dont put your name on her car, dont put her name on your car. DO control ALL the money. save some for your self, hide it some where she cant get it. if you do separate give her every thing that is not money. you take as much money as you can. ie you can make money with money , but you cant make money with a house. DO NOT settle in front of a judge, he will divide EVERY THING in half. this will make you spilt the house, giving some of its value to other people, then you nor your wife gets that money. above all KEEP your job.
Marriage advice on BITOG ?
- Thread starter OtisBlkR1
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Yes and no.
If you do go the marriage counseling route, keep in mind that 5 out of 6 so called marriage counselors are worthless.
What I've found that works the best is the program by Dr Willard Harley at www.marriagebuilders.com (I think I put the URL here, MODs? I don't think it goes against the TOS)
He formalizes what has been said here, a united front.
He calls it the Policy of Joint Agreement. Neither you, nor your wife do anything without ENTHUSIASTIC agreement by the other. That would include discipline.
He also calls for 15 hours/week of interrupted time together. (Undivided attention. No kids, no TV, no movies. Doing things together that you each like.) That means a sitter and getting out with your wife similar to how you were when you were married.
Now before you say you can't do that because of this reason or that, perhaps you need to look at how you CAN begin to adopt his method. Work with friends or others if you can't afford a sitter. I.E. we'll watch your kids a couple nights a week if you watch ours a couple nites a week, etc.
But I would be careful about who you get for professional help. As I said, 5 out 6 counselors are simply about making happy individuals, which may come at the cost of the marriage and family. Dr Harley is about building a happy marriage, which in-turn produces happy individuals and well reared children.
Originally Posted By: Pop_Rivit
Seeing some of the comments here should make you realize why this is the last place to come for marriage advice. There are a lot of marital losers who know nothing about maintaining a life long spousal relationship.
You and your wife are feeling a lot of tension, and it's time to get some professional help and guidance. Your family is the most important thing in your life, and it's time to invest in it to keep it intact. This is not the time to get some advice from a motor oil forum from people who haven't been able to hold their own relationships together. The world doesn't need any more dysfunctional families, and you're headed down that path.
Your church is a great place to start. There are often outstanding parenting and marriage classes available. If that's not an option, there are some great professional counselors available. If you're really interesting in saving your marriage, it's worth the financial investment.
And for reference, I've only been married once and it's lasted 40 years. My wife is my best friend, soul mate and the most incredible person I know.
If you do go the marriage counseling route, keep in mind that 5 out of 6 so called marriage counselors are worthless.
What I've found that works the best is the program by Dr Willard Harley at www.marriagebuilders.com (I think I put the URL here, MODs? I don't think it goes against the TOS)
He formalizes what has been said here, a united front.
He calls it the Policy of Joint Agreement. Neither you, nor your wife do anything without ENTHUSIASTIC agreement by the other. That would include discipline.
He also calls for 15 hours/week of interrupted time together. (Undivided attention. No kids, no TV, no movies. Doing things together that you each like.) That means a sitter and getting out with your wife similar to how you were when you were married.
Now before you say you can't do that because of this reason or that, perhaps you need to look at how you CAN begin to adopt his method. Work with friends or others if you can't afford a sitter. I.E. we'll watch your kids a couple nights a week if you watch ours a couple nites a week, etc.
But I would be careful about who you get for professional help. As I said, 5 out 6 counselors are simply about making happy individuals, which may come at the cost of the marriage and family. Dr Harley is about building a happy marriage, which in-turn produces happy individuals and well reared children.
Originally Posted By: Pop_Rivit
Seeing some of the comments here should make you realize why this is the last place to come for marriage advice. There are a lot of marital losers who know nothing about maintaining a life long spousal relationship.
You and your wife are feeling a lot of tension, and it's time to get some professional help and guidance. Your family is the most important thing in your life, and it's time to invest in it to keep it intact. This is not the time to get some advice from a motor oil forum from people who haven't been able to hold their own relationships together. The world doesn't need any more dysfunctional families, and you're headed down that path.
