Being Highly Responsible in a Me-Me-Me World.

[cashmoney]

Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...



100% agree. Kids need purpose, direction, and discipline set by parents. As one example our kids were always expected to participate/help in dinner - either help with prep, cooking, or cleanup. Don't want to help?....no problem...then you don't get to eat, etc.

Everyone had chores and responsibilities to assist with general living and house keeping. Result has been pretty nicely behaved responsible kids.

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...


Mrs. Turk (A Cambodian Holocaust Survivor...) is absolutely on board. See, me being a successful middle-aged white male and them being minority girls, I constantly give the the benefit & be very highly respectful. WAY more than I would if they were white or my own kids.

Mrs. Turk tells me "I don't know what to do. I tell them, yell at them and they do very little. They go up to their rooms and sit there for hours. What else do I do??"

 

[Turk]

Originally Posted By: cashmoney
Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...



100% agree. Kids need purpose, direction, and discipline set by parents. As one example our kids were always expected to participate/help in dinner - either help with prep, cooking, or cleanup. Don't want to help?....no problem...then you don't get to eat, etc.

Everyone had chores and responsibilities to assist with general living and house keeping. Result has been pretty nicely behaved responsible kids.


They help wash the dishes, that's about it.

Then, immediately back up to their rooms, looking at their Cell Phones while walking up the stairs. Then sit there. For Hours.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Originally Posted By: BMWTurboDzl
Hate to break it to you but they're no different than prior generations. They just have more luxuries due to advancements in technology.


My grandfather grew up being told about how his generation was a bunch of yahoos and playboys, wasting away their future drinking, sitting on their butt watching moving pictures instead of reading books, listening to that wild nasty jazz music, dressed up like clowns, hanging with loose women in those jazz clubs, making a bunch of fools out of themselves. Even as soldiers in WW2, they had it easy, riding around everywhere in Jeep's and flying their aero-planes.

Nothing needs to be said about my father's generation. Bunch of long-haired, pot-smoking, vagrant, checked-out, [censored]-mongering hippies who would never amount to anything.

My older brothers? Generation X. The undefined generation. The generation of nothing, that stood up for nothing, represented nothing, and would accomplish nothing.

Generation gaps are always going to result in culture shocks and misunderstanding.

 

[cashmoney]

Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...


Mrs. Turk (A Cambodian Holocaust Survivor...) is absolutely on board. See, me being a successful middle-aged white male and them being minority girls, I constantly give the the benefit & be very highly respectful. WAY more than I would if they were white or my own kids.

Mrs. Turk tells me "I don't know what to do. I tell them, yell at them and they do very little. They go up to their rooms and sit there for hours. What else do I do??"




Stop giving them any money for anything, turn off their internet, stop doing their laundry, and stop buying food and just you two go out for meals for a couple of weeks. Let them know that once they finally start doing their part you will again do your part. Being a Parent is not a title, it is an activity.

 

[Pop_Rivit]

Originally Posted By: Turk
They're my Step-Kids. I don't dare tell them to do anything. I ask one time in 5 years and they went into meltdown.

Oh, but I gave up my home for them to finish up their high school in their city they lived in (after my wife & I agreed to sell her house...)

See? Ultra caring & giving, Ultra responsible and look where it gets me. Adults too.


So rather than be the adult and require some discipline in your household, you're simply agreeing to enable them to continue down the same path. By your own admission you've only asked once in 5 years, and now you "don't dare tell them to do anything".

Since they are stepchildren, it's not as though the issues are a surprise. You knew the potential issues going in, it's clear you either never discussed or agreed with your now-wife about the boundaries and parental duties, and now you're complaining even though you claim you can't do anything.

A parent (even a step parent) who does nothing more than sit around complaining about the kids is just as guilty as the kids.

 

[cpayne5]

Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: cashmoney
Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...



100% agree. Kids need purpose, direction, and discipline set by parents. As one example our kids were always expected to participate/help in dinner - either help with prep, cooking, or cleanup. Don't want to help?....no problem...then you don't get to eat, etc.

Everyone had chores and responsibilities to assist with general living and house keeping. Result has been pretty nicely behaved responsible kids.


They help wash the dishes, that's about it.

Then, immediately back up to their rooms, looking at their Cell Phones while walking up the stairs. Then sit there. For Hours.



