Used car ad translations

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May 19, 2003
"Project car, good shape, been sitting awhile, this beauty just needs a little Tender Loving Care..."

From the Humor Department: here are some common translations, for anyone buying a car...
If the ad claims: It really means:
All original:Never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced
Loaded with options:Each one more troublesome than the next
Rough condition:Too bad to lie about
Parts Car:Beyond repair
Immaculate:Recently washed
Concours:Recently waxed
Engine quiet:Uses 90-weight oil
Needs minor work:Needs engine
Needs major work:Junkyard doesn't even want it
Burns no oil:Because it all leaks out
Rebuilt engine:Cleaned the spark plugs
Drive it away:Seller lives on a hill
Desirable classic:No one wants it
Rare classic:No one wanted it, even when it was new
Stored 20 years:(in a field)
Ran when stored :Won't start
Never apart:Bolts too rounded to loosen
Solid as a rock:Rusted solid
Restored with 0 miles:Won't start
Restored with 2 miles:Won't stay running
Older restoration:First owner washed it
Good investment:Couldn't be worth less
No time to restore it:Can't obtain parts
95% complete:Other 5% doesn't exist
Interests conflict:"Either that #!@*! thing goes or I go!"
Work truck: Hit it with the bulldozer once..or twice...
Minor dings: Hit it with the skid-steer
High Miles: Absolutely everything needs replacing now
Low Miles: Everything is dry-rotted
Some Rust: 90% of it hidden
Runs good: Until you buy it
Needs brakes: ...calipers, pads, drums, shoes, rotors, master cylinder, rubber lines, metal lines, parking brake cables...
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