Real life is funnier than fiction

[sprintman]

QUIZMANIA (ITV) > Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. > Contestant: Doctor. > Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. > Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. > > DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) > Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every > year? > Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. > Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? > Contestant: Cartons? > > BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) > Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? > Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. > Theakston: There's a clue in the title. > Contestant: Leicester. > > BBC NORFOLK > Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: I don't know. > White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your > hand and your elbow? > Contestant: Arm. > White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? > Contestant: Strong. > White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? > Contestant: Louis. > White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song > What A Wonderful World? > Contestant: Frank Sinatra? > > LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) > Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? > Contestant: France. > Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. > Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. > Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is > the Parthenon? > Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. > Trelinski: Just guess a country then. > Contestant: Paris. > > UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) > Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and > 'cheesemongers'? > Contestant: Homosexuals. > Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset > with you. > > THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) > Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all > written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the > Conservative > Party? > Contestant: The Conservative Party. > > BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) > DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? > Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? > > THE WEAKEST LINK > Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? > Contestant: Jool carriageway? > > UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE > Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? > Contestant: Goosey? > GWR FM (Bristol) > Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? > Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. > > RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) > Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about > pensioners: Last Of The ...? > Caller: Mohicans. > > QUIZMANIA > Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. > Contestant: Grandfather. > Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. > Contestant: Panda. > > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) > Phil: What's 11 squared? > Contestant: I don't know. > Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. > Contestant: Is it five? > > RICHARD AND JUDY > Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? > A: Forrest Gump. > > RICHARD AND JUDY > Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? > Contestant: Er . . . > Leslie: He makes bread . . . > Contestant: Er . . . > Leslie: He makes cakes . . .. > Contestant: Kipling Street? > > MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) > Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? > Contestant: Erm . . . > Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. > Contestant: 1965? > > SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) > Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? > Contestant: Six. > Tufnell: Higher! > Contestant: Five. > > FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) > Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED > and PIT. > Team: Chedpit. > > LINCS FM PHONE-IN > Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? > Contestant: Barcelona. > Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. > Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. > > RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW > Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? > Contestant: 23. > > NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) > Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? > Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it? > Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the > letter 'e'. > Contestant: Ghana. > Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. > Contestant: New Zealand. > > NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) > Question: What is the world's largest continent? > Contestant: The Pacific > > ROCK FM (PRESTON) > Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a > famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. > Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? > > THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) > Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? > Contestant: Magna Carta. > > JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) > O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? > Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er > ... > three? > > NATIONAL LOTTERY > Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? > Contestant: Jelly. > > RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) > Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess > of victory? > Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? > > BLIND DATE (ITV) > Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. > Boy: Charlotte Bronte. > > CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) > Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? > Caller: Japan. > Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, > I can let you try again. > Caller: Er ... Mexico? > > DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) > Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? > Contestant: Enid Blyton > > PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) > Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? > Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. > > NATIONAL LOTTERY > Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? > Contestant: Basketball. > > NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ > Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? > Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbour? > > DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) > Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? > Contestant: Holland? > Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. > Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? > Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? > Contestant: No. > > PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) > Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? > Contestant: Er . . . > Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .. > Contestant: Blimey? > Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .. . > Contestant: (Silence) > Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . > Contestant: Walked? > > NATIONAL LOTTERY > Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) > Irish > Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? > Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, > Dale. > It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea. > > THE VAULT > Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer > can fall asleep at any time? > Contestant: Nostalgia. > > LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) > Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? > Contestant: Jewish. > Presenter: That's close enough. > > BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 > Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? > Contestant: Ummm . . . > Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. > Contestant: Shark. > > STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) > Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging > character clad only in a loincloth did he play? > Contestant: ----. JR -------------- There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works !! I only open my mouth to change feet !! Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband !!