PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

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PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much
pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll
still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The
police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a
non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here;
I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion
 
There was the person who sent ten different puns to
various people, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 
One more: thanks Johnny, for starting this wonder thread:

- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
 
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

22. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

23. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

24. Decimals have a point.

25. He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

26. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

27. He stooped over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

28. A garbage man is often down in the dumps.
 
The dentist's alibi was full of holes, so the police performed a cavity search.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

“People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.”

People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking on Eire.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

An electrician claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
 
To many girls the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I get my large circumference from too much pi.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The careless pyromaniac made an ash of himself.

An electrician is a bright spark who knows what's watt.
 
Two atoms were traveling through a particle accelerator.
One got bumped and said to the other one I think I just lost an electron.
The other said are you sure?
The first one said I'm positive.
 
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