An actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank > manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY Times. > To whom it may concern, > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to > pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have > elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of > the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly > transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I > admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended > for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my > account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused > me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally > attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am > confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity > which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only > to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will > therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank > by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your > bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal > Act for any other person to open such an envelope. > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in > order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, > there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history > must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of > his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be > accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee > with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that > it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the > number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on > your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. > > Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, > you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose > from. > > Please press the buttons as follows: > 1- To make an appointment to see me. > 2- To query a missing payment. > 3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > 4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. > 5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. > 6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. > 7- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer > is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the > Authorized Contact. > 8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. > 9- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on > hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While > this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play > for the duration of the call. > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new > arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion. > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. > > Your Humble Client,