- Jun 28, 2005
Fighter Pilots Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between [censored] and fighter pilots A: [censored] doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. Shave and a haircut A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like." Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers Dear Ma & Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. Military Truisms • "Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher] • When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual] • Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground. • Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. • If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush. • If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. • Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. • No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. • Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once. • If the enemy is in range, so are you. • Tracers work both ways. • Friendly fire isn't. • Five second fuses only last three seconds. • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. • The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. • Incoming fire has the right of way. • The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. • If you can see the enemy, he can see you. • And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do The Prayers of Officers One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The Air Force Colonel called out to [censored], praying, "Please [censored], give me the strength to cross this river." POOF! [censored] gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times. Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to [censored] saying, "Please [censored], give me the strength and tools to cross this river." POOF! [censored] gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times. The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to [censored], he said, "Pleae [censored], give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." POOF! [censored] turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge. Experience Wanted Shortly after joing the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?" A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!" "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."