Well, take away the cell phones for starter. Take away their privileges and luxuries incrementally until they start exhibiting the behavior you want.

You're complaining about your own enabling and admitted inability (personal choice) to do anything about it.

Gotta take that first step.

 

[Astro14]

On to specifics then...

At 18:00 tonight, when dishes are washed and kids head upstairs.

1. Wifi gets unplugged.
2. Call the cell phone company and suspend their service immediately(costs $10 to do that, ask me how I know).
3. Family meeting.

You and Mrs. Turk need to set ground rules, the strategy, long before that moment. You both agree to the terms and conditions under which they EARN their phones and internet back. If there is a car involved, same thing: how will they earn it back?

Then, calmly, quietly, explain your expectations, how they should meet them and how they can earn their privileges back. Do NOT budge on your position. Whining, complaining, criticism, will not be tolerated. Those behaviours don't meet expectations.

Be certain that they understand that this is an ongoing deal. They will lose privileges again, and for longer, should they fail in meeting expectations.

You're obligated to provide education, shelter, clothing, food. The rest is luxury. The rest is privilege. Even the kind of food is luxury. (Treats can be stopped too.)

Yelling is pointless. Inside their heads, the monologue is "yeah, whatever, so Mom's yelling...". Be prepared to leave things off until the behaviour is corrected. Be prepared to cut it off again.

This won't happen in a night. You've got to re-define their roles in the family. It will be a long road.

The alternative is to raise spoiled kids...and that's the ultimate cruelty - to let them grow up to be self-entitled losers...

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp
Originally Posted By: BMWTurboDzl
Hate to break it to you but they're no different than prior generations. They just have more luxuries due to advancements in technology.


My grandfather grew up being told about how his generation was a bunch of yahoos and playboys, wasting away their future drinking, sitting on their butt watching moving pictures instead of reading books, listening to that wild nasty jazz music, dressed up like clowns, hanging with loose women in those jazz clubs, making a bunch of fools out of themselves. Even as soldiers in WW2, they had it easy, riding around everywhere in Jeep's and flying their aero-planes.

Nothing needs to be said about my father's generation. Bunch of long-haired, pot-smoking, vagrant, checked-out, [censored]-mongering hippies who would never amount to anything.

My older brothers? Generation X. The undefined generation. The generation of nothing, that stood up for nothing, represented nothing, and would accomplish nothing.

Generation gaps are always going to result in culture shocks and misunderstanding.


You're lucky you weren't a Gen X'er. It's no fun being in your prime earning yrs getting caught by two stock market bubbles and sitting behind baby boomers who weren't ready to retire.

 

[goodtimes]

My parents never asked me once to do a chore. I did them without being asked. I helped when I saw help was needed. I did them better than my dad, like mowing, weeding by hand etc, as he was a machinist, getting older as we all do, and came home exhausted every day. I am actually a lot lazier now, that's why I am on this PC right now. I am escaping from chores.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: Astro14
Turk - they're spoiled. Plain and simple. And if Mrs. Turk isn't on your side, then you're not going to be able to change that.

I've got three stepkids. Great kids, all of them. But there were moments when their "compass" needed...calibration...With the support of Mrs. Astro...that...calibration...was successful.

Car keys, internet, even their rooms, are all provided by you. You control those things...so you have leverage, which, when correctly applied, can help them lose that sense of entitlement...


Mrs. Turk (A Cambodian Holocaust Survivor...) is absolutely on board. See, me being a successful middle-aged white male and them being minority girls, I constantly give the the benefit & be very highly respectful. WAY more than I would if they were white or my own kids.

Mrs. Turk tells me "I don't know what to do. I tell them, yell at them and they do very little. They go up to their rooms and sit there for hours. What else do I do??"



Wow. For real? You're letting white guilt get in the way of you being an effective parent?

The problem here is it seems you haven't gone out of your way to set some ground rules from the get-go.

It certainly is a delicate situation, since they were put into a situation they never really wanted or asked for, but there still has to be order. Truly establishing authority is probably a lost cause at this point, but there should still be a system of basic respect.

 

[BISCUT]

I don't get all the talk and blame for that matter on the devices and WiFi. My kids are all over it (4, 7, 9). But it's up to ME as the parent to control it. That is what I do. I grew up on a farm so I know what work is. My kids have it easy, but they have chores and I make them do IXL (math online) and read every day even though it's summer. My kids read "normal" paper books as well as Nook Books. To me, education is everything and a Master's is just a requirement of life. I tend to be relentless on this issue but my kids are (so far) pretty good. Happy, popular and socially adept, baseball, football, and basketball.

