start crying and play the victim card. BUT, then they go to an expensive Gym to expend their energy!


I'm a bit confused. I never hear anybody refer to their kids as "their teens," which sounds unpersonal and detached. So I want to know if you talk about your own kids or your grandkids or anybody else's kids.


I've never used that either. It's easy & descriptive to say that online so people don't keep asking how old they are.

 

[Mr Nice]

Turk,

Maybe suggest joining the military.

Both my sons were air traffic controllers in the USAF, 6 years later they are both doing very well, bought a house, no help from mom and dad.

After 22 years old, an adult should be self sufficient. Must take back the pacifier and give them a kick on their butts.

 

[BRZED]

Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: BRZED
Originally Posted By: Turk
The Teens are on their iPhones, & other small electronics ALL the time. Barely lift a finger. I ask they don't want to help.

I ask the Teens to help mow the lawn because my body hurts so bad, they say "not me", other one says nothing, then meltdown, start crying and play the victim card. BUT, then they go to an expensive Gym to expend their energy!


I'm a bit confused. I never hear anybody refer to their kids as "their teens," which sounds unpersonal and detached. So I want to know if you talk about your own kids or your grandkids or anybody else's kids.


I've never used that either. It's easy & descriptive to say that online so people don't keep asking how old they are.

I edited my previous post after seeing this was about you abd your step kids. I have to ask if you like each other or if you at least get along otherwise. Also, does the mother at least suggest to the kids to help you out when you or shr wants or needs help? As for providing them with all modern conveniences free of charge, you may want to limit their aacces somewhat, because they surely take it all for granted simply out of habit. You probably should not remove their privileges altogether, since that will cause resentment and retaliation. It sounds like your step kids need a little quid pro quo in their lives.

 

[Turk]

BRZED,

Yea, we get along some, no real issues or drama. They just want to be in their rooms, for many hours at a time.

They sit there, or lay there motionless for many hours. We let them know they need to move around, etc. but it's only the Gym.

We also mention only be on the cell/ipad for 20 minutes, then off 30 minutes as eye doctors say the blue light is hard on the eyes.

They cannot go to the bathroom without taking their cell phones with them, that is just sheer addiction to me. Is it just me?

 

[wrcsixeight]

It is a Digital addiction and it is as unhealthy as any other addiction.

They however cannot and will not realize it until they suffer symptoms of deprivation.

Make them give up their phones and laptops and tablets for a week. Easy to say, hard to do.

I'm no parent, never wanted to be, never will be, but I see this same behavior and sense of entitlement in all my friend's kids. They were given digital pacifiers as children and now their brains are wired differently than in all generations before.

A Digital Detox is in order, and I should take this advice myself.

 

[BRZED]

Originally Posted By: Turk
BRZED,

Yea, we get along some, no real issues or drama. They just want to be in their rooms, for many hours at a time.

They sit there, or lay there motionless for many hours. We let them know they need to move around, etc. but it's only the Gym.

We also mention only be on the cell/ipad for 20 minutes, then off 30 minutes as eye doctors say the blue light is hard on the eyes.

They cannot go to the bathroom without taking their cell phones with them, that is just sheer addiction to me. Is it just me?



Sounds normal. Of course, shooting for something above normal is not a bad thing. I firmy believe in quid pro quo, even if it requires some form encouragement, stimulation, motivation, or force.

 

[Nick1994]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Yeah you can't really take away their cell phones, BUT...

It only takes about 30 seconds to log into the router and change the wifi password. Tell them they'll get the new password when they do what they need to do. If they don't do it then let them run up the data on their dad's data plan, not your problem. Eventually they'll start to do more.


Wait, what? You mean there are STILL people with limited data plans?!
Where can you find an unlimited data plan? I just looked on AT&T's website and Verizon's website and AT&T goes up to 50GB and Verizon goes up to 100GB both for crazy prices.

Sprint and T-Mobile are both garbage, so don't include them.

 

[01rangerxl]

Even though you are their step father, rules should still apply if you are providing support/shelter. If you are providing parental-type support, they should reciprocate with following your rules under your roof. Your wife is going to have to back you up though.

Not a direct parallel to your story, but one of my aunts got herself in a crazy situation. She spent her retirement savings getting custody of two teens she had helped care for all of their lives (long, bad story). Their biological mother was a violent alcoholic and drug addict who wound up committing suicide. My aunt has done everything in her power to make sure they have no hardship since, and she has paid the price for it. One trashed her house, conned a laptop out of her (she bought it on the premise he would enroll in community college), and was generally totally ungrateful for her totally supporting him. He wound up moving in with his biological father and cutting off contact with my aunt. A good thing for her, though she is unhappy about the outcome even though she got rid of one albatross. The other is now 28 and still highly dependent on my aunt, though at least he isn't bat [censored] crazy like his younger half brother. He can't seem to do anything on his own at all though. He is totally dependent on my aunt to handle things like taxes, insurance, contracts, etc. She just does things for him without making him learn how to handle it on his own, and just says "well, it's his ADHD." Here's the thing about the ADHD...he refuses to take medication for it. On top of that, he was supposed to be paying her rent, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't paid her anything for the better part of a year. She buys all his food and a lot of his gas, while he drinks craft beer and smokes cigarettes all the time. She has even let him use her debit card to buy cigarettes even though she objects to him smoking. He is somewhat employed, but it's a variable situation and he has been through countless jobs, and it doesn't really matter since he doesn't contribute. My aunt has somewhat acknowledged that her way of doing things is not sustainable, but also won't force any kind of change. It's just plain crazy, but the lack of rules and expectations has allowed it to happen.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Irony: People talking about other people being addicted to electronics, on the internet.

