Those nuts...a gift for a fella's wife..

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Oct 28, 2002
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Everson WA - Pacific NW USA
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary

and I was looking for a little something extra special for my
sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to capacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat
to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
Triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal
surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two Triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little
soul she was), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the

bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with just two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no way!" trust me,

but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, The cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it buddy," and I'm reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the **** of it. (Note: You
know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
*************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, Do it
again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward.
 
Muscles CONTRACT when hit with electricity. That's why if you see someone getting electrocuted you KNOCK them aside, never grab. You must have kept your finger on the trigger, uncontrollably.

Do you have a multimeter? Are those AAA batteries used up? Imagine if they were D-Cells.
shocked.gif


Closest i've come was a bare spark plug terminal; the pulsing was a nice effect.
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Pablo:

Thanks, you absolutely made my day. I'm sitting here wiping the tears away so I can type.
Rainman
 
quote:

Originally posted by eljefino:
Do you have a multimeter? Are those AAA batteries used up? Imagine if they were D-Cells.
shocked.gif


Yeah, I've heard those things hurt.

Maybe we could rig up an auxiliary battery pack for you, use bigger batteries, or maybe more batteries to give it a little more zip, what the heck go for more, bigger batteries.
lol.gif
 
Pablo been holding out on us, he
wink.gif
told this story elsewhere a few months ago but waited till now to share here
dunno.gif
, guess we aren't as important to him as we all thought
frown.gif
. Still funny the second time.
 
I think some people thought this was a true story or something....in fact that's why you guys were scaring me.

You know if it was really me I would have rigged it up to a real power source.....
 
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