How long did it take you to get back into the

[WhyMe]

dating scene and find another after a divorce. In a previous post, i told you guys that my SO and have decided to go our own ways.

when we got married i was a young man. now i am a lot older. I would like to start looking for another, but being so much time has passed, i am apprehensive.

I am not looking for a easy lay, but someone to really spend time with.

so how long did it take you to get back into the dating scene? how did you find the new one?

 

[Gabe]

You should take some time off and do stuff that you want to do - go out with friends for a drink, flip a car off CL for a profit, or pick up the new FNS-9 and let us know what you think.

You should NOT call up old flames, post anything under the CL personals, drive by your old house, or inquire about the ex's dating status.

These things take time. You should get on with your life and enjoy being single for a little.

 

[Kuato]

Don't force it and go too early, that's just setting up for failure. Get comfortable being yourself again, you'll know when you're ready.

I did both of the above, and starting too early set me back a bit. Plan on a year or two until you're in a better place.

 

[GreeCguy]

Ditto to the all of the above. Don't rush it or force it. It will take some getting used to being alone, but my guess is that if you and former SO finally called it quits, you weren't really hanging out that much and enjoying each others company.

Do some cool "you" stuff for a while. Travel, check out new places, grab this as an adventure. What you'll discover is that you won't have to look for the right lady, you'll just bump into each other and it will click.

 

[mrplavick]

From experience I wouldn't put a timeline on it. Go by how you feel. How you honestly feel. It's easy to jump into the dating scene before you're really ready - to soothe your ego and prove "you still got it" or out of loneliness.

But if you truly feel ready to find someone to spend time with I'd suggest sign up for a quality online dating community and be yourself and be clear and honest about what you're looking for.
Remember you'll more than likely be meeting divorced women who are also apprehensive.

I signed up on chemistry.com and met and dated a few very nice women. Nothing long term came of it (I realized I needed to focus on being a single dad instead) but it was a great experience.

 

[Smoky14]

I've been with #2 now for 28yrs, great lady. I had quit searching when we met, fate is a fickle mistress...she has her own time schedule.

Be patient..Smoky

 

[doitmyself]

I've been married to my high school sweet heart for 36 years now, so I can't provide much help! And, as highlighted in the Steve Martin movie Parenthood, it's been a roller coaster ride rather than the merry go round (boring, around in circles). IMO, a dynamic marriage has challenges. I can't imagine how boring a marriage would be for those who claim the "best friends/never a disagreement" relationship.

But, I digress. I have the perception that a lot of divorcees that look for the "greener grass" end up in second relationships that are similar to their first.

Be careful.

 

[javacontour]

I would say that. However, it depends on who is looking for the greener grass. I get the impression that it was his wife and/or he wasn't going to put up much of a fight about it.

Been through that myself about 10 years ago. Wife thought she could get a better deal. I went back and forth and was an emotional mess, not worthy to care for a dog let along being an equal partner in a romantic relationship.

Got back into dating slowly about a year later and that was probably too soon.

Got remarried 4 years after the ex-wife left, and it's been good, but not without it's drama.

There is always ex-spouse drama. Espcially when kids are involved. Even without, you carry your baggage into any new relationship.

I suggest taking your time. Enjoy your own company. Get to know who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship. Date a number of people to learn what works and doesn't worth with respect to your respective personalities.

But back to my starting point, remember only about 1/2 of those who are divorced WANTED the divorce. The other half had to go along with it because vows are unenforceable these days.

Originally Posted By: doitmyself
I've been married to my high school sweet heart for 36 years now, so I can't provide much help! And, as highlighted in the Steve Martin movie Parenthood, it's been a roller coaster ride rather than the merry go round (boring, around in circles). IMO, a dynamic marriage has challenges. I can't imagine how boring a marriage would be for those who claim the "best friends/never a disagreement" relationship.

But, I digress. I have the perception that a lot of divorcees that look for the "greener grass" end up in second relationships that are similar to their first.

Be careful.

 

[Astro14]

I am sorry to hear of your situation...in many ways, Divorce is more stressful than any other human experience...I preferred night carrier landings to dealing with my ex, shoot, I even preferred night carrier landings to even being around her, hence the divorce...but I digress.

