ATM instructions male/female (joke)

[sbc350gearhead]

> A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
> "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller
> machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
> vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
> below
> outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.
> > >
> > > MALE &FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of
> careful
> > > research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
> > >
> > >
> > > >> MALE PROCEDURE
> > >>
> > >> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> > >> 2. Put down your car window.
> > >> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> > >> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> > >> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> > >> 6. Put window up.
> > >> 7. Drive off.
> > >>
> > >>
> > > FEMALE PROCEDURE
> > >
> > > 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> > > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
> with the
> > > machine.
> > > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> > > 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
> locate
> card.
> > > 5. Turn the radio down
> > > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> > > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
> excessive
> > > distance from the car.
> > > 8. Insert card.
> > > 9. Re-insert card the right way up.
> > > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the
> inside back page.
> > > 11. Enter PIN.
> > > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> > > 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> > > 14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
> > > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> > > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
> > > 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
> > > 18. Re-check make-up again.
> > > 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
> > > 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> > > 21. Retrieve card.
> > > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the
>
> slot
> > > provided.
> > > 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male
driver
> > waiting behind.
> > > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> > > 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> > > 26. Release Parking Brake

Blondes > forget it!!!!!> > >
> >

 

[Chris B.]

Speaking of blondes

What do you call a blond behind the steering wheel?

An airbag! (kind of related to cars)

 

[Al]

Releasing the parking brake was good.

Woman's parking lot

 

[DonCT]

Whoah, that woman's parking lot pic was classic. It just hit me right and I was LMAO for about 10 minutes. Then I had to click off the post fast 'cause the wife came in the room to see what the ruckus was. I think she thought I was surfing a porn site I looked so guilty.

 

[Pablo]

Good one (be careful)

Check this one out (not a joke):

Wife calls me at work. Locked out of house, keys inside. I say how? Wow? etc...she gets all mad at me for asking some questions...(you know)

So I drive home (25 minutes one way) unlock the door, let her in and drive back to work. (Of course the BIG boss was looking for me during my absence). Anyhow, I'm telling my male co-workers the story: "...and when I got to the house, my wife wasn't mad at me."

Only the married guys (10+ years) got it.

 

[K-Man]

Pablo, your story reminded me of this one.

A blonde calls a locksmith. "I locked my keys in the car." The locksmith asks, "Before I come out, you did check all your doors and windows, didn't you?" The blonde says, "Yes, the doors are locked and the windows are all closed." The locksmith says, "Okay, I'm on my way." The blonde says, "Oh, thank you, and please hurry. The top's down and it's starting to rain."

 

[sbc350gearhead]

My wife has locked herself out of the car AND house twice, with the engine running in the car.

 

[tweeker43]

A man was walking out of a local K-mart store and saw a blonde woman sitting down next to her car crying. The man was confused and asked her what was wrong.

"I can't get into my car! You see, I just discovered that I need new batteries for my car unlocking remote... and now I am locked out of my car! And it's raining!"

The man looked at her funny with a grin and asked her to see her car keys. She handed them to him and he found the right key, unlocked the door manually, and said, "Well, it's a long walk to the store and it's raining... why don't you drive to the store and get new batteries for your car unlocking remote?"

my wife has locked herself out the car on numerous occassions. prior to our marriage, she locked the keys in my car as we were packing from a weekend at a hotel (1 hour from her college, 2 hours from my house). luckily i could wedge a coat hanger in there and pull the lock. i've kept a spare set of keys in my pocket ever since.

 

[cryptokid]

dont tell anyone you do this, but it is a really good idea to securely fasten an extra set of house and car keys to the underside of the car. i have mine fastend via music wire (real thick string wire) to the muffler bracket.

slightly off topic but it is also a good idea to put a couple hundred dollars in the trunk, like where the jack and tire wrench goes for emergency purposes.

 

[labman]

quote:

---

Originally posted by tweeker43:
snip....
The man looked at her funny with a grin and asked her to see her car keys. She handed them to him and he found the right key, unlocked the door manually, and said, "Well, it's a long walk to the store and it's raining... why don't you drive to the store and get new batteries for your car unlocking remote?"
snip...

---

You left out the part about the horn going off because he unlocked the door with the key when it had been locked with the remote. My 02 Cavalier is set up that way. No blond is as dumb as whoever designed such a system. The theft deterrent system is such a stupid idea, I never use my remote. With all the false alarms, I doubt anyone pays any attention to them.

 

[tweeker43]

q. do you know why the blond stuck her face in hot grease?

a. she was bobbing for french fries

(let the joke wars begin

)

 

[tweeker43]

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is
on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front
seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks,
"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are
waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

labman - it does seem as if the ergonomics and human factors used in cars in sometimes lacking. the only consistencies are pedals and steering wheels. controls are on stems, paddles, knobs and dials, buttons and levers, and change within manufacturers, let alone between builders.

the only thing i use my "beep-beep" for is to give me reinforcement that i locked my car. car thieves are efficient enough at this point that incessant honking and flashing of lights is meaningless.

 

[MarkC]

...What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?


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