Now I'm going to go smoke a bowl, so I can organize my thoughts on how too many people use drugs these days.

 

[doitmyself]

Turk, maybe some professional counseling for you is in order. Does your workplace have an Employee Assistance Program to get you started? Certainly, the arm chair quarterback advice offered here is indicative that most simply don't understand ALL of the dynamics and complexity of your situation (it also didn't help that you doled out information in bits and pieces).

Your original post shows that some of the problem lies with you. You set very high standards for yourself, while at the same time seem to be an enabler to those that irritate you and fall short of your expectations(step kids and coworkers).

Realize that your "bailing out others" at home and work is to satisfy your own needs and standards. Work hard to please yourself, not others. This removes the burden of being miffed/stressed about the slackers. They will get their just rewards in due time. I think it is unrealistic to expect others to sometimes change and/or meet your standards (sad, but true).

Get some help with this. Change some of your ideas about yourself. It's near impossible to change others, ESPECIALLY in your circumstances (work and home).

Best of luck in a situation that is more complex than most here acknowledge.

 

[Andrew1972]

Tough spot. Do you have experience of your own kids or just step children?

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Yeah you can't really take away their cell phones, BUT...

It only takes about 30 seconds to log into the router and change the wifi password. Tell them they'll get the new password when they do what they need to do. If they don't do it then let them run up the data on their dad's data plan, not your problem. Eventually they'll start to do more.


Wait, what? You mean there are STILL people with limited data plans?!
Where can you find an unlimited data plan? I just looked on AT&T's website and Verizon's website and AT&T goes up to 50GB and Verizon goes up to 100GB both for crazy prices.

Sprint and T-Mobile are both garbage, so don't include them.


I have had an unlimited plan with Virgin Mobile for about six years now.

 

[expat]

I would imagine your step kids would not take kindly to you.

This would be normal.

Think about it, how would you feel if a 'substitute' parent came into your life (when you were in your teens)
It would be the exception IF they gave a darn about you.

To be honest, from the nickname you had at work, it seems you may have the tendency to be a pain in the..... neck.

If I were your teenage step kids (I am 59 so that takes some imagination) I might hide in my room and hope you might just go away.

Good luck, YOU decided to take on this family, not just your wife.

I really get the feeling we are only getting one side of the situation here.

 

[aquariuscsm]

Originally Posted By: expat
I would imagine your step kids would not take kindly to you.

This would be normal.

Think about it, how would you feel if a 'substitute' parent came into your life (when you were in your teens)


I agree with this 200%. A broken family is hardest on the kids,especially teenaged ones. Father or mother walks out on them (this is how it feels to them),and suddenly here's this stranger telling them what to do. The way they're feeling,"He/she is not my father/mother,they can't tell me what to do!". Broken families can really hurt kids and they'll react to it in different ways.

 

[Nick1994]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
Originally Posted By: Nick1994
Yeah you can't really take away their cell phones, BUT...

It only takes about 30 seconds to log into the router and change the wifi password. Tell them they'll get the new password when they do what they need to do. If they don't do it then let them run up the data on their dad's data plan, not your problem. Eventually they'll start to do more.


Wait, what? You mean there are STILL people with limited data plans?!
Where can you find an unlimited data plan? I just looked on AT&T's website and Verizon's website and AT&T goes up to 50GB and Verizon goes up to 100GB both for crazy prices.

Sprint and T-Mobile are both garbage, so don't include them.


I have had an unlimited plan with Virgin Mobile for about six years now.
Virgin Mobile LOL

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
Originally Posted By: expat
I would imagine your step kids would not take kindly to you.

This would be normal.

Think about it, how would you feel if a 'substitute' parent came into your life (when you were in your teens)


I agree with this 200%. A broken family is hardest on the kids,especially teenaged ones. Father or mother walks out on them (this is how it feels to them),and suddenly here's this stranger telling them what to do. The way they're feeling,"He/she is not my father/mother,they can't tell me what to do!". Broken families can really hurt kids and they'll react to it in different ways.


Right! My wife was single for 10 years before we got married.

The kids like me, don't anyone get that wrong! And in reading above, it's not what others are saying, it's that I've been TOO EASY GOING & not setting standards, NOT expecting too much...

This one time I ask for help in 5 years is not expecting too much & have too high of standards!

I'd rather not just concentrate on "kids now-a-days", it's with very many adults too. Very few adults "step-up-to-the-plate" anymore and get involved or fulfill their responsibilities.

I just had to cancel a Fishing Trip because an adult did not fulfill their responsibility. Having my chest sawed open a few months ago, I probably should not have been exerting myself way too much with lifting many heavy things, but this HAD to get done & there was no choice. So, here comes Mr. Responsible to cancel all plans and do it.

That is the issue...