Parenting concerns

[CheezWhiz]

I'm engaged to a girl, she has a 13 year old son. I have an 11 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.

The boys get rough sometimes but my son is much larger so I don't have any real concerns there. But I feel like my fiancee's son is too rough with my daughter.

For instance, he wanted to play flag football with our whole family. First play we hand my daughter the ball and he immediately runs full speed at her and rips the flag off of her behind the line of scrimmage.

The three of them play a game where they kind of roughhouse with the mattresses and act like monkeys, she got hurt by him. I asked him what happened and he said "Hey, if she wants to play with the boys, that's what happens.?

The other day she was pitching baseball to him with one of those rubber baseballs - pretty firm and about the same weight as a baseball. She was 20 feet away from him and he's hitting the ball as hard as he can.

I'm thinking - you have got to be kidding me. A 13 year old boy should absolutely know how to control himself and make sure a 7 year old girl does not get hurt. If' you're playing flag football with a girl half your age, you back off and let her have some fun, maybe pull the flag off gently after letting her get a first down. If you're doing a silly monkey game, you're aware of your body at all times and make sure the younger kid doesn't get hurt. If you're being pitched to by a girl half your age, you hit the ball back gently and encourage her to field the ball. You don't play full speed trying to dominate a little girl or hit the ball back at her as hard as you can!

Am I wrong?

 

[Zee09]

13 year old boys have the brain capacity of a cockroach
In my day my father would have beaten us half to death and that seemed to resolve any issues
No I'm not kidding but today is a different world.
Take nothing for granted- explain the rules.

 

[JTK]

I guess it depends on how your future bride and her 13yr/old take to you disciplining him.

My 14, 19 and 21yr old "boys" have never stopped being handfulls.

 

[CheezWhiz]

I guess it depends on how your future bride and her 13yr/old take to you disciplining him.

My 14, 19 and 21yr old "boys" have never stopped being handfulls.

My brother and I had wars that would make Genghis Khan blush. But we NEVER hurt a girl, much less a younger girl, and we would have NEVER played any kind of sport at full speed with a girl half our age.

 

[JTK]

My brother and I had wars that would make Genghis Khan blush. But we NEVER hurt a girl, much less a younger girl, and we would have NEVER played any kind of sport at full speed with a girl half our age.

This is true, as knuckleheaded as my boys can be, they keep it between the boys.

 

[Pablo]

Well that's not going to work out. My eldest daughter was big and tall for age* - extremely athletic - she would dominate girls her age and needed some throttling , but even at 7, vs a 13 year old boy. No.

BOTH parents need to step in like it or not. If you two can't agree on this..........the boys need other chums.

This whole thread = "13 year old boys have the brain capacity of a cockroach"

hahahahahaha I nearly split my stitches!!

*Like making a goal from the midline or kicking the ball into face and bloody nose...

 

[blain450]

What does your fiance say about HER son's actions and attitude?

The darker me would tell you to goad the kid into some kind of contact sport and treat him as a full grown man.
But the brighter side of me says let your fiance deal with her son (at this point in your relationship).

 

[JohnnyG]

When I was thirteen, nobody would let me play football with them. Claimed I was too rough and hurt people.
And that was just the boys.

I don't think it's a good idea to include girls.

 

[02SE]

Putting a girl in danger or actually hurting her, especially a much younger girl, wouldn't have flown with my parents. If I ever had, and they had seen it, I'd have been disciplined on the spot, and likely would've had some further punishment like being grounded.

I'd talk to the fiance to find out her feelings on the situation. I would hope you're on the same page that the situation isn't acceptable.

13 year old boys are at the point where they are just about as dumb as they'll ever be. Old enough to be brave enough to do something stupid, but not yet smart enough to know not to. Most mature out of that phase.

If she takes the attitude that her kid can do no wrong, I'd reevaluate the relationship before she becomes your wife.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Putting a girl in danger or actually hurting her, especially a much younger girl, wouldn't have flown with my parents. If I ever had, and they had seen it, I'd have been disciplined on the spot, and likely would've had some further punishment like being grounded.

I'd talk to the fiance to find out her feelings on the situation. I would hope you're on the same page that the situation isn't acceptable.

13 year old boys are at the point where they are just about as dumb as they'll ever be. Old enough to do something stupid, but not yet smart enough to know not to. Most mature out of that phase.

If she takes the attitude that her kid can do no wrong, I'd reevaluate the relationship before she becomes your wife.

