Did you have a REAL DAD, or a distant/absent biological donor?

[Popsy]

I grew up without a father. In a country and time where it wasn't easy/possible for a single woman to adopt or get a donation to get a kid...my mother was told "just go to a night club and have fun".
So I have a biological father, which I've met 3 or 4 times over the last 30 years, he seems like a good/decent person but I don't know anything about him, nor am interested really. We do however look alike!
When I see some stories I think that maybe I didn't do too bad, even without a "father" model.

 

[wpod]

I have to add I had uncles and few friends dads that took me as their other sons. Between them and my dad I was blessed. They taught me so much. With out their guidence I would be a huge zero, when processing thoughts their wisdom comes to mind and helps me as they were there in person giving me advice.

 

[bbhero]

My father drank…. A lot.

He was a good, good man…. But he hid that good man a whole, whole, whole lot of the time by drinking so much.

He said very, very, very nasty things about my mom in my presence when they were getting separated and divorced because he drank alcohol way too much.

I finally had enough at the age of 20 and went off on him verbally nuclear style with the inclusion of every bad word you can think of… It needed to happen. He earned it. I did that probably 6-7 times within the next 4 years. To my dad’s credit though he never escalated the circumstance. I think it stunned him and shocked him greatly.

The normally very sensitive young guy I was … had a temper and pack of wild dogs within him. My dad found out and it was not what he was expecting.

I never felt bad about that happening. Never.

I almost… put my hands on him on July 4th 2002… He was acting very nasty and talking to me like I was a 13 year old kid. Except I was a grown man who was bigger than him and well stronger than him.

This incident was not just about father and son… no. It was a matter of respect and I was not having anyone much less him talk to me in that manner. I remember walking by him with tears streaming down my face telling him in a very angry tone he’d better not say a word to me.

I really don’t think I would have swung at him and punched him in the face. But I was literally a eye lash beat away from grabbing him and throwing him into the wall behind him and pinning him against it with my forearm in his throat.

I thank God that never happened. Though it did scare me a whole lot. And the last 8 years of his life on this planet I was leery being around him.

He was the first patient I ever ever listened to their lung sounds with a stethoscope and heard a major change and I knew his time was very, very short. Less than 18 hours later he died.

He had so much good in him… terribly sad.

 

[KrisZ]

Interesting topic and responses. It seems to me that abusive dads are remembered and treated much worse than abusive moms. Maybe it’s because this is a bunch of men talking and we tend to be closer to our moms even if they are bad. Interesting non the less.

 

[RDY4WAR]

My father, as I stated earlier in the thread, was very passive. Here's a couple stories about him that changed something in me.

When I was 14, I was building my first engine. It was a basic 350 SBC, all stock rebuild. My father showed me how to do it several times, allowed me to help out, and then this one was the first one done on my own from start to finish. When I was done with it, I put in the oil, primed the system, and started it up to begin the break-in process. About 5 minutes into the break-in, I start hearing a knocking sound that was getting progressively louder. I shut the engine off, asked my father for his opinion, and he said I forgot to torque the rod bolts on the #2 rod. He watched me skip that rod and said nothing. I was mad, asked why he didn't say anything then, and he said it was because I wouldn't have learned my lesson. That he told me several times before to always double check my torque specs, that he didn't need to say it again, and it was time to learn the lesson the hard way. I had to tear it down, clean the crank, and replace the bearing it chewed up. I was upset with him for a while after that, but I've been strict on my torque specs, double and triple checking, ever since then so it had the intended effect.

When I was 17, the Xbox 360 came out, and a friend of mine got one. One day, I skipped school. I left the house like I was going to school but drove to my friend's house instead and playing on the Xbox all day. I then came home at my normal time, thinking I'd gotten away with it. The next morning, I was woken up to my alarm about 30 minutes earlier than usual. My backpack was at the side of my bed and very full and heavy. The entire 800 page shop manual for my car was in the backpack, and it had a note stuck to it that read "We know you skipped school yesterday. When you put your car back together, you can drive to school again. Until then, catch the bus." or something to that affect. I stepped outside to find my car on blocks, the wheels off, brakes all apart and fluid drained, suspension taken apart, every light bulb removed, exhaust removed, half the engine torn down, the cam spun out of time, sensors all unplugged and removed, every fuse and relay removed, bolts tossed in a common bucket, radiator removed, all oils and fluids drained, rear axles removed from the housing, driveshaft was out, trans pan was off and valve body removed, etc... he had spent over 5 hours through the night tearing the car apart. I couldn't use the internet for help, only that manual. I couldn't use power tools, only hand tools. I couldn't ask for help except from him and only on things where a second person was necessary such as bleeding the brakes or checking lights. It took me about 3 weeks, working on it a couple hours each day after school, to put it back together and driving. Let me tell you, I didn't skip school again, and got to know that car very well.

 

[PandaBear]

Interestingly, a lot of strangers our family met, especially the lower educated ones who speak their minds, would assumed that I was adopted because I neither resemble my mom or my dad, and I have a different accent. However I do look like my cousins and my different accent was due to me grew up in a different place as my parents. I'm biologically their son.

 

[carviewsonic]

Until I was a teenager Dad was pretty good. He took me fishing and hunting, rode trail bikes (motorcycles) together, had me help him rebuild a Honda 70cc bike engine as a learning experience. He was strict, but could be fun too.
For some reason things went off the rails during my teenage years. I could certainly be stubborn, but he was harsh and critical, just difficult to be around. After I left home visits home were mostly for my Mom’s sake. His Dad had a rough childhood, so I think it was related to that in a way.
Things between us didn’t really turn around until he retired, even though my wife and I were doing well and raising our three kids. Then the critical or derogatory remarks stopped, and he became a much kinder and warmer person towards me.
Glad it did change for the better, we made some good memories before he passed.

 

[2005jettatdi]

I read this at my Dad's funeral in 2014. I remember the first time I read The Unknown Citizen by W. H. Auden, I thought, that is my father:

The Common Citizen (with apologies to W. H. Auden)

(To JNL/22 M 1125 This Granite Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employer, Boeing Company, Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Association reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Association shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a martini.
The Press reports that he read the Wall Street Journal every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was twice in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the home mortgage
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A Heathkit phonograph, a car, a boat and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace: when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

I thought about reading it just as Auden wrote it, but the changes I made were very minor. My mother wanted more changes, but I wanted it to be as close to how Auden wrote it as possible.

Was my father perfect? Far from it. But, he always did his best to do what was right, always served both his church, his country in WWII, and his community. He and my mother raised five of us who all went to college, married and have produced 21 grandchildren and a whole bunch of great grandchildren.

 

[SeaJay]

Real one.

 

[Hillbilly Deluxe]

I grew up without a father or other father-like figure in a single mother household. My sperm donor walked out when I was 9 years old. He is some miracle of science. He's about 77 years old, IIRC, has drank and smoked heavily since he was about 10-12 years old. He's had two bouts of colon cancer and he's still kicking for all I know. He's got 10 or 11 siblings, I think all but about 2 or 3 are still alive. I'm in communication with one of his brothers who took on the job of doing some family reunions several years ago. I attended one and saw my sperm donor for the first time in at least 25 years. He was about 65 then?, and looked to be mid-50's. Crazy.

I had several good friends who I acquired different characteristics from their fathers and their fathers would step in at times and guide me, help me, discipline me when needed.

I certainly missed out on a lot of stuff. I really hate I did not have a father figure who could have shown me things, expose me to different things and more of the world until I was out on my own and began exploring things I never knew about until my mid 20's and on. I am jealous of people who had a good set of parents who did that for their kids. My mother did all she could, she did enforce the fact that I needed to get an education and pursue employment with good benefits (health insurance, retirement plan, etc.)

I have no desire to build a relationship with my sperm donor. If I did, I could have done so starting in 2008 when I re-met him at the reunion. He's always basically lived in a trailer and shacked up with some woman through his life as I understand it. He was supposedly one of the best heavy equipment / excavation operators there has ever been. He also performed carpentry work, automobile mechanics, etc. Last time I talked to him, he was helping a guy here and there dig ditches with a shovel and living in a trailer in a trailer park in the Tampa metro area. In his early 70's.....

 

[k1xv]

I graduated high school a month after my 17th birthday, and was considered a bright student with a lot of potential. My morbidly thrifty father, who was also suspicious of any government application where he had to disclose his income, refused to allow me to apply to colleges, even ones with scholarships. Instead, I went to a commuter college. Because I was still a minor, at that time I could not apply for the scholarships or admissions without parental disclosure of family income.

If I had it to do over again, I would have enlisted in the Air Force, be free of any dependence on him, at set my own course with the help of Uncle Sam.

 

[GSCJR]

Both, my dad suffers from bi-polar disorder.

 

[AutoMechanic]

Real dad only. Very fortunate to still have him too. We almost lost him in 2011 to a truck accident but they were able to get him out before the truck burst into flames and blew up. He got run into on the capital beltway in Bethesda Maryland by a drunk driver sent him straight up in the air and down the jersey wall on to the shoulder of the road where he skid about 300 feet with the truck laying on its side just scratching the pavement. People in the car were not injured. He was covered in diesel fuel and everything in the truck had fallen on top of him. Something sparked and the truck began to burn as the two baseball players were behind him and beat the window out with a baseball bat. They found his phone and called my mom to introduce themselves and tell her what happened. If not for those two guys my dad wouldn’t have made it as emergency vehicles were trying to navigate through traffic and also be careful on the ice as it was snowy and very icy out. Thank you to the kind big man named Andrew and his friend who saved him and covered him in a coat. I think I’d be lost in life without him. He has taught me many things. Always wanted to practice baseball with me too and done his best despite having lifelong disabilities from the accident. Has very limited use in his left arm from it and can’t raise his left arm above his head so it was hard for him to try to catch a baseball but he still always made it a point to try. He also has supported my hobbies more than mom ever will haha. He also paid thousands of dollars for me when I had seizures as a baby and I mean 10s of thousands of dollars. He was the only one working at the time so it was all on him.