Your church is a great place to start. There are often outstanding parenting and marriage classes available. If that's not an option, there are some great professional counselors available. If you're really interesting in saving your marriage, it's worth the financial investment.
And for reference, I've only been married once and it's lasted 40 years. My wife is my best friend, soul mate and the most incredible person I know.
This and the other comments are true. Overall women file 2/3rd to 3/4s of all divorce actions. The majority of those are while the kids are still at home, when she perceives an advantage in the family court and in the dating market. (She thinks there is greener grass out there.)
Guys tend to outnumber women once the kids move out of the home. They perceive they have less to lose, plus older men have advantages in the dating market relative to when they were younger. (They think there is greener grass out there for them.)
The majority of divorces are not due to cause. Studies of divorce, including in no fault states drilled down into the reasons why the person who filed filed. In only about 6% of cases did they cite that their spouse was abusive or adulterous.
That means that likely 9 out of every 10 divorces are due to someone no longer feeling like they need to honor their vows and want to get rid of their spouse. Only about 1 in 10 are because their spouse was abusive or adulterous.
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry and as mentioned there is little incentive to work thing out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.
And of course the majority of these initiated, are without cause.
Guys tend to outnumber women once the kids move out of the home. They perceive they have less to lose, plus older men have advantages in the dating market relative to when they were younger. (They think there is greener grass out there for them.)
The majority of divorces are not due to cause. Studies of divorce, including in no fault states drilled down into the reasons why the person who filed filed. In only about 6% of cases did they cite that their spouse was abusive or adulterous.
That means that likely 9 out of every 10 divorces are due to someone no longer feeling like they need to honor their vows and want to get rid of their spouse. Only about 1 in 10 are because their spouse was abusive or adulterous.
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry and as mentioned there is little incentive to work thing out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.
And of course the majority of these initiated, are without cause.
Originally Posted By: morris
dont put your name on her car, dont put her name on your car. DO control ALL the money. save some for your self, hide it some where she cant get it. if you do separate give her every thing that is not money. you take as much money as you can. ie you can make money with money , but you cant make money with a house. DO NOT settle in front of a judge, he will divide EVERY THING in half. this will make you spilt the house, giving some of its value to other people, then you nor your wife gets that money. above all KEEP your job.
Yup, always have a stash. She seems sweet now, but in a divorce her and her lawyer will be after everything. My judge was a female. She actually had mercy. I got a sleeping bag, my clothes, and all the bills that were in my name. With the assets frozen I defaulted, so having separate items with a joint bank account was a bad idea.
dont put your name on her car, dont put her name on your car. DO control ALL the money. save some for your self, hide it some where she cant get it. if you do separate give her every thing that is not money. you take as much money as you can. ie you can make money with money , but you cant make money with a house. DO NOT settle in front of a judge, he will divide EVERY THING in half. this will make you spilt the house, giving some of its value to other people, then you nor your wife gets that money. above all KEEP your job.
Yup, always have a stash. She seems sweet now, but in a divorce her and her lawyer will be after everything. My judge was a female. She actually had mercy. I got a sleeping bag, my clothes, and all the bills that were in my name. With the assets frozen I defaulted, so having separate items with a joint bank account was a bad idea.
I'd say 1/2 the folks divorced didn't want to get divorced. As has been said before, all it takes is one person who is unwilling to work with her husband or wife, or unwilling to end her affair and she'll get the divorce she wanted.
I "love" how we are told men don't value marriage and family, but it's men who are outnumbered 2x -3x by women in choosing divorce.
So remember, of the half of all marriages that fail, probably half of the people in those marriages didn't want the divorce they were forced to take by their spouse who refused to work on the marriage, rather than file for divorce and go looking for greener pastures.
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.
For others, things aren't that simple. Church, marriage counseling, etc, are great ideas by all means, but can only work if mommy is willing to cooperate.
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry, and as mentioned there is little incentive to work things out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.