I have made it clear that she is going to fix the situation or I am going to end the relationship.

 

[Hall]

I guess it depends on how your future bride and her 13yr/old take to you disciplining him.

This is the trickiest part.

What does your fiance say about HER son's actions and attitude?

Yeah, she needs to address this first or allow the OP to step in. It will still be a slippery slope though 'cause the boy isn't his kid and he will need to treat lightly.

she has a 13 year old son. I have an 11 year old son

How do their sizes compare ? Your son may still have that big brother protective instinct, especially given how young his little sister is.

 

[KrisZ]

How long has he been separated from his biological father? But even if the bio father is in the picture, a single child usually doesn’t know how to play with others.

You need to discipline him if verbal warnings don’t work. This will likely trigger a response from your fiance. If she reacts negatively, expect relationship trouble in the future over her son’s behavior.

 

[CheezWhiz]

This is the trickiest part.

Yeah, she needs to address this first or allow the OP to step in. It will still be a slippery slope though 'cause the boy isn't his kid and he will need to treat lightly.


How do their sizes compare ? Your son may still have that big brother protective instinct, especially given how young his little sister is.

Her kid is kind of skinny and my daughter is tall for her age. But still, it's a 13 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. He should already know that he needs to dial it back with her and my fiancee should be enforcing very firm boundaries.

I'm more than happy to act as a supporting role in helping her change his behavior, but I'm not taking the lead on disciplining her kid and she is not taking the lead on disciplining mine.

 

[CheezWhiz]

How long has he been separated from his biological father? But even if the bio father is in the picture, a single child usually doesn’t know how to play with others.

You need to discipline him if verbal warnings don’t work. This will likely trigger a response from your fiance. If she reacts negatively, expect relationship trouble in the future over her son’s behavior.

His biological father is actually a kick-ass guy and we have gotten to be quite friendly. These behaviors don't happen with his biological father around because his biological father would not tolerate it for a second.

 

[dubber09]

Did you speak with your fiancé re all this? What's her take? Your relationship may take a sharp turn if you cannot sort this out. She may actually turn on you.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Did you speak with your fiancé re all this? What's her take? Your relationship may take a sharp turn if you cannot sort this out. She may actually turn on you.

We are doing counseling to discuss. I am asking on the forum because I want to solicit ideas without broadcasting to my circle what is going on.

 

[KrisZ]

Did you speak with your fiancé re all this? What's her take? Your relationship may take a sharp turn if you cannot sort this out. She may actually turn on you.

I think OP just wants a confirmation that his thought process isn’t wrong, which it isn’t IMO.

 

[SC Maintenance]

Father of two daughters. I would never let them rough house with boys. Boys and girls are different - irrelevant of what "they" say.

On the other side, the 13 year old is most likely acting out because you have invaded his space with his Mom. His mom will likely take his side, which is what Mom's are supposed to do.

Try to look at all angles. Lots of emotion pent up in this story. I don't envy your dance.

I am also so happy my girls are grown and we could always present a united parental front - and even then it wasn't easy.

 

[riff1006]

Dealing with my own kids was hard enough, but dealing with someone else's? Another thing altogether.

 

[CheezWhiz]

Father of two daughters. I would never let them rough house with boys. Boys and girls are different - irrelevant of what "they" say.

On the other side, the 13 year old is most likely acting out because you have invaded his space with his Mom. His mom will likely take his side, which is what Mom's are supposed to do.

Try to look at all angles. Lots of emotion pent up in this story. I don't envy your dance.

I am also so happy my girls are grown and we could always present a united parental front - and even then it wasn't easy.

I'm a pretty old dad, born mid-70's. I cannot imagine my father's reaction if he saw me play rough with a 7 year old girl when I was 13.

There have been a few other "accidents" where both my kids got hurt when he was angry at them. I don't think they were accidents. I think he knew full well he was acting roughly and that he was likely to hurt them but didn't hit them directly because he wanted to avoid consequences.

When my son got "accidentally" hurt he retaliated physically and it hasn't happened to my son since.

When my daughter gets "accidentally" hurt she comes to us. His attitude is always like "whoopsie, well, I guess she shouldn't be playing with the boys!" and my fiancee accepts his story that it was just an accident.

My feeling is that it has happened too many times when he was angry at my daughter for it to be accidental. And the fact that he doesn't "accidentally" hurt my son anymore since my son retaliated sure seems like another clue that this is intentional.