- Dec 14, 2003
- Los Angeles
Here is an interesting article that some board members may have missed. (AP) The Black Forest is known as the happiest place on earth. It is where German Castrol is produced by elves. In reality, the Black Forest is a land of misery, expliotation, pain, and suffering. The plant is owned by British Petrolem and it is run by the former owner, Wolfgang Castrol. Castrol often post happy messages about happy elves under the pseudonym "Pschote" on the Bobistheoilguy message board. The messages that he post have nothing to do with reality. The elves are forced to work 20 hour shifts without a lunch or a toilet break. As a result, most elves wear diapers during their work shift, Depends is their diaper of choice. He has also told them, "Nein a sexin in zee Black Forest" (no sex in the Black Forest). This really doesn't make any difference since most elves are too tired and too filthy to reproduce. The elf population has fallen dramatically. Elf Population 1950 50,000 2005 1,000 Source: Federal Republic of Germany Census When British Petrolem was contacted for comment, all they had to say was that Mr. Castrol was in control of the plant and had their complete backing. They also added that he had many year of experience working with elves. Some elves have run away from the Black Forest and have attempted to find employment elsewhere but employment opportunites are limited for the severely vertically challenged. On elf, Johanne went to Stuttgart and got a job as a test driver for Diamler-Benz. However, he was fired after he crashed 10 cars in one day. He claimed that he was not provided with enough pillows and could not see over the dashboard. Dialmer-Benz claimed that he is a lousey driver who they cannot afford to keep around. Johanne soon made his way back to the Castrol plant to ask for his old job back. Wolfgang Castrol is a cruel and sadistic man, of this there can be no doubt. His cruelity was witnessed first hand by this reporter. When Castrol found that the elves were talking to this reporter he gathered them around him and said, "Vhy did you talk vith dat reporter? Haven't I been like a daddy to you people?" At that point, Ralf, a 65 year old elf said, "Mr. Castrol, it has been a long time since I have needed a daddy." Wolfgang Castrol then took out a whip and began to flog the little fellow. The other elves had to take him outside of the plant and patch his wounds with mud since there is not first aid kit inside of the plant. Safety standard are notiably lacking at the plant. Each elf is required to blend 3,000 gallons of GC a day. Near the end of one shift, Hans, a 72 year old elf, fell into a hot vat of GC. It turned a reddish/brown color. After hearing about the accident, Wolfgang Castrol dropped by the plant and said, "I understand that you have been putting quadrupple esters in zee oil lately. My Porsche has never run so smoothly or reved so high. Ha, Ha, Ha. I dink dat I vill put some in zee Mercedes as well" The cries of the wailing elves became deafening as Castrol mocked the death of their fallen comrade. Something obviously need to be done to help the elves. However, they do not want to see a boycott of German Castrol. The elves are proud of the oil they produce and in fact consider themselves to be artist. One elf said, "Why is art only considered to be oil on canvas. Why can't art be the oil instead." They only want one thing, to kill Wolfgang Castrol. So there you have it. The situation in the Black Forest is very intense. Update (AP) Wolfgang Castrol is missing. Johanne, the former Mercedes test driver has been seen driving his Porsche. Yep, you got it he wrecked it. Elves have been seen sexin in the Black Forest and there are reports that several female elves are pregnant. What has happened to Wolfgang Castrol? No one knows the answer to this question. However, GC is now a reddish/brown color again.