He also taught me right and wrong and sometimes he would whip my tail if I needed it haha but that’s his job. He has given me lots of advice and everything when I needed it especially about girls and just life and all of that too. He also buys me stuff all the time too but sometimes he makes me buy it haha. Just many amazing things. He does the same for my sister and for his grandkids too. He is also the reason for many things in my life too. He was the one who told me i could get the phone that I wanted when mom was like no you need to get this one because she was anti iPhone lol. Just small stuff like that. And he doesn’t make me pay anything besides insurance but that’s an agreement with both of them I don’t have to pay anything.

He will be 63 this year I’ll be 21 my sister will be 32. People often criticized him for waiting so long to have kids but he didn’t care he told them off. I hope he has many more years to come. One day I’ll move out of his house but not anytime soon I don’t have the money for that lol. My parents say you need to find a girlfriend who can cater to your needs and who you can live with lol.

Long story short I don’t know what I’d do without him. I would be lost in this world and would have gotten myself in trouble by now.

 

[53' Stude]

I have a real dad who I admire and respect. Always worked very hard.

I also have a stepdad who as a retired naval aviator and retired commercial airline pilot is very smart. Although my brother and I enjoy robbing him when he tries to fix something and occasionally forgets how it all goes back together. That’s when he will call my brother for help. At times he’s real full of himself too and my mom has put him in his place I may add.

Both him and my real dad I’m glad I still have to visit and to see my nephews

 

[Enthusiast]

I had (and thankfully still do) a real Dad. Mine was/is a hard worker, constantly reading (history, national geographic, science, religion, current events, novels, etc), very religious (but not self righteous), thrifty yet very generous, always busy (if not at work he's volunteering with something), and he was a family man and he was the head of the family as the enforcer, and we were raised the old fashioned way (being paddled and not just a couple times growing up either and I wasn't rebellious type either).

My only real challenges was he seemed a bit distant at times as a kid and he struggled to dumb down things to my level when he was trying to teach me things I didn't understand (as I am not nearly as smart as he is), and he has a temper (and so do I, it's a family struggle). There are father's who are big kids and are fun but my father really wasn't like that. He was pretty much the provider, the enforcer, and the compass. He would spend time with us and play with us and tell us he loved us but it sometimes felt hollow. As I got older, I figured it out that he naturally was more gifted with working with adults than with kids. He meant what he was saying, he was a bit just awkward around kids and he was doing the best he could. (As an adult I understand this better as I don't understand kids at all and don't want them.) He also struggles expressing his feelings and has issues with depression (and so do I as it seems to run in the family).

He doesn't have drinking problems or drug issues. He is very devoted to my mother they were married a couple years before they started having kids. He tolerates a LOT nonsense from my mother's problematic sisters (my mother is a saint, her sisters are crazy) and often assists my mother on her attempts to help her sisters (ex. he's helped one move at least 20 times!!!) Even though they drive him crazy (all 5 of his siblings combined and multiplied by a hundred could not come as close to all the drama and nonsense those two cause).

As an adult although we occasionally have our differences, we are close and despite a few flaws, I won the lottery for a father and I grow more thankful by the day. He's a good role model and if I end up being at least half the man he has been, I will feel like a successful man.

 

[MSCH]

I had a real Dad... my wife had a Sperm Donor.
how it works... the Sperm Donor stayed completely out of the picture for 50+ years
and nearing the end of his life the Sperm Donor started wanting contact.

The spoor of the Sperm Donor told him to go pack sand,

go figure.

 

[gfh77665]

I couldn't have had a better dad.

Me too. God blessed me with him (and Mom) when I was adopted.

 

[Pablo]

Real dad.

But he was a REAL SON OF A B.... He didn't hit us much, but did kick me in the ass and I flew through the air. OTOH, he taught me all kinds of stuff. Mostly useless but some good nuggets. Fishing, shooting, etc

I've never met a cheaper person in my life, so he set a standard there. He smoked early on but quit. Not a drinker. Just a hard working son of an Italian immigrant who wanted his kids to do well.

 

[SwampSurvivor]

I had a real dad. He was the best . he genuinely enjoyed being a father and husband. Never remember him being anything but a great person. In 40 years of marriage , my parents never had a single fight.

Sadly we lost him to Alzheimer's in August.

My fiance has a biological sperm donor but a stepdad who is also great.

 

[BrianF]

Best dad and mom that anyone could ask for. If I had a choice to oick any parents, they would be them. Both taught me many lessons, slapped me upside the head when i needed it and showed compassion above all else.

Funny thing is back in the mid 90's, my dad showed me how to trap moles, as he hated how they would litter his fields. We would usually do this when heading home from picking rocks and brush on new broke areas. I think about all the time we spent together getting work done, all the complaining I did as a kid, all of it, as I go check my mole traps each morning. I taught my kids how to trap them as well.