I "love" how we are told men don't value marriage and family, but it's men who are outnumbered 2x -3x by women in choosing divorce.
So remember, of the half of all marriages that fail, probably half of the people in those marriages didn't want the divorce they were forced to take by their spouse who refused to work on the marriage, rather than file for divorce and go looking for greener pastures.
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.
For others, things aren't that simple. Church, marriage counseling, etc, are great ideas by all means, but can only work if mommy is willing to cooperate.
Women initiate the majority of divorce procedings in this contry, and as mentioned there is little incentive to work things out with easy no-fault divorce laws and courts that are hostile territory for men.
Oh thats right...I got the dog too...loyal to me, bit the new bf seizing the opportunity to move in to my house
One good note: My oldest turned 18 last week. $900 a month stopped and she hit the roof. 3 more years for the other. I pay for whatever the kids need including the mortgage of a house I don't live in. The "fee for being a divorced man with 2 kids" was just her play money. Guess I wont get her vote for president, I stopped her entitlement and she's "outraged".
and my retirement was split in two, the only way ill get her half back is if she dies. but NOT if she remarries.
Just tell her she can have everything, but the OIL !!!!!!
10 yrs married - no children - still extremely happy
and in love with each other just like the day we met - as cliche as it may sound, it's true.
We don't agree on everything, but the things we don't agree on are small enough in life, so we have not even had a real fight about a single thing yet. - just minor arguments - that also rare.
We both work hard (and worked a lot harder to put ourselves through college with nothing but financial aid) and with that have a decent/good financial status, and we agreed to no kids before we got married.
Finances and kids are main causes of rocky marriages i think, so perhaps that's what's helping us, IDK.
i don't feel like i helped much.
We don't agree on everything, but the things we don't agree on are small enough in life, so we have not even had a real fight about a single thing yet. - just minor arguments - that also rare.
We both work hard (and worked a lot harder to put ourselves through college with nothing but financial aid) and with that have a decent/good financial status, and we agreed to no kids before we got married.
Finances and kids are main causes of rocky marriages i think, so perhaps that's what's helping us, IDK.
i don't feel like i helped much.
I didn't roll over for my ex-wife. She had an affair, wanted me to pay for her lawyer, wanted none of the debt, etc.
I ended up with the house. We did a split of the debt based on relative incomes. I kept two cars, she got one. Only the value added to my 401(k) and IRA since we married was considered. I demonstrated the assets I had prior to the marriage and those came off the table at settlement.
I get about 1/3rd parenting time with my daughter and claim her every other year on my taxes.
Paying her Child Support leaves me with far more money than I had when she was my wife. The debt was split based on when she left and I had most of it paid off BEFORE the divorce was final. The bottom line was she got very little and had to pay quite a bit in terms of money to get her divorce.
Since she was married to me less than 10 years, she has ZERO claim on any of my future retirement or Social Security benefits.
Divorce is a last ditch option, but you don't have to get raked over the coals.
I'm pretty sure any assets she did get paid off her lawyers as her first lawyer put a lien on our home because he'd not been paid. She had to pay that off so I could re-fi the home in my name only.
Cheaters are knucleheads.
I ended up with the house. We did a split of the debt based on relative incomes. I kept two cars, she got one. Only the value added to my 401(k) and IRA since we married was considered. I demonstrated the assets I had prior to the marriage and those came off the table at settlement.
I get about 1/3rd parenting time with my daughter and claim her every other year on my taxes.
Paying her Child Support leaves me with far more money than I had when she was my wife. The debt was split based on when she left and I had most of it paid off BEFORE the divorce was final. The bottom line was she got very little and had to pay quite a bit in terms of money to get her divorce.
Since she was married to me less than 10 years, she has ZERO claim on any of my future retirement or Social Security benefits.
Divorce is a last ditch option, but you don't have to get raked over the coals.
I'm pretty sure any assets she did get paid off her lawyers as her first lawyer put a lien on our home because he'd not been paid. She had to pay that off so I could re-fi the home in my name only.
