Notice of Revocation of US Independence.....

Not open for further replies.
Feb 2, 2004

by Basil Fawlty
Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

Thank you for saving us. It has been a most displeasuring event living under the colours of the red wite and blue.
Once again, Thanks.
Dear England, You would not exist today if the United States had not saved your skin in World War II. You live in freedom due to American blood being spilt.
Australia rates down there with the French and the Canucks. You have your freedom courtesy of the American tax payer and their military!
Thanks as opposed to nonsense would be more appropriate.

Originally posted by thinshavings:
Oh, and I guess this means we all stop going to the Dentist??

Good one.

Actually, I'd take England up on the good things on the list....real beer, less political correctness, solving your problems without lawyers and therapists, and please give us roundabouts.

Thank you for saving us. It has been a most displeasuring event living under the colours of the red wite and blue.

But they're red white and blue too!


please give us roundabouts.

They just installed one of those infernal contraptions on a perfectly good major intersection here in town. Looks exactly like it dropped in from England. I expect the accident rate here to go up by at least 10%.
The dumb replies show again that American's have absolutely no sense of humour. If it wasn't for England there wouldn't be an America, an Australia, a Canada, a New Zealand etc etc. Oh and you can keep roundabouts. This city has become the roundabout capital of the world and smash repairers just love them.

Originally posted by sprintman:
The dumb replies show again that American's have absolutely no sense of humour.

Put that broad brush away Sprintman, at least 10% of us have sense of humo(u)r. It's the other 90% that gives us a bad name.

Why did Oz get the convicts and America the religious fanatics?

Oz had first choice.
My humble apologies. Yes there are some such as yourself and Tony who do 'get it' but most havn't a clue. If some enterprising person was to open an "international College of Humour" in the States they'd would make an absolute fortune. Then we wouldn't have to suffer the likes of Seinfeld, Raymond in the Middle, That '70s Show, and what has to be a new all time low 'My Wife and Kids.' Yeeeeech!!
Hey, I said it with humor maybe it is not your type of humor but, the truth is the truth. I'd put money on it I've got a better sense of humor than most people. My sense of humor tends to be on the gross side though!

Originally posted by sprintman:
The dumb replies show again that American's have absolutely no sense of humour. If it wasn't for England there wouldn't be an America, an Australia, a Canada, a New Zealand etc etc. Oh and you can keep roundabouts. This city has become the roundabout capital of the world and smash repairers just love them.

And if it weren't for America, there would be no England, Australia, Canada or New Zealand, also add every other country in the world while you're at it.
Doug, you're wrong. There would still be all those places, they would just be spelled with funny looking letters and have statues of Lenin in all of the towns. As for the "international College of Humour", perhaps they could open one in Europe with classes like dressing in drag 101, and how to speak like a cockney English fishwife 210.
Think about. Where would the mentioned countries be without the United States? I'm for Isolationism myself. We can't find the funds for important things such as Law Enforcement, Our own poor, roads and bridges but, some how we found 15 Billion dollars for Afganistan! Europe especially thinks that they did it themselves. What a laugh. Europe would have been taken over by the Russians along time ago if it were not for the US. No one can stand there and tell me without the US that Europe even if united could have taken on the Russians in a World War III situation. Europe, you are very arrogant. Oh yea, we would like our payments for lend-lease for war materials and supplies from World War II. Did you forget to pay your bills?
Not open for further replies.