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Jun 23, 2004
An actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank
> manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the NY Times.

To whom it may concern,
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
> pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
> elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of
> the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I
> admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended
> for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
> account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
> me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
> attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
> confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity
> which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only
> to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
> therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank
> by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your
> bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal
> Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require
> your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
> order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
> there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
> must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
> with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
> it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
> number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
> your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me,
> you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
> from.
> Please press the buttons as follows:
> 1- To make an appointment to see me.
> 2- To query a missing payment.
> 3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> 6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
> is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
> Authorized Contact.
> 8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> 9- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
> hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
> this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
> for the duration of the call.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
> arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
> Your Humble Client,
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