I love you honey, be strong

[Dave424]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Quattro Pete]

 

[StevieC]

 

[ToyotaNSaturn]

LOL!!!!

 

[Shagger]

Two young boys were playing catch with a football in Grant Park in Chicago and a vicious dog attacked the one. The other boy came to his aid and managed to beat the dog off with sticks and rocks and hitting it with the football. A man rushed over and said, "Wow young man that was very impressive, you were able to save your friend so quickly!". "I am a reporter for the Tribune and would love to write a story about your heroic rescue", "I am thinking a good headline would be 'Amazing little Bears fan fights off rabid mongrel to save his friend', what do you think?". The boy thinks and says "Well sir, that wouldn't work because I am not a Bears fan". The reporter is taken aback and says, "Well, what about 'Viking fan comes to friends aid'?". The boy draws himself up and says, "Well that's not correct either sir since I am a PACKER fan". The reporter is completely non-plussed and says, "OK how about this, 'Little cheese-head [censored] kills beloved family pet!"?

 

[Shagger]

or....

3 southern women are sitting on the front porch discussing the gifts their men had given them. The first one says, "See that Escalade in the driveway, my man gave me that as a birthday present" The 2nd woman says "Wow!, he must really love you.", the 3rd woman says, "How nice." The 2nd woman then shows off her massive diamond ring, "See this ring, my husband gave me that on our anniversary." The first woman remarks, "AWESOME!" The 3rd woman says, "How nice." The first two women look at the 3rd woman and remark, "Doesn't your husband give you any presents?".
The 3rd woman replies, "For my Birthday, my husband gave me charm school and etiquette lessons." The first two women look puzzled, "Why would he give you those?". The 3rd woman replies, "so now whenever I feel like telling someone to go F*** themselves, I just say, 'How nice...'".

 

[Shagger]

in honor of this weekends cross-town classic:

Little Johnny's teacher asked him whether he was a Cubs fan or a Sox fan. Johnny replied, "I am a Cubs fan teacher". "Why?" his
teacher asked him. "Well", Johnny replied, "Both my mom and dad are Cubs fans, so they taught me how to be a Cubs fan".
"That is wrong", said Johnny's teacher, "What if your mom and dad were a hooker and a drug dealer. Would that mean you would become a hooker or drug dealer?"
"No", said Johnny, "That would mean I would be a Sox fan".

 

[StevieC]

Originally Posted By: Shagger
in honor of this weekends cross-town classic:

Little Johnny's teacher asked him whether he was a Cubs fan or a Sox fan. Johnny replied, "I am a Cubs fan teacher". "Why?" his
teacher asked him. "Well", Johnny replied, "Both my mom and dad are Cubs fans, so they taught me how to be a Cubs fan".
"That is wrong", said Johnny's teacher, "What if your mom and dad were a hooker and a drug dealer. Would that mean you would become a hooker or drug dealer?"
"No", said Johnny, "That would mean I would be a Sox fan".

 

[greenaccord02]

There's some gems here. Very good stuff.

 

[SLCraig]

Originally Posted By: ToyotaNSaturn
LOL!!!!

 

[Shagger]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

 

[saberz]

lol Great stuff!