Singin' The Blues

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Nov 7, 2002

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the Meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues life-style.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, youcannot sing the blues.
Then there's always the suburban blues according to Martin Mull IIRC.

Badum badum etc....

Well I woke up this morning, both cars were gone;

Well I woke up this Morning, both the Benz and the Jag were gone;

It made me feel so downhearted;

I threw my drink across the lawn.
Da BITOG Blues
(By Henry Gibson

*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
Tired o' huggy-touchy-feely
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
A-Girly stuff on TV.
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
Whiny-a** teenagers
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
no en'ertainment fo' me.
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
So I get on the 'net, yeah,
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
Go straight to B-I-T-O-G
*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
Even log in on weekends

*ba-BUM ba-Bum*
And I *Still* can't find no G-C!

My name is Stuart Hughes,
Got them mean-dawg BITOG blues,
From the tip-top of my head
Down to the tip-toes of my shoes.

Naaw, Never foun' no German Castrol,
I got them BITOG blues.
Shame on you guys.
I LOVE the blues. I can pick up one of my harmonicas and play a blues riff that just comes into my head and that I make up as I go along. The blues is life.
LOL, my little girl is riding her trike (inside, feels like the first day of winter has struck).

She started "It's a long long road...but we're going to make it one day"...made me relook at this.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Don't tell Jonny Lang...
" When he began his career at 13 years old, his voice, which sounded aged and weathered, inspired US News World Report to write, " Don't be fooled by that peach smooth face. Jonny Lang has the voice of a grizzled blues veteran with a 20 year Marlboro habit- and guitar skills to match."
I first saw him in Blues Brothers 2, and have been a fan ever since. That kid can play. Get a copy of Lie to Me from your local library or record store. You will not be disappointed.
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