Oil changes instructions: Men vs. Women

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Jun 2, 2003
Long Beach, CA
Saw this in another forum.

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

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Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up, spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process, Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Open another beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Open another beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Cuss.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because your wrench hit your new tool box.
36) Open another beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
38) Open another beer.
39) Open another beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Open another beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush the remaining case of new motor oil!
44) Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.
45) Open another Beer.
46) Test drive truck.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Truck gets impounded.
49) Call wife, to make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

I've been very CLOSE to that scenario...
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