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VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs...

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she...

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother...

On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes ice, which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered, "Its volume" except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."

During the first Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf is walking in the Iraqi desert. He kicks something in the sand, bends down, and discovers it is a brass lamp, which of course he rubs. Out pops a genie. "I can grant you any wish you like," says the genie. Schwarzkopf removes a map of the...

Mitch decided to go fishing, and set off walking along the bank of a wild scenic river. He'd walked for a couple miles and hadn't seen even the hint of another human being. Shortly, he came across a sign that said "NO POACHING" and warned that violators would be fined $500. Mitch looked at the...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a...

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot...

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You [censored]!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St...

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her...

Thanks fellows for the reply. I went to the my auto mechanic and he said it's the distributor. The distributor was replaced with a used one before, but no rough acceleration as the symptoms. I am stump.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his...

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At...

I'll go to Autozone if they could help me pull the codes. Keep you guys posted.

A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food. Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and...

Hi: I just replaced fuel filter, spark plugs and spark plug cables because the car is rough during acceleration. After doing these things the car is still rough under acceleration. Any help in trouble shooting is appreciated. George

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bill Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer...