The Electric Fence

Joined
Sep 17, 2008
Messages
772
Location
royal oak, mich
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has=2 0a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my testicles trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot [censored], pee, and orgasm at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just [censored] your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or wh oever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. '[censored]!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, semen, and with my testicles on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day20and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things : 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by [censored] while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
Joined
Sep 23, 2007
Messages
8,598
Location
Florida
 Originally Posted By: Big O Dave
Obviously the experience did not affect your ability to write clearly and creatively - nice job, and an excellent story. That sounds like the kind of fence that birds land on, and when they fly away, their feet and legs are still on the fence!
Not happening. Birds stand on high voltage wires and don't get hurt because they have no path to ground. That is an amazing story. I accidentally touched an electric fence, and it paralyzed my leg until I fell away from this fence. I'm amazed your fence didn't put you in the Darwin awards. However, it should be interesting if criminals do the same thing you did, or if they just die.
 
Joined
Jun 3, 2002
Messages
8,283
Location
MI
The one flaw I see in this story is that electric fence chargers do not send out continuous current like house wiring. They send out short pulses of electricity several seconds apart, allowing an animal/person to let go.
 
Joined
Feb 4, 2005
Messages
3,048
Location
the Sandhills of Nebraska
Funny story now that I know it is a joke. We've all heard the "peeing on electric fence" stories. This was inaccurate story but I suppose living out "in the sticks" one must learn to dramatize otherwise life seems just a bit mundane. I have noticed that the most dramatic storytellers come from the South. Up here in Nebraska, life out in the sticks is so brutal, there is no need to dramatize. Somehow I could shake off these hillybilly storytellers when I actually lived in the South. Now that I ain't there no more I just don't have the time for my bud from Florida when he try to tells me a humdinger. He grew up in Alabama by the way.
 
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
436
Location
Gonzales, La.
My electric fence story: 20 years ago or so I had cattle on my property, the total circumference fence with a five strand barbed wire, supplemented with a weedcutting electric fence attached to the fence post a little over knee high. I had found this arrangemnt worked very well securing my cattle and keeping them from pushing their heads between the strands of wire. The electric fence charger was equipped with a "I'm okay light" if the red light was on it indicated the fence was charged and ready to work. The light not shinning indicted the fence was grounded shorted out somewhere along it's path. Because the fence travel through some treed areas it was not unusual to find it grounded out by tree limbs of various sizes. Sometimes a good bit of repair work would be need to restore the barbed wire and the electric fence. On this particular day I went out to find the light out. The youngest son being home and equipped with a minibike, I asked him to ride the line a total of 1-1/2 miles, see if he could clear it or let me know where it was broken. He took off like molasses wanting to be with his buds rather than help the old man fix fence. He returned 15-20 minutes later to tell me a large limb had feel across the fence, requiring tools, chain saw and a couple new post. Loading the truck with the required supplies he and I took off across the field. Sure enough it's a very large limb and it has blasted the fence. Few minutes with the saw and it's clear, couple new post, spliced the barbed wire. Figuring in a few minutes I'd have the electric wire spliced I told him to walk back to the house and plug in the charger. Having rode out in the truck with me and at that time he was not able to drive the truck I figured by the time he used his normal sullen speed I'd have the fence ready. I further instructed him that if the light came on the charger he was free to go have fun with his buddies. well evidently as soon as he got out of sight he started some cross country running that would have done a Zulu warrior proud. My wife who happened to be looking out the window as he came across the pasture later told me that she had never seen the boy move that fast. I swear I had both ends of that hot wire each in a hand, was fixing to bring them together for a good twist, when I heard the electricity hit me, yes that's right I swear I heard it. The ground being damp, I had one sweat dampened knee on the ground, when it hit me. The wire actually left a burn mark on my right hand, I clamped my jaw down so tight I like to have bit my tongue in two. Naturally I released the wire instantly. My head cleared quickly and the next thing I heard was that mini bike cranking up and speeding away from the house. To this day I still think that boy knew what he was doing.
 
Joined
Aug 10, 2004
Messages
1,420
Location
High in the Mountains of Central California
 Originally Posted By: artificialist
 Originally Posted By: Big O Dave
Obviously the experience did not affect your ability to write clearly and creatively - nice job, and an excellent story. That sounds like the kind of fence that birds land on, and when they fly away, their feet and legs are still on the fence!
Not happening.
That's exactly what I was implying...
 
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