Family Ettiquette Question for Christmas Dinner

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Hmmmm...

Shes part of your family, which they need to accept at some point... but you need to respect your fiancee. You and she will hopefully be together and share many christmases together. This one is one to specd with the old family as to help closure. It seems your fisncee recognizes her place isnt there. If she forbids you from going, you mught want to re-look your new relationship.

Id go, and if the timing is right, or else another time, share the news with the FIL. It is what it is. Now just may not be the time.
 
I think you might be overblowing and thinking of the negative of the situation.

If you got divorced and the person was still alive, that would definitely be an awkward situation as there is a fight for placement.
But as the person has passed instead and it's been a few years, there maybe a welcoming instead of a conflict or fight. You aren't blamed for what happened (otherwise why are you still invited to get togethers).
Why is there a jump to conclusions that they are going to react negatively to this? Agree, call and talk and see if you can get a temperature of the situation and get it out in the open.



Regarding your fiancee, definitely respect her feelings, but find out the reality and removes the false and negative thought. If she's nervous about going, that's fine and understandable, and you should discuss and work through that anxiety as HER problem not the problem from the previous spouse family.
You should discuss it truthfully and remove the false excuses of "the other side doesn't want me there, it's their fault".

I suppose another question is do you like these people? Do you enjoy interacting with them, if they were strangers and you didn't have a family connection? Or are you still in contact only because you feel you have to because they are "family"?

If you do like them, why not approach it in that fashion, and take away the compulsory nature of it.
 
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I think a large family gathering is probably not the right time for them to find this out, it has a high likely hood of being very uncomfortable for your fiancé. Depending on how reliable she has been in the past, the fact that you have not heard from the niece in law may also be telling.

On the flip side the more time and family gatherings go by you do not attend, the worse it is likely to be.

I won't pretend to know what this must be like, but it seems to me that the fact that you had the niece in law keep it under wraps probably says something, and it put her in a awkward place as well...

I'm sure the reason you're reluctant to share the news is probably out of respect for them, but respect in this case may mean being honest with them about it, but probably not surprising them at a family gathering...
 
Originally Posted By: dlayman
While I think both you and your fiancee would be welcome, I think foremost you need to respect the feelings of your fiancee. If she doesn't want to go, don't pressure her to and don't go without her, spend the time with her. I don't mean to sound cold, and I know your heart is in the right place, but your first loyalty should be to your bride to be. You can see your former FIL / family a different time, hopefully with your fiancee.


+1

Time to move on.
 
Originally Posted By: LoneRanger
Frankly my fiancee has expressed reluctance and tells me that their first Christmas gathering at the family place where my late wife grew up, after losing the matriarch of the family pretty much freaks her out and makes her feel iffy about going as the new woman.


You need go no further. Wait until she's reasonably comfortable before going.
 
Originally Posted By: CT8
Originally Posted By: pandus13
LoneRanger,Life trows us many balls and sometime we need to move on. Growing up ain't for sissies...
What is really interesting is the other day I was working in my shop and I just busted out is a crying fit saying out loud Dad why didn't you tell me life is so tough. Then it seemed I got an answer... If I told you how tough life could be you wouldn't believe me. I was blessed having my Dad until I was 57. Seems you had to be a man sooner.


[off-topic]
CT8, you are older than me, but I respectfully suggest to smell the roses/close your eyes/breath/watch the sunset/sundown.
i don't drink much these days, but i send a good cold virtual one your way
cheers my internet friend and all the best in the new year.
[/off-topic]
 
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