To answer your question: I didn't really start dating until long after the divorce. I did however, start hanging out with a colleague from the Navy Reserve, same rank, with whom I had been casual friends for years. It did not hurt that she was well-read, intelligent, interesting, and yes, blonde and very pretty. We were married almost 6 years ago.

So, my advice: don't do anything. Pursue your hobbies for a bit, let the wound heal, relax. No one wants to go on a date where the entire conversation is about their ex and the court details or recent developments in a court case. Your mind right now is full of this divorce...so wait until you're focused on something else - your hobbies, your interests, your job...then, and not before, you're ready to turn your attention to another person.

You don't want to make the "rebound" mistake...and when you're actively looking for someone, it seems that you never meet anyone...when I was not interested in looking for someone, I met several interesting women...I've always figured it was because they knew I wasn't looking...few things are less attractive than a person who is desperately looking...

 

[Mr_Incredible]

Don't rush anything!

Learn to live with yourself as you are today. See who you have changed into, and what you're looking for in a companion.

Just don't get in a hurry or you'll quite possibly make a less-than-stellar choice.

Best o' luck to you. I'm on Wife #3, and she's the best yet.

 

[SteveSRT8]

Originally Posted By: WhyMe
dating scene and find another after a divorce. In a previous post, i told you guys that my SO and have decided to go our own ways.

when we got married i was a young man. now i am a lot older. I would like to start looking for another, but being so much time has passed, i am apprehensive.

I am not looking for a easy lay, but someone to really spend time with.

so how long did it take you to get back into the dating scene? how did you find the new one?


Caution is urged here, as mistakes can be made while you are emotionally needy. Watch out!

My recommendation is to take it SLOW. My 2nd wife and I dated for almost ten years BEFORE we got married. That might seem too long, but we all need time to heal.

Best of luck. If it's any help I never believed I would ever find anyone like my first wife. But I did so much better the second time around.

Love lives in your heart. Don't let it die...

 

[WhyMe]

Thank you to those that commented. Yeah it get kinda lonely sometimes.

moved back with my mom for temp till I figure out what to do and where i will end up.

Hopefully I will find another in the future

sometimes i wonder how so many make it through a divorce without suck starting a shotgun.

 

[Mr Nice]

WhyMe,

Just wondering how old are you ?

 

[WhyMe]

Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
WhyMe,

Just wondering how old are you ?



48

 

[Whitewolf]

Listen to what everyone else is telling you, don't rush in. I did and both I and my bank account lived to regret it. However, I now have a wonderful wife and an equally wonderful daughter.
It's hard I know but I think that there are enough of us to provide support when you are feeling down.

 

[Whitewolf]

Originally Posted By: WhyMe
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
WhyMe,

Just wondering how old are you ?



48


You are just a kid! (no offence intended).

 

[L_Sludger]

Just like every other kind of withdrawal or comedown, the only thing that truly helps is time alone. With time you will find yourself and realize what you need.

 

[Tdbo]

As others have said, take your time and you will know when it is right.
I had an "almost" ex-wife. I was engaged to be married to someone. Everything went right until she got the ring and then it went to (insert the expletive of your choice.) Fortunately, she played her agenda too soon and she didn't like the blowback from me. After an event in which her trustworthiness came into question, I pushed hard and made her break it off. Reasoning at the time was 1) I wanted my rock back and 2) I wanted her to have to explain herself instead of blaming me that I dumped her. She tried hard on several occasions to get back together and even worked on tracking me down after I moved to another city. I did not acknowledge her calls. Met my now wife and we dated two years before getting married. She continued to badger even after my wife and I got engaged. There was even a contingency plan put in place by both my sisters and my cousin if she crashed our wedding.
My wife and I have been together 21 years and married almost 19. Everything is great and there was no question that it was right. Sure it is work and we have had our issues, but it has been worth it.

 

[Trav]

Quite frankly it all depends on who gave who the boot.
Its a lot easier to move on for the one giving the boot than the one on the receiving end.

 

[Doog]

Originally Posted By: Tdbo
She tried hard on several occasions to get back together and even worked on tracking me down after I moved to another city.