another lawyer joke [but really good]

[mechtech2]

I saw this in the Chicago Sun Times, so here is my misquoted version:
A lawyer is driving in his limo, and sees a man eating grass on someone's front lawn. He pulls over and asks "Why are you eating grass?". The man replies, "I have no job, and no money.". The lawyer tells him, "Get into my car, and I will bring you home with me and feed you.".
The man replies, "I have a wife and two children, and they are on the lawn across the street, also eating grass.".
The lawyer says, "Of course they can also come home with me to eat.".
As they are all driving in the limo to the lawyer's house, he says, "You are going to love it at my place, the grass is at least a foot high!".

 

[John_K]

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A really good start.

John

 

[JavaMan]

How many lawsuits are filed against lawyers? Can you successfully file a lawsuit against a lawyer?

 

[John_K]

"Judging" from what I have seen, most lawyers won't sue another lawyer, professional courtesy, what have you. Or maybe they're afraid it will start a landslide of lawsuits?

John

 

[TallPaul]

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

You're in a locked room w/ a rattlesnake, an aligator, and a lawyer. You have a revolver w/ only 2 bullets. Which do you shoot?
The lawyer; twice.

 

[mechtech2]

TP - Thanks, those are great!

 

[Crashbox]

I heard there was some company a while back that made "Gummy Lawyers" candy; they were sharks...

Not all attorneys are bad, though- I know one that I would actually buy a used car from if I needed to.

OTOH, I always got a kick of how my cousin in South Dakota pronounced "lawyer"- it sounded like he was referring to his "LIAR"!!!

 

[TallPaul]

How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.

 

[JohnnyOHM]

A lawyer falls off a fishing boat into a school of sharks,
the sharks throw him back on the boat. The Captain ask the sharks why they did that, 'Professional Courtesy', takes one to know one.

 

[fuel tanker man]

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.

 

[wileyE]

Quote:

---

How many lawsuits are filed against lawyers? Can you successfully file a lawsuit against a lawyer?

---

When I was in LA they had TV ads for lawyers to sue other lawyers. Went some thing like this: "are you not happy with your recent settlement and feel that you you had poor representation? call today we can help".

 

[i30krab]

How do you know when a lawyer is lieing?

When you see his lips are moving!

 

[wileyE]

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

 

[moribundman]

It's not not a joke, but relevant what's being said about Pharisees and lawyers (Luke 7:30). It all goes way back.

 

[frankm]

Q. Can you get pregnant from anal sex?
A. Of course, where do you think lawyers come from?

 

[Vilan]

Man goes into public washroom and finds the only stall occupied. After waiting impatiently for several minutes, he calls through the door to see if the other guy is going to be much longer. Other guy says "Don't rush me, I'm giving birth to a lawyer in here!"