Cheaters are knucleheads.
i'm back for a second time in the same day, which is rare. interesting thread.
leaky -- $900. /month !!!!! jeesus!now that it's gone, congrats.maybe now, you can afford to eat.
morris -- one poster's sig line states that a 55 gal. drum and a shovel solves a lot of lifes problems (not verbatim).
chevys -- don't be surprised if a vengeful spouse decides to take half of an oil stash, just to be an **** -- now that you have planted the seed.
it sure would be nice to hear from a couple of women about this topic.
at any rate, have a good evening. time for a cigar and a brandy.
leaky -- $900. /month !!!!! jeesus!now that it's gone, congrats.maybe now, you can afford to eat.
morris -- one poster's sig line states that a 55 gal. drum and a shovel solves a lot of lifes problems (not verbatim).
chevys -- don't be surprised if a vengeful spouse decides to take half of an oil stash, just to be an **** -- now that you have planted the seed.
it sure would be nice to hear from a couple of women about this topic.
at any rate, have a good evening. time for a cigar and a brandy.
Originally Posted By: Stelth
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.
Hope you're not talking to me,
No, in fact, I was debating whether to mention "not you Stelth" in the post but didn't want to single anyone out one way or the other.
Originally Posted By: Rock_Hudstone
Some people in the one half of marraiges that didn't end in divorce, yet. Should come on down off the high horse for a moment and consider themselves fortunate, not necessarily smarter than anyone else.
Hope you're not talking to me,
No, in fact, I was debating whether to mention "not you Stelth" in the post but didn't want to single anyone out one way or the other.
Wow, this thread hit the skids quick...
I don't think the man is looking for a divorce here...just struggling to get used to the changes of children, and all that comes with it.
There is some good advice here, and some scary as well.
I can only wish for him what I wish for you guys in general-that things will work out for you...
I don't think the man is looking for a divorce here...just struggling to get used to the changes of children, and all that comes with it.
There is some good advice here, and some scary as well.
I can only wish for him what I wish for you guys in general-that things will work out for you...
Originally Posted By: Jimmy9190
OP needs to get on the same page with his wife, as far as raising the kid goes. This needs to be done asap to avoid serious problems down the road.
I rest my case..
OP needs to get on the same page with his wife, as far as raising the kid goes. This needs to be done asap to avoid serious problems down the road.
I rest my case..
When you get to thinking "she's not perfect", remember "neither are you".
Also remember "yes dear" is your friend.
Also remember "yes dear" is your friend.
Never been married and have no kids and don't want any. From what I have seen over the years, kids are just an expense and stress that can be avoided. Happy with the current girlfriend of 8 years.
JHZR2
Staff member
Communication is key. My wife and I (no kids currently) talk about this stuff constantly, and have been discussing aspects with (and afterwards at home) with folks we know who have kids.
It is a common discussion because it is an important one.
I get the feeling a lot of times the female decides she wants a baby, gets pregnant, and the man jus just a pushover to it all (whether he has thoughts on child raising or not).
Then add TV and all the bad input from society... real trouble. need to have real good alignment together from early on.
It is a common discussion because it is an important one.
I get the feeling a lot of times the female decides she wants a baby, gets pregnant, and the man jus just a pushover to it all (whether he has thoughts on child raising or not).
Then add TV and all the bad input from society... real trouble. need to have real good alignment together from early on.
Originally Posted By: 97tbird
10 yrs married - no children - still extremely happy
and in love with each other just like the day we met - as cliche as it may sound, it's true. and we agreed to no kids before we got married.
Finances and kids are main causes of rocky marriages i think,
Smart man..hope she holds up her end of the bargain.
"Hello Kids.. goodbye frequent loving and sex."
10 yrs married - no children - still extremely happy
Finances and kids are main causes of rocky marriages i think,
Smart man..hope she holds up her end of the bargain.
"Hello Kids.. goodbye frequent loving and sex."
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