HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE PUBLIC SERVICE?
Welcome to this year's public service exam.
I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.
Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
* flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work
* free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test ... ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test..
MATHEMATICS:
Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.
If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long have you had for lunch?
The answer of course is half an hour.
For those who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an enquiry, you should address her by saying:
a) Can I help you, madam?
b) Can I help you, miss?
c) What can I do you for, mate?
d) How's tricks, doll-face
The correct answer is 'none of the above'. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:
a) We are looking into the matter
b) Can I get back to you on this one?
c) The matters have been referred to another committee
d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING:
Spell the following words
a) Tea
b) Sickie
c) Lunchbreak
d) Go-slow
This is the end of the examination.Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.
GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to ********
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER = Wont make a decision
AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber
LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else
Welcome to this year's public service exam.
I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.
Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:
* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work
* flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work
* free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.
I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test ... ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test..
MATHEMATICS:
Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.
If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long have you had for lunch?
The answer of course is half an hour.
For those who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.
MULTIPLE CHOICE:
1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an enquiry, you should address her by saying:
a) Can I help you, madam?
b) Can I help you, miss?
c) What can I do you for, mate?
d) How's tricks, doll-face
The correct answer is 'none of the above'. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at all.
2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:
a) We are looking into the matter
b) Can I get back to you on this one?
c) The matters have been referred to another committee
d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.
The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.
SPELLING:
Spell the following words
a) Tea
b) Sickie
c) Lunchbreak
d) Go-slow
This is the end of the examination.Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.
GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to ********
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER = Wont make a decision
AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber
LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else