I see WiFi as an evil bugger but also a means to aid learning. When did it become wrong to run your kids lives?

 

[DoubleWasp]

Quote:

You're lucky you weren't a Gen X'er. It's no fun being in your prime earning yrs getting caught by two stock market bubbles and sitting behind baby boomers who weren't ready to retire.


Yeah, that was a crazy deal to be sure. When I first started working at 16, I was very surprised to see how many older people were working along with me after being wiped out, laid off or whatever. It was just sad. I knew they resented having to work the same job as a teenager.

 

[cashmoney]

Every generation has its challenges. Some challenges much more profound then others. How would you like to have been a 15 year old Jewish girl in Nazi occupied Holland in 1941? How would you have liked to turn 18 in the US on Dec 7, 1941? Or being a young man just turning 19 in 1965 at the height of the Vietnam war and the mandatory military draft? I could go on and on.

 

[DoubleWasp]

Originally Posted By: cashmoney
Every generation has its challenges. Some challenges much more profound then others. How would you like to have been a 15 year old Jewish girl in Nazi occupied Holland in 1941? How would you have liked to turn 18 in the US on Dec 7, 1941? Or being a young man just turning 19 in 1965 at the height of the Vietnam war and the mandatory military draft? I could go on and on.


The point is that the generation bashing is pointless. The world will continue to turn.

 

[opus1]

Quote:


You're lucky you weren't a Gen X'er. It's no fun being in your prime earning yrs getting caught by two stock market bubbles and sitting behind baby boomers who weren't ready to retire.


With companies phasing out pension plans and replacing them with 401(k)s, chances are that those bubbles caught a number of the boomers and they can't afford to retire...

Not to worry, as a tail-end boomer or early X'er depending on who does the classifying, I plan to retire as soon as I can and get out of your way.

 

[KrisZ]

Originally Posted By: Jarlaxle
One problem: every child has the nuclear option. That being :"Daddy touched me."


Not a problem at all. My kids are way to young to understand the above, however each of them was instructed the first day of school to call 911 if mommy or daddy yell at them.
Well, I'm sure that's not how the teachers told them, but that's how they interpreted it. I know because they told us immediately after coming home, "daddy, mommy guess what number I can call if you yell at me?".

Instead of being afraid of our own kids and the system, we sat down the same day and explained what will happen if they make such a call. We also explained that they should call 911 if the see violence in the house, but it's only for emergencies and not when they feel mad at their parents. You would be surprised at their reaction. They said they want to have their parent and will not call 911. The schools never explain to children the repercussions of making such a call.

In other words, don't be afraid of your children no matter what age. Talk to them and explain what will happen once the authorities are involved. It is almost never a good outcome for the family, unless it is truly a dysfunctional one.

We had the talk with each of our children about the 911 calls at age 5. It surprised us and was a relief that they understood it all and had some questions of their own about it.

 

[TxHeat]

Truism;
5% of the people are willing to do the work ..... and 95% are willing to let 'em.

 

[HerrStig]

Virtue is seldom its' own reward.

 

[Phishin]

Originally Posted By: Turk
Originally Posted By: John_K
My parents didn't ask they just said "mow the lawn". I knew things would be taken away if I didn't. Maybe you need to take that approach.

John


They're my Step-Kids. I don't dare tell them to do anything. I ask one time in 5 years and they went into meltdown.


I'm on my second wife. She brought two children into our marriage. I have full custody of my son, from my previous marriage. So, we have 3 children at home. Two of them are my step children.

My kids are 11, 10, and 9. My biological son is the 10 year old.

The other two kids don't help around the house at all. My 10 year old is a MACHINE!! He helps me NON-STOP. I expect it and he steps up to the plate. I run a small "hobby farm"....goats, rabbits, and a miniature donkey, and he spends 1.5 hours every day helping me do chores....before he does his homework. He is very well behaved.

The other two won't help me do anything. EVER. They are my step kids.

My wife won't let me be forceful with them. She will tear my head off. It's not worth the fight.

The day is coming when I pay the price for not putting my foot down and being the disciplinarian for ALL 3 KIDS!!!