Ed's crop of jokes

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Okay, gang, here we go, and sorry in advance if you don't like these: --I.-- Attorney General John Ashcroft is addressing a fourth-grade classroom. After giving the kids the usual story about how the government works and what the Attorney General's office does, he says, "All right, now I'll take some questions." Little Bobby raises his hand, then says, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. "First, how can you say you're winning the war on terrorism when you haven't captured Osama bin Laden yet? "Second, how can you say the war in Iraq was justified when no one has found any weapons of mass destruction? "And third, why are you using the Patriot Act to take away our rights and freedoms?" Just then the recess bell rings. All of the children go out to play and then return 15 minutes later. Ashcroft says, "Well, class, sorry about the interruption. Let's go back to your questions." A little girl raises her hand. "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions for you. "First, how can you say you're winning the war on terrorism when you haven't captured Osama bin Laden yet? "Second, how can you say the war in Iraq was justified when no one has found any weapons of mass destruction? "Third, why are you using the Patriot Act to take away our rights and freedoms? "Fourth, why did the recess bell ring ten minutes early? "And fifth, where's Bobby?" --II.-- A successful businessman and his wife are eating dinner in a swanky restaurant. Suddenly, a hot young woman walks up to the husband, gives him a French kiss, and walks away, saying, "See you soon." His wife is livid. "And just who was that?" The husband answers, "Oh, that's my mistress." The wife explodes. "That does it! I should have known. That's the final straw. I want a divorce!" The husband says, "Well, that's your choice. But you have to realize that after you get your divorce, there won't be any more vacations on the Riviera, any more vacation home in the Caribbean, any Mercedes or Lexus in the driveway, or any more expensive private school for the kids. But it's entirely up to you." Just then a mutual acquaintance walks into the restaurant with another hot young woman on his arm. The wife says, "Who's that woman with Bill?" The husband answers, "Oh, that's Bill's mistress." The wife stares for a minute and then says, "Our mistress is prettier." --III.-- The third-grade teacher is having her class explain old sayings with examples from their lives. She says, "Okay, Jimmy, you first." Jimmy says, "Well, ma'am, once I had a glass of nice cold milk for breakfast, but as soon as I reached for it, I knocked it over and spilled all of it. I started to cry, but Mom said, 'Why are you crying? It's done. Get over it.'" The teacher responds, "And what would you say the moral was?" "Well, ma'am, I guess you could say, 'There's no use crying over spilled milk.'" "Very good, Jimmy. And what's yours, Bobby?" Bobby says, "Ma'am, on our farm our chickens laid a bunch of eggs. We were figuring out how much we'd get from selling all the chicks, but only some of the eggs hatched after all." "And what was the moral of your story?" "Well, I guess it's 'Don't count your chickens before they hatch.'" "Very good, Bobby." Just then Billy, who was from the rougher side of town, raises his hand. The teacher reluctantly says, "And what's your story, Billy?" Billy says, "Well, my dad told me about my Aunt Mary. She was in the Special Forces during the war against Iraq in 1991. She parachuted out of a plane with her AR-15, a knife, and a bottle of whiskey. On her way down, she didn't want the whiskey bottle to break, so she drank the whole thing. As soon as she hit the ground, the enemy started coming at her. She shot eighty enemy soldiers before she ran out of ammo. Then she pulled out her knife and killed ten more before the knife broke off in one of them. Finally, she killed ten more with her bare hands." The teacher was aghast. "Billy, that's a horrible story! And just what did your dad say was the moral of this tale?" "Dad said, 'That means, stay away from your Aunt Mary when she's been drinking!'" --IV.-- The Sesame Street Special Education primary school hired a new bus driver. He was given the keys to the bus and a list of students to pick up. On his first morning, he comes to his first stop, and a rather fat little girl steps aboard the bus. She says, "Hi, my name's Patty," and sits down. At the next stop an even fatter little girl boards the bus. She also says, "Hi, my name's Patty," and sits down. At the next stop is standing a skinny little boy with crutches, thick glasses, and a helmet. According to the list, this is "Special" Ross. The driver stops the bus and gets out, picks up "Special" Ross and places him in a seat, and then continues. At the next stop a normal-looking boy gets on without saying anything. The driver sees on his list that the kid goes by the nickname Lester T. Lester T. sits in back. A few minutes later, a horrible odor emanates from the back of the bus. The driver looks in his mirror and sees to his horror that Lester T. has pulled off his shoes and socks and is picking at grotesque bunions on his feet. The bus driver is grossed out so much that he slams the bus into a guardrail. The cops and paramedics arrive, and as the children are being loaded onto ambulances, one of the cops starts to write the driver a ticket. He says, "Oh, come on, officer, give me a break! Before nine in the morning I've had two obese Patties, 'Special' Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!" --V.-- Um, I'd better not tell this one. It involves a wino passed out in an alley. Till next time . . . [ April 21, 2004, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: ekrampitzjr ]
 
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