Tools

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Columbus Ohio
Found this on another forum and thought it was pretty funny. [Big Grin] ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: (Also known as one-size-fits-none wrench) Used to strip bolt heads. Also functions as impromptu hammer (see Hammer). HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and your new soft top. Somehow these are magically designed so if they slip off the item you are trying to cut, they will be stopped by your nearest uncovered body part (usually the hand). ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Sometimes used to clamp off brake line after being cut with HAND DRILL. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. Usually using the cutting tip instead of the rosebud tip to heat shift handles so they will bend into submission. Known for running out of gas about 90% of the way through a project, Saturday afternoon. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: A device that exerts an extreme amount of pressure to lift a vehicle. Usually doesn't have enough travel and must be lowered and cribbed to get enough height. Lesser quality units have been known to fold when subject to any form of side loading while at full extension or if looked at cross-eyed. EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering big awkward parts when you are by yourself. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters after using the EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2x4. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to give you a hand after you have removed your wood splinter. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically an overpriced tool, useful only for spreading mayonnaise on your sandwich; but used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boots/shoes. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has a machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. Also useful to align motor mounts and bolt holes on spring retainers. There are rumors of screws that require this tool, but this has never been proven, and is considered a legend such as Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. BATTERY CHARGER: Used to charge your dead battery, or at least give you false hope that you won't have to spend $50+ on a new battery. Which is usually what happens anyway. BATTERY JUMPER CABLES: A portable version of the battery charger. These work on the premise that some stranger will be in the same parking lot in the middle of the night, and will allow you to connect them to his/her vehicle. These will usually lie in your car trunk, in a tangled mess, until you need them at which time you will realize you just took them out a few days ago, when you cleaned your car. Now you must hope that the same stranger has a set. Good Luck! AVIATION METAL SNIPS: Used to cut any sheet metal as long as it is 2" long or shorter, and almost thin enough to see thru. Anything longer or thicker will be impossible to cut, or will leave sharp metal "thorns" that cut and poke your hands, until you put it down. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. WARNING: This light is the main cause of burns to the hands and head when working on vehicles. FLASH LIGHT: A portable version of the trouble light, guaranteed to consume space in your glove compartment and have dead batteries when you need it. Should you find one with good batteries, it will produce just enough light that you still can't see what the heck you’re doing. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago, rounding or breaking them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses ½ inch too short. MIG WELDER: A tool used for making the bumper that you saw but didn't want to pay for. Usually leads to purchasing more tools to accomplish a task. Used extensively to pacify the neighbors that need something welded. Letters to the homeowners association stop after you repair that broken gate. RATCHET: When fitted with the correct size socket, this tool is designed to tighten and loosen bolts and nuts. It is designed to never fit and work in any engine compartment of a vehicle built after the mid 1980's. Should you have room to work with this tool, they are designed with a "missing tooth" feature. If any real force is applied the ratchets gears will slip, allowing your hand to hit the sharpest or hottest object near-by. SOCKET: This tool is used with a ratchet to loosen or tighten bolts. However the size you will need is always the one that is missing.
 
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