A gift promised then nothing received?

[JHZR2]

Looking for some suggestions from the pretty level headed bitog crowd. I recently had a pretty big achievement, and a party close to us stated they were going to give a gift. That's wonderful, really nice and appreciated. The time came and went that the achievement occurred, we celebrated (with the other party included), no gift.

I'll say right away that it is not about the gift. It was really nice of them to tell me they were giving me something great, but they didn't have to. I sure appreciate it, and would have been appreciative if it was provided, but it wasn't. What gets me is that they didn't even give me a congratulatory card, no card or gifts when others were giving them, and nothing or any mention since. Again, it's not about the gift, if anything gets me, it's more that a card and/or a nice note would have been appreciated.

So it's really uncomfortable. Do I just let it die? I don't want it to be like I'm chasing down a gift, and if they changed minds or over promised or whatever, that's ok. But what if they thought they gave it but forgot (doubtful), or sent it and it was lost??? Should I bring it up? What's the best way?

It did take some effort to come and celebrate with me, but that was all known and planned way in advance. My first thought was to send a thank you note specifically for taking the trip, and say nothing more. Would that be a hint enough that I have not gotten the gift and don't know anything of it (like say they sent it and it was lost)?

Again I don't want to create hard feelings or look as if I'm pressing for a gift. But I also don't have any idea what happened...

Advice?

Thanks!

 

[SatinSilver]

If it was a small sized gift that could be shipped perhaps it was taken off your doorstep or lost in transit. Then maybe they're wondering why you haven't thanked them for it. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt first. What's the other half think about it? Probably go with what ever she thinks on the topic to play it safe. Life is too short to fuss over small things.

But I would communicate with them over it since I'm guessing they probably did send something. Did they mention specifically what they were going to send or just say a gift?

 

[supton]

If they sent it and as lost, eventually they would ask about it. Wait for then.

If they changed their mind, well, I've met a number of people who are more talk than action. I accept them for who they are.

If it it was me, I'd let it go. Would I remember? Sure. But I'd move on.

 

[JHZR2]

I probably should add that it was a sum of money.

Notionally it would be a check and if never cashed, it would be noted. But what about if it was intercepted and somehow cashed, so it came out of the acct?

 

[QuietPortage]

I like the idea of a card thanking them for making the trip. Make it so.

 

[spasm3]

I would sent a note thanking them for being part of your achievement/celebration, how having them there is something you will always remember and so on.( The only caveat to this is now you have to send thank you notes to everyone). If they sent something they should inquire. If they forgot they will remember. If they are just big talkers be gracious and just know that. Usually a check is something given in person, especially if there were plans ahead of time to be there. All in all be gracious and tread lightly if they are inlaws/family. Perhaps the original gift plan was genuine and something came up expense wise that changed their plans, they might come through shortly.

 

[gathermewool]

What's your relation to the gift-promiser?

 

[edwardh1]

they just changed their mind , someone spoke against it (not in any way against you) just some people dont want to do that and maybe it just died.

 

[Astro14]

There's a level headed BITOG crowd? Mind pointing them out to me?

JK

Since (I am guessing) it sounds like family (who traveled and promised) just let it go. One party may have spoken without knowing what the other spouse could support. It may be a source of conflict for them. I like the idea of a card thanking them for the effort.

 

[Pablo]

Just drop it. IMHO.

Don't let it bug YOU. Just drop it. If they bring it up, well there you are.

 

[JOD]

I think the root of most deep-seated conflict is lack of communication. They could be wondering why that ungrateful idiot didn't thank them for the generous gift they sent! Plus, you're in NJ, and from what I've experienced mail sent there *can* disappear.

So, rather than let it fester I'd just confront it, as uncomfortable as it may be: thank them for coming, note that you didn't receive the gift which they mentioned (used "mentioned" vs. "promised", it's a little softer!), and just say you'd have some lost mail in the past so you just wanted to make sure it didn't get lost. Then maybe mention that if that had a change of plans, it's totally not a big deal--but you didn't want the potentially lost gift getting in the wrong hands.

If you do nothing, there will be lingering bad will going (on both sides, if they actually DID send it--unlikely, but possible). My $.02.

 

[zrxkawboy]

Originally Posted By: JHZR2
My first thought was to send a thank you note specifically for taking the trip, and say nothing more. Would that be a hint enough that I have not gotten the gift and don't know anything of it (like say they sent it and it was lost)?


I think this is the best idea.

 

[R80RS]

I can see no tactful way for you to bring it up with them. A gift is something that is freely given and, regardless of what they originally said, you really can't ask for it. Be gracious, send then a sincere note thanking them for coming to your event and drop it.

 

[Sawdusted]

Originally Posted By: R80RS
I can see no tactful way for you to bring it up with them. A gift is something that is freely given and, regardless of what they originally said, you really can't ask for it. Be gracious, send then a sincere note thanking them for coming to your event and drop it.


Well said.
In addition, I do not know what your relationship is with the supposed gift giver, but if you value the relationship, you wouldn't even be asking this question.

 

[Kuato]

Family? Let it go and remember.

Employer? I would crack a joke, asking someone in charge what the gift actually was.


It could just be an oversight, one person thought another person took care of it...and in the worst scenario if it is substantial and someone thinks you received it and aren't being grateful, well.

 

[Trav]

IMO this a real pickle.
Scenario #1 They sent the gift and the check got cashed, they think you an ingrate for not acknowledging it. You loose.

Scenario #2 The didn't sent it and you inquire you might be seen as being a bit forward. You loose.

IMHO ignoring this is not a solution. I would say something to them on the side like..
" Hey sorry to bring this up but i feel i have to say something, i have a little dilemma here.. "
Give them scenario's being gracious about it of course and leave them a way out.

Tell them you understand completely if they for some reason not go through with giving the gift (don't push for a reason).
Your reason for asking is you are afraid it may have been stolen and if they did send it they need to know so they can report the check.
You wont look bad either way IMO.

 

[DuckRyder]

I'm with Trav and JOD on this one.

The fact that you did not even get a card lends credence to the theory that it was lost somehow...

I do also agree it depends to some extent on your relationship to the gift promiser.

 

[charbaby]

Indeed, Drop it!
Keep smiling and say hello to the promisers. I know folks like this too. Not for gift giving but, they don't mean anything that they say and never act apon their words. These are grown adults!

These are people that blow up a big picture of themselves and then, everything remains to be seen. Leave it go!

 

[4D-56]

This is very simple, if you are ready to see the truth of what YOU are.

Its got nothing to do with the other people, what was said etc etc. Its about you, its about attachment to what was said/"promised" and its about what you want/expect from them as a result of those things. Can you see that, do you want to see that, do you want to see what you are?

Im not criticizing but when we can look at ourselves a little deeper, there is much to see.

Its ALL about relationship, if we can look, it will show us everything about ourselves.

The worst part about these kind of situations is that something petty like this can get in the way of some good stuff...promising/getting gifts has little to do with actual life/living/love/relationship.

I could go deeper.....its the rabbit hole that WE Are!

 

[Pop_Rivit]

Originally Posted By: JHZR2
What gets me is that they didn't even give me a congratulatory card, no card or gifts when others were giving them, and nothing or any mention since. Again, it's not about the gift, if anything gets me, it's more that a card and/or a nice note would have been appreciated.


Advice?


Get over it. Just because you didn't get a card or the recognition isn't something to get worked up about.