Dog and Cat Diarys

Messages
13,132
Location
By Detroit
*A DOG'S DIARY*: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! *A CAT'S DIARY*: Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
 
Messages
43,656
Location
'Stralia
I always thought cats were vile, evil, plotting creatures. (Our current cat worked out that my partner was pregnant, almost before we did...and decided that defecating between us at 4AM would rectify the situation...apparently it's cold under the house in winter these days.
 
Messages
8,711
Location
Nothern USA
DOGS DIARY 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn\'t go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don\'t know why. 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you\'d think they\'d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn\'t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support. 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It\'s not easy being a dog. 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it\'s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he\'d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don\'t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy. 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I\'m sorry, but he should know that I can\'t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he\'d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack. 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. \"Drip \'till you drop\" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don\'t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn\'t a male in the neighborhood who couldn\'t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him. 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn\'t know what he\'s missing. 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this? 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone is home. Ah, the life of a dog.
 
Top